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wyvern1096
28-Aug-2007, 04:26 AM
My car threw a temper tantrum today...and while working on it I remembered stumbling across this a few months back. If you do any of your own car repairs you'll get a laugh out of this.

The REAL meaning of the Haynes' instructions...

Haynes: Rotate counter-clockwise.
Translation: Clamp with vice-grips then beat repeatedly with hammer counter- clockwise. You do know which way is counter-clockwise, don't you?

Haynes: Should remove easily.
Translation: Will be corroded into place ... clamp with adjustable wrench then beat repeatedly with a hammer.

Haynes: This is a snug fit.
Translation: You will skin your knuckles! ... Clamp with adjustable wrench then beat repeatedly with hammer.

Haynes: This is a tight fit.
Translation: Not a chance in hell man! ... Clamp with adjustable wrench then beat repeatedly with hammer.

Haynes: As described in Chapter 7...
Translation: That'll teach you not to read through before you start; now you are looking at scary photos of the inside of a gearbox.

Haynes: Pry...
Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into...

Haynes: Undo...
Translation: Go and buy a can of WD40 (industrial size).

Haynes: Ease ...
Translation: Apply superhuman strength to ...

Haynes: Retain tiny spring...
Translation: "Crap, what was that? It nearly put my eye out!"

Haynes: Press and rotate to remove bulb...
Translation: OK - that's the glass bit off, now fetch some good pliers to dig out the bayonet part and remaining glass shards.

Haynes: Lightly...
Translation: Start off lightly and build up till the veins on your forehead are throbbing, then re-check the manual because what you are doing now cannot be considered "lightly".


Haynes: Weekly checks...
Translation: If it ain't broke don't fix it!

Haynes: Routine maintenance...
Translation: If it ain't broke... it's about to be!

Haynes: One wrench rating (simple).
Translation: Your Mom could do this... so how did you manage to screw it up?

Haynes: Two-wrench rating.
Translation: Now you may think that you can do this because two is a low, tiny little number... but you also thought that the wiring diagram was a map of the Tokyo underground (in fact that would have been more useful to you).

Haynes: Three-wrench rating (intermediate).
Translation: Make sure you won't need your car for a couple of days and that your AAA coverage includes towing.

Haynes: Four-wrench rating.
Translation: You are seriously considering this aren't you, you idiot!

Haynes: Five-wrench rating (expert).
Translation: OK - but don't expect us to ride it afterwards!!!
Translation #2: Don't ever carry your loved ones in it again and don't mention it to your insurance company.

Haynes: If not, you can fabricate your own special tool like this...
Translation: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!

Haynes: Compress...
Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on, swear at, throw at the garage wall, then search for it in the dark corner of the garage while muttering "******" repeatedly under your breath.

Haynes: Inspect...
Translation: Squint at really hard and pretend you know what you are looking at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to your wife "Yep, as I thought, it's going to need a new one"!

Haynes: Carefully...
Translation: You are about to cut yourself!

Haynes: Retaining nut...
Translation: Yes, that's it, that big round blob of rust.

Haynes: Get an assistant...
Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you know.

Haynes: Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal.
Translation: But you swear in different places.

Haynes: Pry away plastic locating pegs...
Translation: Snap off...

Haynes: Using a suitable drift or pin-punch...
Translation: The biggest nail in your toolbox isn't a suitable drift!

Haynes: Everyday toolkit
Translation: Ensure you have an AUTOZONE card & mobile phone

Haynes: Apply moderate heat...
Translation: Placing your mouth near it and huffing isn't moderate heat.
Translation #2: Heat up until glowing red, if it still doesn't come undone use a hacksaw.

Haynes: Apply maximum heat...
Translation: Unless you have a blast furnace, don't bother. Clamp with adjustable wrench then beat repeatedly with hammer.

Haynes: Index
Translation: List of all the things in the book but the thing you want to do!

Haynes: Remove oil filter using an oil filter chain wrench or length of bicycle chain.
Translation: Stick a screwdriver through it and beat handle repeatedly with a hammer.

Haynes: Replace old gasket with a new one.
Translation: I know I've got a tube of Krazy Glue around here somewhere.

Haynes: Grease well before refitting.
Translation: Spend an hour searching for your tub of grease before chancing upon a bottle of washing-up liquid. Wipe some congealed washing up liquid from the dispenser nozzle and use that, since it's got a similar texture and will probably get you to AutoZone to buy some Castrol grease.

Haynes: See illustration for details
Translation: None of the illustration's notes will match the pictured exploded, numbered parts. The unit illustrated is from a previous or variant model.

~ ~ ~ ~

HAYNES GUIDE TO TOOLS OF THE TRADE

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer is nowadays used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling mounting holes just above the brake line that goes to the rear wheel.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VICE-GRIPS/ADJUSTABLE wrench: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETELENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for setting various flammable objects in your garage on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside a brake drum you're trying to get the bearing race out of.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part you were drying.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls in about the time it takes you to say, "F..."

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering car to the ground after you have installed your new front disk brake setup, trapping the jack handle firmly under the front air dam.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a car upward off a hydraulic jack.

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.

PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.

SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise. Used mainly for getting dog-poo off your boot.

BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in boltholes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.

TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup.

TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps and fuel lines you may have forgotten to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

INSPECTION LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate as 105-mm
howitzer shells during the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a fossil-fuel burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last tightened 30 years ago by someone in Detroit, and rounds them off.

PRY (CROW) BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.

jdog
28-Aug-2007, 04:43 AM
so true and very funny as well.

MissJacksonCA
28-Aug-2007, 10:12 PM
oh my that is funny...

There's basically three kinds of people in the world... those who read the manual before attempting to put together or repair something before beginning... those who read it as they put something together or repair something... and then there's people like me... I never look at instructions, I only read manuals when i'm really bored and there's nothing left to do, and I look at the picture to learn how to put something together ...so when isht goes wrong with whatever... I'm usually wondering where the heck is that damn manual...

fartpants
29-Aug-2007, 06:22 PM
i thik the Haynes manual is a conspiricy to get professional mechanics more work

wyvern1096
30-Aug-2007, 12:21 AM
I love how they will leave out assorted performance models of a car but spend pages and pages on useless crap. Does anyone rebuild alternators, starters, or brake calipers? Unless you're working on a '38 Packard or something who in god's names does this stuff? No, we go to NAPA or whoever buy an alternator and give them the core. Heaven forbid I should have actual wiring diagrams of the ignition system...

Chilton is just as bad with the "let's compress the entire 20 year run of the car into one 200 page book" after all a '96 model year using a different engine should be just like that 1978 car, just use those pictures. I soooo need to buy a set of factory service manuals for this beast.

Gah, I love old cars...

MissJacksonCA
30-Aug-2007, 12:40 AM
Have you tried a Bentley manual?

wyvern1096
31-Aug-2007, 01:54 AM
Have you tried a Bentley manual?

Have not heard of them. Is this a tech manual? When the book fails I usually just hit various enthusiast sites. There's always someone who has a LOT of time on thier hands and has uploaded step by step procedures with pictures.

MissJacksonCA
31-Aug-2007, 03:41 AM
yes... its a tech manual... used by a guy who works on oldies cars (or what y'all call classic cars) and VWs and Mini Coopers... so it could possibly help you out ...he says the Haynes manual is why he only uses the Bentley ones...