Before we begin....
Dj, my wife and I sat down to watch RZ's wretched "Halloween" remake once more (and I'll NEVER do it again!! Christ, that was beyond torture! Screw waterboarding, just make these terrorists watch this movie!).
Anyway, since we got a kick out of MZ's list of things he hated about Dawn04, Dj and I figured we'd do our own based on RZ's Halloween. Since my wife hates it more than we do, she wanted to get in on the action too. Keep in mind, this is a tad more tongue in cheek than MZ's, but I think we get our point across.
So without further ado, we present....
109 Reasons Why Deej, Lou & His Wife Think Rob Zombie's Hallowen Sucks Balls
1. We haven't even started playing it yet, but #1 is the fact that this movie got made in the first place.
2. We've started the movie, and we're already sorry we have to watch this wretched piece of shit again.
3. I don't remember the Meyers living in a white trash shit shack. They were a middle class family living in a midddle class neighborhood. WTF happened?!
4. Kiss's God of Thunder? Really?
5. Sherri Moon Zombie? REALLY?
6. The Meyers were white trash (chavs)? Really?
7. Mr. Meyers was a pedophile? I don't recall that.
8. Sherri Moon really can't act. I think this goes without saying, but fuck you, I said it anyway.
9. Michael looks like a 10 year old girl bloated from alcohol abuse who's been watching too many Nirviana videos.
10. Sherri Moon shows up at school dressed like a complete street walker. Yes, I realize her job in the film, but, if that was your job, would you show up at your son's school looking like THAT?!
11. Loomis walks down the hallway of the school like he's in Saturday Night Fever.. I can just hear it now, "Whether you're a brother or whether you're a mother you're sayin' alive! stayin' alive! ah.. ah.. ah.. ah.."
12. We're six minutes in and already found 12 things that suck.
13. Why would the Principal keep a dead cat that Michael carved up in his desk drawer?
14. Sherri Moon Zombie REALLY can't act.
15. Poor remix and use of Halloween theme as michael runs from school. Fuck you Tyler Bates.
16. Where's the dolly shots? Where's the creepy vibe? There is none in this flick.
17. When Michael is killing the kid in the woods, why is the FRESH blood coming out of his nose and mouth black? Is this the fucking X-Files?
18. Michael's clown mask reminds me of... "I'm gonna have to be taking your car today. See I have some top secret clown business that supersedes any plans that you might have for this here vehicle!"
19. I don't know about you, but if my kid was carving up cats and small animals, I wouldn't be letting him go out trick or treating.
20. Love Hurts? REALLY? Jesus Christ.....
21. Sherri Moon Zombie half naked? Was that really necessecary?!
22. You whould think Sherri would take some fucking dance classes before being in a movie where she needs to dance.
23. Umm, didn't the mask come from a hardware store in the original and not from the boyfriend who was fucking Judith Meyers?
24. The reason this movie isn't shocking is because you expect Michael to become what he is because of his upbringing and his white trash parents. What made the original better is Michel was from middle class family in a middle class neighborhood (not a shit shack) and you wouldn't expect him to snap and do what he did. THAT is shocking and unpredictable. What Michael becomes in this version is TYPICAL and EXPECTED.
25. Mr. Bubbles Bubble Bath should have been a sponser of this film based on nothing more than Michael's greasy fucking hair.
26. At the 16 minute mark - this is when anything redeeming about this film goes straight out the fucking window. No William Forythe = a complete bowl of fuck.
27. How the hell could Michael possibly use a complete roll of duct tape on William Forsythe without him even waking up? I know he's drunk, but jesus christ, this is a bit of a stretch, isn't it?
28. Gary says the following at 18:02 - "I am staring at a Twilight New Moon poster on Lou and his wife's wall, and I'd rather be watching that than this!" My wife agreed. Sadly, I have to admit, so did I.
29. 18:25 - prepubescent titties?! really?
30. William Forsythe is dead, the fucking movie is essentially over.
31. 19:40 - after Michael bashes Judith's boyfriend's head in, all we could think was "LOOK! HE's A TWITCHER!" and thinking we'd rather be watching Dawn04.
32. I guess michael, the way he's looking at Judith in bed, has a thing for his sister's ass. Fucking pervert.
33. I would've stabbed my sister when she slapped me the first time, not after 3 hits, that fucking whore.
34. Why didn't he kill his little sister too? If you're going to go on a murdering rampage, why not go all the way? Why spare the child? The child may be 'innocent' but so was Machete....errr.. I mean, Danny Trejo later in the film and he had his ass handed to him by Michael - more on this bullshit later.
35. Tyler Bates really fucked up the score. Holy shit.
36. 24 minutes in and Sherri Moon Zombie STILL can't act. I didn't expect it to get better, but christ! Desire to continue this project, weaning...
37. Michael in the back of the police car looked like he had just smoked a blunt. He looks like a 10 year old stoner!!
38. at 26 minutes, Malcom McDowell show ups again. When i first heard he was cast as loomis, I thought it was a bad idea. Then I thought, well, he's a damn good actor in some other films so lets give him a shot, but when when I saw him in this, I realize.... it was indeed a bad idea.
39. We're at 27 minutes, I think my wife has given up because she's playing with her iPod. It could've happened a while ago, but Deej & I didn't notice.
40. Can we PLEASE watch something else?! I realize this isn't a bitch about the film, but goddamn, I'd rather put bamboo shoots in my corneas than watch this again! FUCK!
41. Gary said at at 27:10 (loomis interviewing Michael for first time) he's seen more believable soap operas than this... Shit, the acting in Deadlands The Rising is better than this!! and that's saying a LOT!
42. What's with the paper masks? He looks like he's wearng a paper plate over his face colored with crayons. I take it the costume budget was pretty fucking thin. Either that or the funds were transferred to the cocaine party after filming was complete.
43. Part of what made Meyers scary was the fact that you knew nothing about him. This whole movie completely spoils the mystique of Michael Meyers.
44. Daeg Faerch needs to learn how to act. Seriously. This kid is more wooden than most oak trees in my back yard.
45. Sherri mooon zombie tells Michael at this point, "You have to eat" - looks like he's been doing plenty of that to me!
46. 35:10 - how many times does Loomis have to ask "What happened?" after Michael kills the nurse with a fork - His acting is completely unconvincing and contrived.
47. Why is the the stupid fucking prison siren going off after Michael kills this nurse?!? Are we at Shawshank or a mental institution?!
48. How does a white trash mom who lives in a shit shack even afford a video projector to watch videos of her daughter Michael.. err, I mean, her son Michael?! How does she even afford the gun & bullets she uses to kill herself?
49. The redneck guard working with Machete... err, I mean, Danny Trejo - how the fuck did he ever get a job at this place? So these mental institutions just hire any dumbfuck, backwoods reneck off the street?
50. Looking at Michael's room, I think he has an unhealthy obsession with clown masks or Captain Spaulding. I can't put my finger on it just yet, but it's corny as fuck. The original didn't have Michael obsessing over masks. Why? BECAUSE HE WASN'T OBSESSED WITH MASKS!
51. Rendeck guard cliche'? check.
52. Michael Meyers looks like fucking Zakk Wylde. WTF?! I expect him to pick up a guitar and rip into No More Tears or Crazy Train at any moment.
53. Since when did Michael join Insane Clown Posse? Now we know what the offspring of Violent J and Shaggy 2 Dope would look like.
54. The speech given by Loomis is about as inspired as watching two flies fuck... or watching grass grow.
55. Based on the increased population of redneck guards at this point (now there's two), there must be some serious inbreeding going on in and around Haddonfield.
56. Was the whole redneck guards raping the girl in Michael's room REALLY necessary? What purpose did this serve? Oh, that's right, this is the only way Rob Zombie knows how to make anything "shocking." Throw in constantly cussing white trash and rape to make things "shocking" oooooo, great idea Rob. *facepalm*
57. So Michael doesn't react when a chick is getting raped in his room, but fuck with those masks, and it's game on, bitch?! For lack of a better word: GAY!
58. Why the fuck would Michael kill Machete, err, Trejo? It was his one and only friend. He spared his little sister, but kills the ONLY person who ever treated him fairly and like a human being. I guess this is to show how "evil" Michael is. To us, it just makes him seem like the weak-assed character that Rob Zombie made him.
59. Tom Sawyer? REALLY? Nice shot cinematography-wise, but poor use of the song.
60. Why would Michael even bother to knock on the stall door, distrubing Foree taking a dump? Did he really have to shit that bad? There was an open stall right next to Foree! Go there or shit in the sink, don't bother a brother dropping a burrito dinner after a long haul in his 18-wheeler truck!
61. "You'll be one sorry a-hole"? Really? "a-hole"?? After having Forsythe tell Sherri he'd skull fuck the shit out of her, and now we resort to phrases like "a-hole"? *facepalm*
62. 51:48 - This is the ONLY shot that reminds you of the original film.
63. at 53:00, Rob Zombie finally picks up the meat of the original Halloween story - since there's only around 50 minutes left, and it's pretty much a remake of the original story from this point on, was all that white-trash back story in the beginning REALLY necessary? Nope.
64. How, exactly, did Michael have time to hide his mask under the floor boards in the basement of his house? So at 10 years old you can kill everyone in the house 'cept your baby sister, rip up floor boards in the basement, hide the murder weapon and mask then nail the floor boards back down? Isn't this a tad of a stretch? Fuck, it's as thin as Plastic Man stretching himself around the world....twice.
65. Clint Howard? REALLY? Picking from the bottom of the barrel of actors, eh Rob?
66. Malcom McDowell trying to deliver Pleasance's lines as Loomis is one of the most painful things i've ever witnessed. Talk about a phoned-in delivery.
67. So Charles Lee Ray ("Chucky") is the Sheriff in Haddonfield? 
68. I think we're up to about 400 "fucks" in this movie already. A bit overkill, dontcha think? What the fuck does Rob think this is, Casino or Good Fellas or some shit?
69. What the fuck are they doing in the Meyers house screwing? None of this shit ever took place in the Meyers house in the original.
70. Don't Fear the Reaper is on the radio again for the SECOND time. Is this Michael's theme song or something? It should be "don't fear the dumbass white trash nutbag obsessed with masks"?
71. At 1:08:37 we've got another twitcher!
72. Why does everyone talk like a complete asshole to everyone else in this film? Even the kids are assholes.
73. Micky Dolenz as the gun store owner? Now we've got one of the fucking Monkee's in this movie?! There's that bottom of the acting barrel again, Rob.
74. Even tommy talks like a complete prick to Laurie. I guess no one in this town has any common FUCKING courtesy. (the f-word added to make our list go right along with the film's dialouge)
75. Is this Haddonfield Illinois or Haddonfield Arkansas?! CHRIST!
76. 1:16:38 - why are there 4 massive purple spots on the screen? Nice cinematography there, Rob. *facepalm #2*
77. Malcom McDowell is just plain not convincing as Loomis. His lines are delivered more deadpan than..well.. I don't know. It's just piss poor, lets leave it at that.
78. There is not one character that I can connect with, care about, or want to see live. NOT ONE! WTF?! At least in the original film we had SOME characters we could relate to and didn't want to see sliced up.
79. Holy fucking shit. First off, The "sister" angle was never brought up in Carpenter's first Halloween. Now it's brought up between Chucky and Caligula.
80. When Caligula is asked by Chucky what is he going to do to his sister, Caligula says "I don't know, but it's not good" - piss poor dialogue YET AGAIN. This is one of the most eye-rolling inducing moments of dialouge in the entire film, not to mention a horrible delivery by Caligula.
81. Tommy says he needs "closure" on the Boogie Man topic - we need "closure" of this fucking movie!
82. 1:22:45 - so, now Michael is a voyeur? He sure likes to watch people fuck. This movie could've been 10x better if he had just jumped in the sack with them and had a three-way with the mask on.
83. The whole 'super human strength' thing is just rediculous. Michael was a fairly tall dude in the original, but in this flick he looks like a rejected WWF wrestler on massive amounts of steriods and the strength of Superman. -sigh-
83. How can Michael go 15 years in an insane asylum and somehow manage to find his sister?? The Sheriff explains he took Laurie to a next town when she was an infant, and she was adopted by the Strode family - ok, how did Michael find all this out? I doubt sniffing the envelope that Laurie dropped in the Meyers house is going to be an encyclopedia of information for Michael and allow him to map out his whole family tree.
84. More horrific remixes of music by Tyler Bates at this point. Plain awful.
85. A cop asking Laurie and the two kids when they're hiding in the bathroom "the door is locked, are you able to unlock it?" WTF kinda question is that? piss-poor delivery on top of it all, but also piss-poor dialouge. Rob, get someone else to rewrite your scripts and clean this shit up!
86. When a maniac that is 7 feet tall wearing a mask and weilding a knif is approaching you, you don't fire once into his shoulder, you unload the entire fucking clip into his head. What an asshole cop.
87. Michael carried Annie's body around the house in the original, but now Michael is carrying Laurie down the street? *facepalm #3*
88. Not to mention, Annie dies in part one, yet lives in this one. WTF?
89. 1:34:20 - ripped off of any lesbian action between Laurie and Lynda. Fuck my life.
90. Michael shows the picture of him and Laurie when Lauire was just an infant and he was a kid. How the fuck does he know Laurie is his sister when she looks absoultely NOTHING like she does in the picture? Is this what white trash family reunions are like? Where is the keg of beer and the shotguns? YEE HAW!
91. Michael can't be stopped by guns or any other weapons, but Laurie can stab him once with a knife and he goes down for 5 minutes. Interesting how that works.
92. Now I feel like I'm watching Polergeist when Laurie is in the pool. "YOU MOVED THE HEADSTONES BUT YOU DIDN'T MOVE THE BODIES!"
93. Loomis shoots Michael 3 times in the pool - why don't these dumbfucks aim for the goddamn head? Haven't these assholes seen any of GAR's films?!
94. The pool looks like it's 25 feet deep. Who the fuck has a inground pool behind their SHIT SHACK that deep? Did the olympics train in this thing or what? Seriously, take a look at it - the pool looks like it's deeper than a porn star's vag. This is just idiotic. Who did the set design for this movie?! They should be fired!
95. So Loomis (thinks he) kills Michael, then just strolls to the cop car to leave like it's no big deal. Don't think to call the cops or anything and let them know what's going on.
96. "As a matter of fact, I do believe that was" - I call blasphemy for fucking up one of the BEST lines in the original film. Once again, FUCK YOU ROB!
97. At 1:42:26, Michael puts his thumbs into Loomis' eyes and pushes them into his head causing blood to run down both sides of his face - yet a few minutes later we see Loomis being dragged down the hall with no blood on his face and his eyes perfectly in tact. FAIL of EPIC PROPORTIONS. Note to Rob Zombie: FIRE YOU FUCKING SCRIPT SUPERVISOR!
98. What am I watching? Michael is busting everything up in the house. Is this "Extreme Makeover: The Michael Meyers Edition"?!
99. at 1:46:00 - we see loomis on the floor, now he only has blood ONE side of his face, but hey, at least the blood showed back up. Guess Rob made it to McDonald's and picked up a ketchup pack or two.
100. So, Michael has never worked construction a day in his life, but he's certainly giving the house a nice remodeling. Perhaps I should call him about the addition I want to put on my house.
101. where is Sheriff Bracken? Wouldn't you think by now he would've stopped over for a visit? I know he's taking care of Annie right now, but you'd think he'd hear the screaming and gunshots and all RIGHT DOWN THE FUCKING STREET!!!!
102. Why exactly would Michael jump out the window with Laurie? Why not just push her out and kill her? *facepalm #4*
103. Laurie shooting Michael in the face at the end of the movie - I can't think of a worse ending. Did Rob ever see the original Halloween?
104. If Laurie shot michael point-blank in the face, how exactly do we end up with RZ's Halloween 2?
105. It's bad enough they fuck up the theme music for the movie, but they use a crap version of Mr. Sandman during the credits. FUCK YOU ROB!
106. Sid Haig's character was named "Chester Chesterfield". Huh. How original.
107. Where was Bill Moseley? We watched the Unrated Directors Cut and his name was in the credits but his scenes were cut. FUCK YOU AGAIN, ROB! Moseley, based on The Devil's Rejects, is the best fucking actor you've ever put in a movie and you cut him out of this one?! ASSHOLE!
108. Fuck this credits are really long.
109. Tyler Bates needs a day job.
I will say this, and I know DJ agrees: I have never seen more of an epic fail in filmmaking in my entire life. I think we would've got more enjoyment out of watching LOTD or even Children of the Dead.
Dj, every 15 minutes, kept asking me "WHY DID WE AGREE TO DO THIS?! CAN WE PLEASE STOP NOW?!" but I pretty much had to force him to continue watching it.
I also know some people are going to point out that some of the items in the list aren't really bitches about the film, but the list was just for fun and to get our point across, so just deal with it. 
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Originally Posted by bassman
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