A man walks into a bar...

**SymphonicX** · 18-Jan-2010

A man walks into a bar...he is an alcoholic and it's destroying his family.

Welcome to the anti-joke thread, which I suspect you just entered into unwittingly!

I found an FB group about offensive jokes but the anti-joke section had me laughing all day.

Here's more:

An Englishman, Irishman, and Scottishman walk into a bar, what a fine example of an integrated community.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
It had escaped from it's pen and was seeking water and nourishment.

(omg I fucking love that one.

)

what's brown and sticky?
treacle or any number of viscous substances

and finally:

How many kangaroos does it take to fix a leaky water main?

None, a kangaroo has neither the intelligence nor dexterity to do any kind of plumbing work

Hope you enjoyed those in a kind of twisted, bizarre way...

**MinionZombie** · 19-Jan-2010

haha! Loving this thread even though it's only just started.

**SymphonicX** · 19-Jan-2010

Here's some more (lifted from the interwebz)

Man: Doctor, I've broken my leg.
Doctor: I'm afraid it is a very bad break. You will never walk properly again.
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Knock, knock.
Who's there?
The police. I'm afraid there's been an accident. Your husband has been killed.
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A man walks into a pub.
He is an alcoholic whose drink problem is destroying his family.
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Did you hear about the blonde who jumped out off a bridge?
She was clinically depressed and took her own life because of her terribly low self-esteem.
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Why do undertakers wear ties?
Because their profession is very serious, and it is important that their appearance has a degree of gravitas.
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Two men are sitting in a pub.
One man turns to the other and says: 'Last night I saw lots of strange men coming in and out of your wife's house.'
The other man replies: 'Yes, she has become a prostitute to subsidise her drug habit.'
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How many blondes does it take to screw in a light bulb?
It shouldn't take more than one person to do this task, regardless of hair color.
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Do you know the joke about the two guys that wanted to go to Paris?

They didn't go.

**mista_mo** · 19-Jan-2010

A man walks into a bar.

He is a terrorist suicide bomber, and the explosion kills 37 people.

**krakenslayer** · 19-Jan-2010

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, weak and incapable of doing anything on their own initiative, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are useful and hard-working. While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house.

The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand. Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds her adding the finishing touches.

"Do you like it?" she asks.

"Yes, the moonbeam white is an excellent choice of colour, and you have done a wonderful job. I will never call blondes dumb and useless again," he replies.

---------- Post added at 01:15 PM ---------- Previous post was at 01:09 PM ----------

A blonde is walking along the street when a car pulls up next to her and the window rolls down. A middle-aged gentleman is in the driver's seat.

He asks: "Where are you going, toots?"

She replies: "I'm going to pick up my dog from the vet's, he's just been spayed, you see."

"Oh," the man says "would you like me to drive you there?"

She hops in the car and he starts driving. However, before long she turns to him and says: "Hey, aren't we going in the wrong direction?"

The man replies: "Yes, I am a serial killer and I'm taking you to a quiet location where I can discreetly dispose of your raped, eviscerated corpse."

**LouCipherr** · 19-Jan-2010

Originally Posted by SymphonicX

A man walks into a bar...

Damn, that must've hurt.

**mista_mo** · 19-Jan-2010

Your mom is fat that she has developed a 99% chance of having a heart attack within the next 3 days.

Your mom is so fat that she wanted to go out for a walk, but couldn't get out of bed.

Your dad is so old that he doesn't remember your name.

Why did your father cross the road? He caught your mother cheating on him with his best friend, and now your parents are getting a divorce.

Why did the chicken cross the road? It didn't. It was thrown, and your beloved dog chased after it. Your dog didn't make it across the road.

How many blondes does it take to screw in the lightbulb? Just one.

so this guy walked into a bar. Only it wasn't a bar. It was a funeral home. His son was just killed by a drunk driver.

**kortick** · 19-Jan-2010

Johnny comes back from school crying and says, "Mommy all the kids in the school say I have a big head."

His mother replies, "No you don't Johnny. You have a hideously deformed head. The other children are merely hiding the truth to protect your feelings."

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Why did the little boy cry when he sat on Santa's lap?
Santa's boner reminded him of his pedophile father.

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Whats worse than finding a fly in your soup?
The holocaust.
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A man walks into a bar and orders a drink. And another one. And an other one. Eventually he gets pretty hammered. Because he has a drinking problem. He walks home, beats his daugther and cries himself to sleep.