Be careful what you wish for, and who you laugh at.

[MinionZombie]

Blokes don't check out wee-wees or compare. At the stand-up pisser it's a strict rule of heads up and look straight ahead. Admire the grouting of the tiled wall, or read the RAC/condom adverts before you. And no matter the size of Mr Washington, always act in the same manner - stand as close to the porcelain as possible, especially if there aren't dividers between the urinals, because people who leave plenty of space for people to potentially gawp downstairs are not the sort of people you wanna be standing next to while emptying the water tower. In fact, I find the whole urinal thing absurd, a bunch of - mostly/most of the time - straight men standing side-by-side, in a wall-tiled room, with their dicks hanging out all desperately trying not to look next door ... that's just weird to me, I've always found it weird. Besides, I can't go when I feel like I'm being watched, or at least in the company of others. I like to have my own cubicle sanctuary ... plus reading the filth scrawled across the walls is hilarious (filth as in words, no poopy like at high school during the reign of poo terror at the poopy hands of some loony kid) ... honestly, the sheer racist filth scrawled across one cubicle wall was beyond belief - how and why the cleaners hadn't cleaned that off is anyone's guess... Mind you ... cubicles open a whole new world of etiquettes and traps ... I tell you, performing the old "oop, there's a massive log in that one, hence my faced backwards walking" motion is a skill. You have to make it look like it most definately wasn't you for anyone just entering the toilets, who might be heading to a cubicle and who might be heading for the one you've just backed out of. I had to do this one time ... I couldn't see the start of it ... but I most definately saw the end of it ... latched on the toilet seat itself ... no - f*cking - kidding.

[capncnut]

Mind you ... cubicles open a whole new world of etiquettes and traps ... I tell you, performing the old "oop, there's a massive log in that one, hence my faced backwards walking" motion is a skill. You have to make it look like it most definately wasn't you for anyone just entering the toilets, who might be heading to a cubicle and who might be heading for the one you've just backed out of. I had to do this one time ... I couldn't see the start of it ... but I most definately saw the end of it ... latched on the toilet seat itself ... no - f*cking - kidding. Pardon the pun MZ, that 'aint s**t compared to the one I saw at an Ozzfest once. Went into the portaloo after a long queue and was faced with the most nightmarish piece of art I have ever come across. The bowl was completely filled up with poop (believe me, after a 5 second study, there were many different colours and specimens), layer upon layer up to the rim. Sitting on top of this monstrosity was a carefully placed doner kebab with salad intact! What do you do when you are faced with such a dilemma; standing in a tiny portaloo with a lump of turd the size of Devil's Mountain and a couple of hundred stripey-topped emo twats with Duran Duran hairdo's banging at the door demanding to enter. I mean, what do you do? I took a piss on it.

[Graebel]

Pardon the pun MZ, that 'aint s**t compared to the one I saw at an Ozzfest once. Went into the portaloo after a long queue and was faced with the most nightmarish piece of art I have ever come across. The bowl was completely filled up with poop (believe me, after a 5 second study, there were many different colours and specimens), layer upon layer up to the rim. Sitting on top of this monstrosity was a carefully placed doner kebeb with salad intact! What do you do when you are faced with such a dilemma; standing in a tiny portaloo with a lump of turd the size of Devil's Mountain and a couple of hundred of stripey-topped emo twats with Duran Duran hairdo's banging at the door demanding to enter. I mean, what do you do? I took a piss on it. That brings back memories of being in the field with six porta-potties and three hundred people.

[MinionZombie]

That's fudging disgusting ... but freaking hilarious! "WHAT DO YOU DO???!!!"

[coma]

On college someone took a handfil of sh!t and wrote "chimp" on the wall about 3 feet high. UUUUUGGGHHHHHHH. At urinals did you ever see those clowns who hold their meat in the palm of their hand and arch their back as they piss so they can show off their ding dong? When I was a kid, pervos used to do that a lot. I hate that. I really hate the trough pissers, the big communal "sink" type urinal. They have those at Coney Island. Nasty.

[MinionZombie]

Oh yeah, those trough ones are rank. There was one in the "Year 11 toilets" at High School, it was rank. There was always chewed up hunks of sandwiches in there and spit and fag butts and all sorts of horrid looking stuff. It stank as there were no urinal kegs in there and if you were downstream from everyone else it wasn't nice at all. The cubicle toilets never got flushed, so I didn't bother as I daren't touch the toilet anywhere. So rank ... fortunately that was back in the day when I'd go to school and not piss the whole day ... I couldn't do that these days. And aye, I think there's something deeply wrong with guys who do that arch back "look at my cock, GO ON - LOOOOOOK!!!" thing ... either they're trying to make you to then beat you up for being a "fag" or some wank, or they're a "sex terrorist" or they're perverts or I don't wanna think what else ... some people eh?

[MikePizzoff]

Hillarious story, Capn; now that's metal! Minion: They're actually known as urinal cakes not kegs. Thought it may be some useful info.

[Danny]

On college someone took a handfil of sh!t and wrote "chimp" on the wall about 3 feet high. UUUUUGGGHHHHHHH. BWAHAHAHAHHAHA! i just spat my drink out all over the keyboard and cryed with laughter. damn im immature

[MinionZombie]

Don't be ashamed, poo is funny. I figured it was something "keh ca" sounding, but like usual, my brain went on the blink just as I needed a word and went and hid said word away in the cellar.