Curriculum Vitae

[capncnut]

While clearing out some papers I discovered an old C.V. (resume) that my friend wrote a while back. Tell me what you think: Profile I am a person who believes that the values of fervent dedication, cooperative teamwork, dynamic leadership and adaptive creativity really make up the cornerstones and are the crucial components of any totally successful venture. Highlights of Qualifications Strong practical and theoretical foundation in luggage survivability and analysis Advisor to 'The Gum Story' ('99 Arts Council/Film Four) A thorough grounding in masticated gum composition and molecular cell structure Professional Experience Jasmine Villa Hotel - Bromley, Kent (Luggage Porter) As a key member of the portering team, I have directed the implementation of luggage transport technology and kinetic portering skills. My reputation is that of a solid, strategic thinker who digests complex information and builds coherent, actionable structure from that information and then proceeds to get the job done. This is but the tip of the iceberg when it comes to my accomplishments. Achievements Increased customer satifaction ratings by a factor of three Achieved 15% reduction in luggage facilities maintenance costs Increased profitability of luggage operations by minimalising under utilised baggage trolleys Larkfield Cleaning Contractors - Chicago, IL (chewing Gum Removal Specialist) Supervised cleaners in research on methods of improvement, productivity and service level increases and cost reduction for liquid nitrogen usage. Evaluated public areas for safety and surface viscosity as well as implementing a previously untried organic cryo-freeze technique that enabled rapid removal and recycling of said product back to the manufactirer. Performed competitative analysis on modern gum removal techniques and developed computer models to evaluate data output. Achievements Author of 'Modern Gum Removal Techniques' Contributor to 'The Gummer' (august '99 issue) Saved company over $50,000 via eliminating redundant cryo-systems while increasing functionality. Interests Byzanthine history Unix and Linux computing The plays of William Shakespeare Inverted Chess

[DVW5150]

That is the funniest damn thing I have read in long time ... I am just sorry I hadnt read it sooner ... LMAO .

[_liam_]

classic.

[capncnut]

Personal Specification I have formatted, partitioned and installed most popular Linux/Unix operation systems, including: Debian GNU/Linux, FreeBSD and OpenBSD. I am also reasonably familiar with Solaris OS and Sun OS. I've melted my fair share of keyboards during midnight marathon typing sessions. My typing speed is such that current measurement of WPS (Words Per Second) would better suit my steam-generating pace. My accuracy at the keyboard could be likened to a skilled marksman randomly picking off carols singers from a respectable distance of 500 metres. My utmost respect and courtesy towards all who dwell upon this good Earth is an example of humility at it's finest. If I may say so myself, it's a tad (maybe 2 tads) short of obsequiousness. I consider myself to be reasonably flexible (that's not to say that I can bend my fingers back to touch my wrists or even do the splits) as well as adaptable. I also bring to any venture the ability to visualise continuing excellence and profitability. I consider all equal! The similarities between the unwashed, barking mad vagrant and the well attired and starched city investor are almost indistinguishable. I am able to prioritise to a degree of military precision. To do lists and complex cross-referencing are tasks at which I excel. For 5 weeks I was given direct control over the office stock cupboard. My 'eagle eye' kept a careful watch over that cupboard door - in the same way you'd beg for a telescope at Christmas, suggesting a need to improve your knowledge of all things astronomical, only to have it permanently trained on the curtain-less bedroom window of the part-time model/pole dancer who's just moved in across the road - consequently, my rubbers rarely went missing! Without impediment and with a vocal range any opera singer would be proud to possess, I am capable of communicating over vast distances without the aid of cellular device or artificial amplification. I have taken courses in public speaking, voice projection, Swiss yodelling and advanced mimicry & voice deflection techniques as well as a short spell as town crier in the good town of Bognor (2000-2001). I can deal with confidential information that's highly complex and detailed in matter, yet only minutes later completely forget, not only of which I just read, but also my name, where I live and how I got there; thus maintaining it's confidential status. I have attended many high level crisis meeting at which I have - through the tears, blood, frustration and overall feelings of hopeless psychosis and despair - taken the minutes. I attained an average of 60 minutes per hour, 120 minutes in 2 hours and 180 minutes during 3 hours. Longer meetings were met with equal vigour and enthusiasm. However, due to cross alignment of Greenwich Mean Time (GMT) varying the apparent (as opposed to actual) incremental decrease in Universal Time Conversion (UTC), the resultant fluctuation and aspect ratio of geo-synchronous orbital time flow charts meant that backwards compatibility was not always possible. Thus we can say: Time Taken =x + 180/2.78 x UTC (actual) - 67.23 + y where y has an incremental value equal to the rotational (as opposed to gyroscopic) speed of time lag entry. I have written, compiled and de-bugged a variety of programming languages including C, C+, Lisp, Cobol and Java. I was instrumental in the creation of a modal text editor that predated Microsoft Word. My ability to absorb via biomechanical osmosis will enable me to learn any new or extant program. I have set-up and configured highly complex SMTP (Simple Mail Transport Protocol) servers for vertical thin client terminals and configured e-mail clients such as Remail, Vmail and Mutt. I understand the intricacies of IP/TCP (Internet Protocol/Transmission Control Protocol) and it's relevance to Ethernet connected Intranets. My numerical skills will be an asset to your finance division. Expect profitability to increase, waste to decrease and top-level corporate fraud & embezzlement to be dealt with in the most unforgiving manner. Staff will appreciate the timely deliverance of their minimum rate-per-hour wages into offshore accounts. I have taken a keen (some would say fanatical) interest in filing. Just before my last contract came to an abrupt halt, I was instrumental in the creation of a previously unrtried filing system built upon the binary and hexadecimal numbering system. In theory it should have resulted in increased production, in reality staff found it rather difficult to learn an entirely new way of counting, where for example 10 = 2. In 2002, I was contributor to Modern Filing Techniques for the Modern Man - the definitive work on office procedure. I have transcribed a detailed vocal communication into coherent (though still detailed) writings. I have committed to parchment the very essence of audible telephonic transference. I am uniquely able to deduce just what it is, and what it is not, required to be committed to the tablet of life. I can proofread in 3 languages (Sanskrit, Japanese and Urdu) to an advanced level, as well as complex binary & octal programming code. Lastly, I have simultaneously maintained an on-line diary, a local PDA (Personal Digital Assistant) diary, a work diary, a home diary, a weekday diary, a weekend diary, a diary for important dates, a diary for emergencies, a diary for everyday tasks and a diary to keep track of my diaries.

[mista_mo]

this cannot be real can it? like... OMG LOL rofl lmao I dunno where that came from...but its' tits.

[Yorkie]

Brill find cos I am assuming you found it on the net right and it is by no way real at all???

[capncnut]

Brill find cos I am assuming you found it on the net right and it is by no way real at all??? No, it is real. My friend put them together and created the CV partly based on him and partly based on his alter ego Plato Plum. They were sent out to various employers across the country - you should see some of the responses we got.

[mista_mo]

plato plum?

[Yorkie]

No, it is real. My friend put them together and created the CV partly based on him and partly based on his alter ego Plato Plum. They were sent out to various employers across the country - you should see some of the responses we got. OMG that is even more funny if it's for real, I can't imagine what replies you got back. You do know that you have to post some of those now don't you

[capncnut]

OMG that is even more funny if it's for real, I can't imagine what replies you got back. You do know that you have to post some of those now don't you Now the responses I don't yet have on my computer but I will get my pal to send them to me soon. I got a bunch of 'suggestion box' type work requests that are hilarious though. And they were used at real jobs too. plato plum? Yes, grandson of Professor Plum, the well known inventor and suspect from the popular board game 'Cluedo'.

[mista_mo]

ummm.... can i investigate your friends head?

[capncnut]

Dear Sir/Madam I would like to apply for the above position advertised in the January ecition of the South London Press. You may have already heard of my reputation as a strategic thinker and my tendency to be analytical. I have therefore, upon reflection, decided to allow you the opportunity of employing me at your centre of operations - although so small, that if you went bust tomorrow, the seismic ripple created would be likened to one sneezing into the Atlantic Ocean. I am thus prepared to meet the challenge of working with a preternatural, nanocerebral sub-species such as those employed at your company. I would be grateful if you could send me an application form. Yours faithfully Plato Plum Request for a quieter room Would it be possible to have complete and absolute silence in all rooms? Last week someone dropped a pin onto the carpet (though it may have been a paperclip) and I found the noise to be disturbingly chaotic. I was instantly transported back to the days when I performed as The Great Plato Plum. My time at the circus provided me with the necessary life skills for real world struggle. Being amoungst such a variety of animals and people equipped me with enough empathy to understand the complexity of most life forms. I rapidly progressed from a lowly elephant dung cleaner to 'Human Cannonball' in a matter of days. I learnt the importance of aerodynamics upon predicted trajectory, advanced applied mathematics and geometry to calculate minimum/maximum acceleration speeds, explosive compounds and their formulation to create the necessary thrust and - since the first accident - modern splint and bandaging techniques combined with liberal doses of the finest regressive therapy that money can buy. However, even when moments from death, I refused to allow my true identity to be revealed. To this day no-one knows just who the real Plato Plum is! For the betterment of mankind I remain Yours anonymously Plato Plum.

[Yorkie]

Good stuff Can't wait till ya get the replies