Advice sought: Living w/ the Significant Other

[AcesandEights]

Now, I've lived with all sorts of people and I've lived alone, but I've never, ever lived with a girlfriend, but I'll be moving in with mine next month. This is the big step, the trial run before I decide if I can live the rest if my life with this woman. I am feeling unprepared. I didn't think I would feel this way, but weird things happen when you are joking around. You see, about two weeks ago I was out to dinner with my Girlfriend and I thought I'd jokingly test her limits, so I asked her what she would do when I came home after an unannounced night out with my friends without having called home. (I had gleaned from television, other mass media and even friends that this was the sort of thing the female population got all itchy about). My girlfriend tolerantly inquired as to why I wouldn't call her, to which I responded that I was not now, nor had I been in recent history, a considerate boyfriend and that, in fact, I was largely a horrible person. At this point my girlfriend, with Solomon-like patience, went on to explain that she would hope that I would call, were I to unexpectedly not be coming home, and that she would be worried if she didn't hear from me. I believe she could tell by the incredulous grin on my face that I was having a hard time believing the necessity of such an action, so she switched up her tack and went on to ask, in a reasonable tone: "Well, wouldn't you be worried if I didn't come?" To which I pulled and held speculative face, as though I were considering her question and asked in reply:"Didn't come home for how many weeks?" After my girlfriend threw food at me, I started thinking this whole living with one another might be right challenging till we got used to it. So, as a confirmed bachelor, I'm asking...do any of you who live with your significant others have any good advice for me or survival tactics you're willing to share? Was it hard to adjust? Is leaving the toilet seat up fair payback for a slight, or would this be akin to the US getting caught providing stinger missiles to the Mujaheddin, thus edging our relationship closer to nuclear Armageddon? It's late, and this post was a bit of a lark, but I am actually wondering how those of you who have done it, managed during this transition period of your life.

[MikePizzoff]

Oddly enough, my girlfriend and I didn't start dating until AFTER she moved in with me. She used to live in Philly years ago and I had met her at parties a couple of times. Then, she moved back home (to Baltimore) and I'd see her around at shows when my band would play down there. We eventually became friends. At the time we first started to hang out one-on-one and get to really know each other, she was a high school teacher in Virginia. Then Virginia cut budgets, shut down some schools, and she lost her job... which in-turn led to her losing her place to live. So, being the good friend I am, I offered her to move in to my place. She immediately took the offer. Within about 2 weeks of her living here, we started dating. It's been 8 months, now, and things are still great. It wasn't hard to adjust, at all. But, then again, I spend a lot of time on the road trapped in a van with my band mates for long periods of time, so I'm fairly used to learning to adjust to living with people. I dunno... I guess the best thing to ask would be this: Are you guys truly FRIENDS or are you just dating each other? Like, if you were to never date, would you see yourself just hanging out with her being buddies? If so, then things should go fairly smoothly, such as in my case. I've had friends move in with girlfriends that they wouldn't consider friends otherwise, and it was a nightmare of a living situation. They couldn't go out with their buddies without bringing along their girlfriends EVER, even though they lived together. If, by some chance, they got one night out without the girlfriend, he was constantly on the phone with her, which was annoying. If she's the controlling type... you're in for a serious change in life. One most don't like.

[Skippy911sc]

I have been with the same person going on 17 years now and can say that you will never change her (she will change though) and she will never change you (you will never change period). If there is something that bothers you about her then this will only magnify...I read a corny book called don't sweat the small stuff...its all small stuff (ok I read the cover) but its true. The toilet seat thing...if that bothers her now...it will only get worse, if you don't like the idea of your bathroom sink being devoured into a mess of cosmetics and hair utensils...don't do it. If that sort of stuff just doesn't get under your skin...no prob Bob!...I know when we moved in together it was great at first and then a bit of a hard time...until you learn to give and get used to not getting what you want every again.

[Eyebiter]

Good luck pal, you'll need it.

[Yojimbo]

Living together with anyone is going to be a process of adjusting and compromise, be it a female or male friend roomate or moving in with a significant other. Any problems or issues that might normally roll off of you will become magnified. Things as simple as putting the cap back on the toothpaste, or replacing the toilet paper roll when it gets low can spark deep resentment or prompt arguments. But, there are nice things about living with your girlfriend too. I lived with the woman I eventually married for several years before we took the plunge, for example, and by the time we actually got married we already knew each other's faults and strong points very well. We've now been married for 8 years and things are great! I think that our sitation was strengthened by having lived together long enough to see each other's shortcomings and quirks. Remember that there is always a period at the beginning where both you and your girl will present your best side to each other - so called "honeymoon period" (maybe you will refrain from farting in front of her, maybe she cooks your favorite dishes for dinner every night) but be prepared for the period when you both get comfortable enough to relax and let your true selves show through. (Remember that joke that goes: "You know the honeymoon is over when you are taking a shower and your wife comes in and sits down to take a shit") If you can get through that period and be cool, then you both are pretty solid. Always remember, though, that compromise is a two way street but women tend to want to have things their way and men tend to cave. This is an inevitability, even with the most reasonable woman. Know, therefore, what issues are important to you that you are not willing to cave on, and then make a decision whether or not this issue is important enough to you that you are willing to risk your relationship over it. Hopefully, if your woman is reasonable, rational and fair then your relationship will be able to weather through these moments where you refuse to cave to her way. All I am saying is pick and choose your battles very, very carefully. BTW: Doing passive/agressive things like leaving the toilet seat up as a payback for something she did to piss you off is a bad move, brother. DO NOT DO THAT!!!! You are better off calling her out for those things that she does and talking to her about those issues. Refrain to the best of your abilities from playing games- instead, man up and confront the issues. Also, if you are going to be late, or decide at last minute to hit the bar with your friends, this is your right, but do at least call and let her know. Remember that just because you called to let her know that you are going out or going to be late does not necessarily mean that you are asking for her permission to do so, but if you are sharing your life with someone then the courteous thing to do is always remember that what you do and what happens to you will affect the other person, be it on a financial, material or emotional level. Hope this helps! Good luck, brother. It's a hard path, but worth it if she is worth it!

[Chic Freak]

Is leaving the toilet seat up fair payback for a slight, or would this be akin to the US getting caught providing stinger missiles to the Mujaheddin, thus edging our relationship closer to nuclear Armageddon? It's late, and this post was a bit of a lark, but I am actually wondering how those of you who have done it, managed during this transition period of your life. Do not bring the toilet seat into any petty squabbles you may have; it will only make things worse. Seriously. I'm 23 and living with partner for the first time. We talked vaguely about moving in together "one day" but only set about sorting it out within the space of a month, for various reasons, so it still felt quite sudden. That was in September and I'd say it's taken me about 6 months to fully adjust, even though we spent a LOT of time together before this and I lived with him at his parents' house for about 4 months beforehand. It's really not that much different from living with anyone else, in that you will discover new habits that annoy each other, but you somehow feel more entitled to complain about them because you feel like your partner should make more of an effort to be a pleasant housemate for you than they might for "just" a friend. For example, neither of us could give a rat's ass (in the nicest possible way) about the other staying out all night drinking without calling home and then turning up at the house at 4 in the morning with a bunch of drunk friends (well, I get annoyed if they wake me up when I have to get up early in the morning, but in principle I'm cool with it). But- his messiness drives me mad and my nagging him to tidy it up drives him mad. You'll never find the perfect housemate, you just need the good to outweigh the bad. Like, if you were to never date, would you see yourself just hanging out with her being buddies? If so, then things should go fairly smoothly, such as in my case. That's good advice. Let us know how it goes!

[krakenslayer]

I basically started living with my girlfriend from the moment we met, and we're still happily together nearly five years later. Just do it and fuck the consequences. Making a big deal out of it and worrying too much about stuff is exactly what causes problems, so don't.

[bassman]

My only advice is to have a place to go to get away. I finished my basement in my house so I could have a music room and somewhere to get away if I needed.

[darth los]

I basically started living with my girlfriend from the moment we met, and we're still happily together nearly five years later. Just do it and fuck the consequences. Making a big deal out of it and worrying too much about stuff is exactly what causes problems, so don't. Great advice dude. Me thinks that everyone is a pain in the ass in their own way. The secret to finding that person who you can live with is to find someone who's shit you can take and live hapily ever after with them.

[MikePizzoff]

you will never change her (she will change though) and she will never change you (you will never change period). That's not true. It entirely depends on the person(s) at hand. I've known people for years and then as soon as they move in with their significant other, have completely changed. Like I said, if one member of the relationship is controlling, there is going to be some serious trouble for the other member.

[blind2d]

True, but you shouldn't really live together as a couple until you're married. That's what my pa used to say, but he did that and got divorced, so... what do I know, anyway? Ooh, that's good.... I should use that last sentence for my signature!

[clanglee]

Ok. . so it's cliche but still kinda true. . . . . . She's always right. Even when she is wrong. .she is right. Just don't argue it. It's kinda pointless. . . . Ok I'm mostly kidding, but kinda not. If it's small unimportant shit. . .and you disagree. . just let it go. Let her be right. It's makes her happy, and when she is happy. . you have a MUCH better chance of maintaining. . .if not happiness. . at least contentment. My father summed it up with this married for 36 years statement "If Mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy." Now this of course does not apply for any important matter. Those matters you will of course want to stick to your guns on and discuss until you reach an agreement. . . . .usually hers. .

[MoonSylver]

Living together with anyone is going to be a process of adjusting and compromise, be it a female or male friend roomate or moving in with a significant other. Any problems or issues that might normally roll off of you will become magnified. Things as simple as putting the cap back on the toothpaste, or replacing the toilet paper roll when it gets low can spark deep resentment or prompt arguments. But, there are nice things about living with your girlfriend too. I lived with the woman I eventually married for several years before we took the plunge, for example, and by the time we actually got married we already knew each other's faults and strong points very well. We've now been married for 8 years and things are great! I think that our sitation was strengthened by having lived together long enough to see each other's shortcomings and quirks. Remember that there is always a period at the beginning where both you and your girl will present your best side to each other - so called "honeymoon period" (maybe you will refrain from farting in front of her, maybe she cooks your favorite dishes for dinner every night) but be prepared for the period when you both get comfortable enough to relax and let your true selves show through. (Remember that joke that goes: "You know the honeymoon is over when you are taking a shower and your wife comes in and sits down to take a shit") If you can get through that period and be cool, then you both are pretty solid. Always remember, though, that compromise is a two way street but women tend to want to have things their way and men tend to cave. This is an inevitability, even with the most reasonable woman. Know, therefore, what issues are important to you that you are not willing to cave on, and then make a decision whether or not this issue is important enough to you that you are willing to risk your relationship over it. Hopefully, if your woman is reasonable, rational and fair then your relationship will be able to weather through these moments where you refuse to cave to her way. All I am saying is pick and choose your battles very, very carefully. BTW: Doing passive/agressive things like leaving the toilet seat up as a payback for something she did to piss you off is a bad move, brother. DO NOT DO THAT!!!! You are better off calling her out for those things that she does and talking to her about those issues. Refrain to the best of your abilities from playing games- instead, man up and confront the issues. Also, if you are going to be late, or decide at last minute to hit the bar with your friends, this is your right, but do at least call and let her know. Remember that just because you called to let her know that you are going out or going to be late does not necessarily mean that you are asking for her permission to do so, but if you are sharing your life with someone then the courteous thing to do is always remember that what you do and what happens to you will affect the other person, be it on a financial, material or emotional level. Hope this helps! Good luck, brother. It's a hard path, but worth it if she is worth it! Thus sayeth the sage. Good advice all around. True, but you shouldn't really live together as a couple until you're married. Disagree. Better to find out if you're compatible or not before you tie the knot IMO. I live with my (future) wife 2 years before we got married. We went through some shit that if we HAD been married would have been a total deal breaker for me. The only thing that enabled me to get past it was the fact we WEREN'T married. We worked it out & been married 14 years this May. Ok. . so it's cliche but still kinda true. . . . . . She's always right. Even when she is wrong. .she is right. Just don't argue it. It's kinda pointless. . . . Ok I'm mostly kidding, but kinda not. If it's small unimportant shit. . .and you disagree. . just let it go. Let her be right. It's makes her happy, and when she is happy. . you have a MUCH better chance of maintaining. . .if not happiness. . at least contentment. My father summed it up with this married for 36 years statement "If Mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy." Now this of course does not apply for any important matter. Those matters you will of course want to stick to your guns on and discuss until you reach an agreement. . . . .usually hers. . *DING**DING**DING* We have a winner! May be the truest statement in the thread! I was tempted to post something similar & couldn't think of a way to phrase it that didn't come off cynical, or sound like I've sold my soul & ended up a broken shell of man...

[clanglee]

*DING**DING**DING* We have a winner! May be the truest statement in the thread! I was tempted to post something similar & couldn't think of a way to phrase it that didn't come off cynical, or sound like I've sold my soul & ended up a broken shell of man... Alas. I am married. . and therefore. . for all intents and purposes, I AM a broken shell of a man.

[SymphonicX]

Dude if she's already throwing food at you....I'd rethink the whole thing. For me it'll only work if the lady is down to earth and a free thinker - anyone trying to play neurotic mindgames with me gets kicked out straight away!