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Thread: assault with flatulence?

  1. #1
    has the velocity Mike70's Avatar
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    assault with flatulence?

    see if you can read this one with a straight face. i know i couldn't. it is about a man who has been charged with assaulting a police officer for farting then fanning it in the cop's direction.


    SOUTH CHARLESTON, West Virginia (AP) -- A West Virginia man who police said passed gas and fanned it toward a patrol officer has been charged with battery on a police officer.

    Jose A. Cruz, 34, of Clarksburg was pulled over early Tuesday for driving without headlights, police said. According to the criminal complaint, Cruz smelled of alcohol, had slurred speech and failed three field sobriety tests before he was handcuffed and taken to a police station for a Breathalyzer test.

    As Patrolman T.E. Parsons prepared the machine, Cruz scooted his chair toward Parsons, lifted his leg and "passed gas loudly," the complaint said.

    Cruz, according to the complaint, then fanned the gas toward the officer.

    "The gas was very odorous and created contact of an insulting or provoking nature with Patrolman Parsons," the complaint alleged.

    He was also charged with driving under the influence, driving without headlights and two counts of obstruction.

    Cruz acknowledged passing gas but said he didn't move his chair toward the officer nor aim gas at the patrolman. He said he had an upset stomach at the time, but police denied his request to go to the bathroom when he arrived at the station.

    "I couldn't hold it no more," he said.

    He also denied being drunk and uncooperative, as the police complaint alleged. He added he was upset at being prepared for a Breathalyzer test while having an asthma attack.

    The police statement said he later resisted being secured for a trip to a hospital that he requested for asthma treatment.

    Cruz said the officers thought the gas incident was funny when it happened and laughed about it with him.

    "This is ridiculous," he said. "I could be facing time."
    "The bumps you feel are asteroids smashing into the hull."

  2. #2
    through another dimension bassman's Avatar
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    Reminds me of this guy at the 2:00 mark...



  3. #3
    Rising Bub666's Avatar
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    This guy is an idiot.

  4. #4
    Team Rick MinionZombie's Avatar
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    I was lulzing and roflchoppering at the title alone, then I full on lost it when I read it.

    F*cking genius.

  5. #5
    Feeding Tricky's Avatar
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    .......*breaths*.........

  6. #6
    Inverting The Cross MikePizzoff's Avatar
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    Bassman, that **** was hilarious!

  7. #7
    POST MASTER GENERAL darth los's Avatar
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    this whole situation stinks.
    FEAR IS THE OLDEST TOOL OF POWER. IF WE ARE DISTRACTED BY THE FEAR OF THOSE AROUND US THEN IT KEEPS US FROM SEEING THE ACTIONS OF THOSE ABOVE US.

    I DIDN'T KILL NOBODY. I DIDN'T RAPE NOBODY. THAT'S IT. ~ Manny Ramirez commenting on his use of a banned substance.

    "We kill people who kill people to show people that killing people is wrong" ~ Unknown

    "TO DOUBT EVERYTHING OR TO BELIEVE EVERYTHING ARE TWO EQUALLY CONVIENIENT SOLUTIONS: THEY BOTH DISPENSE WITH THE NEED FOR THOUGHT"

    "All i care about is money and the city that I'm from, imma sip until I feel it, Imma smoke it till' it's done, I don't really give fuck and my excuse is that I'm young,and I'm only getting older, sombody shoulda told ya, I'm on one !"

  8. #8
    Feeding Tricky's Avatar
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    the universal language of the air biscuit

  9. #9
    capncnut
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    As Patrolman T.E. Parsons prepared the machine, Cruz scooted his chair toward Parsons, lifted his leg and "passed gas loudly," the complaint said.

    Cruz, according to the complaint, then fanned the gas toward the officer.
    Damn straight.

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