Serious Thread: Something about yourself that no-one else knew before

[LouCipherr]

I have a major case of OCD, but have never done anything about it (other than to adapt and learn how to work around/with it). Thing is, I'm not sure if that's something that no one else knew before. I figured by reading my posts, most of you guys already knew this. I'm also with Dj on the whole "I'd rather be a hermit" - I used to like people, but now (in general) they all piss me off and I'd rather not associate with most of them. ...and people wonder why I bought a house out in the sticks of West VA away from everyone.

[rongravy]

I am so sick of them milking my nads to make this shit. Y'all need to grow yer own set. Hey, where do I sign up to get milked? I got tons o' duck buttah, and I likes to help. Skeet, skeet, skeet.

[capncnut]

Okay, I'll play. Throughout 2009 and 2010, I was on a kamikaze mission to destroy myself. The death of my grandmother, the death of a few friends in the space of as many months, my girlfriend fucked off and left me... I thought the whole world was against me and it didn't help getting banned from here for pretty much no reason either. By late 2010, I was drinking 70cl of Smirnoff and 10 cans of Kronenberg a day. My life was a wreck. I had attempted suicide twice between August and November and was on prescription medication for depression and insomnia. I had never encountered any problems with depression in my life previously and it does not run in my family. I was frequenting suicide forums and cybering with all manner of fuck-up's, discussing with people about what the least painful methods of death were, what the cheapest kind of tubing was to fix to the exhaust and feed through the car window, etc. Strange people were logging into the chat room and posting passages from the Qu'ran, obviously in a bid to recruit suicide bombers. It was such a normal part of our lives that whenever one came in and left, we were like, "Wow, the mods around here are proper shit!" By March 2011, it all changed. My drinking caught up with me and fate decided to hand me the death that I seemingly craved. I started coughing up blood and at one stage, it must've been close to a pint. For days I was honking up the stuff until I checked myself into hospital and stayed there for a few days. Lovely Irish nurse with big melons, btw. After many tests and a camera shoved into me, the doctors told me my liver was in the red and that if I carried on drinking, I wouldn't see the end of the year. Period. I stopped. Yes, the (piss) artist known as the Capn quit out drinking for close to a year. Climbing the walls with nothing to do, I knuckled down to the only thing I had left. Writing. I took it seriously and posted bits here and there. By January 2012, I attracted the attention of an Emmy nominated filmmaker and writer (I'm not name-dropping) and he set me up an exclusive interview with him. I guess he must've seen something in me, I dunno. That interview led to other interviews and, thanks to Kortick (remember him?), I got a gig writing for Scars magazine, which is an independent American horror and cult movie publication. I write for others too, both online and in print. God knows why I veered down that path but I sorted myself out and that's that. I do still drink from time to time but am able to put it down now without any hassle. The last time I was wildly drunk was January 2012 (the night of the interview - damn Fireball cinnamon whisky, lol) and the last time I drank as of today was Christmas. Hope that's "serious" enough for ya! :P

[rongravy]

I was frequenting suicide forums and cybering with all manner of fuck-up's... Ha, remember that New Year's chat we had where you gave me some PiL and I broke my hand? Good times... Glad to hear you're back in the saddle again. I think most everyone has a period of shit in their life. Been there myself. Had issues with alcohol, severe anxiety to the point of agoraphobia, suicide, all that. I was medicated for years with anti depressants and tranquilizers, but eventually weaned myself off it all and self medicate with the sticky icky now. I still have my moments, but I'm pretty much okey dokey these days. I just basically took all the advice I've gathered over the years, good and bad, and ran it through the bullshit filter. I still also go to A.A. meetings, mainly to just get away from everyone and sort of meditate on it all. So anyway, I'm not all "fixed", but I can deal a heck of alot better than I used to. Truth is: People do suck. It's your choice whether you let them rent free space in your head. And remember that movie, What About Bob? Baby steps...

[bassman]

Sure, why not.... My wife and I have recently split up. We're calling it a trial seperation, but i'm sure most people know how that usually works out. I've been hopping around sofas between friends and family for a few weeks now. Fingers crossed it'll work out not unly for us, but mainly for our daughter. We shall see. I also recently came to the realization that i'm a borderline alcoholic. I only say borderline because I never got the shakes or had to have it every day, but I was quite heavily involved with the sauce. That also had a good bit to do with the seperation. Been sober for about a month now and intend on staying that way.

[krakenslayer]

Other than my complete inability to get or hold down a better-than-minimum-wage job (more to do with lack of motivation than any psychological issue), my life is pretty boringly, happily normal and well rounded. I have been through some minor shit in the past - developed an unhealthy taste for drinking and partying ("partying" as in going out to parties, bars, clubs all the time, not as in cocaine) in my student years and ended up spending all my money, throwing away a lot of promising opportunities, and dropping out of uni very late in my degree, thus wasting several years of my life. But that kick ran its course and I'm fine now. Still like a drink but my body has learned to say "no" after about six pints , and I don't do it more than once a week a most. Sorry I don't have more. My best to all you guys and the shit you have to deal with: it must take serious balls to deal with some of the problems described here. You have my admiration, if not my envy.

[ProfessorChaos]

gd, this thread is bumming me out. bass and capn, i want to wish you guys well in your respective attempts to "lay of the fucking booze", as steele would say. a close friend of mine from high school recently had a major medical scare when he was admitted to the hospital with extreme abdominal pain and diagnosed with alcoholic liver hepatitis. he was told he had to quit drinking or get a new liver or he'd be dead within a few years. scary stuff. he's since quit drinking and taken up some mild exercising and lost nearly 40 pounds. as for me, since i've decided to enter this thread of despair, i'll chime in: i had some major adjustment issues upon returning from iraq. it was kind of my own fault, as my deployment was optional since my EAS date was less than 6 weeks after my prospective return to the states. i chose to go, as i really didn't want to get out of the military without going overseas. well, while over there, i saw a good bit of traumatizing shit, as one might imagine. heads obliterated by bullets, burnt and scorched bodies missing limbs from those fucking IEDs, an acquaintance who was pretty much vaporized by one of those damned things, etc; plus the type of anxiety that comes with doing thousands of miles of patrolling in vehicles all day long, then conducting foot patrols through villages and towns where everyone there wants you to either leave or die, surviving a few close calls on those same cursed IEDs, getting shot at and hearing bullets whiz by your head, etc. anyhow, all this stuff was pushed to the back of my mind by the excitement of coming home, getting out of the military, purchasing a bad-ass new (new to me at least) car, hooking up with all the girls i could, blowing through a bunch of money, and re-uniting with all my friends and family....oh, and partying my ass off with whatever sort of substances i could get my hands on and drinking like it was friday night year-round....all was fine for a while, but then i got in a serious relationship with a innocent and pure young lady and settled down and sobered up a bit. things were fine and dandy, and it was probably the happiest time of my life...but then gradually, all those sounds of gunfire and explosions and smells of burnt flesh and whatnot came trickling back into my subconscious, haunting my dreams, and altered my perceptions on things and caused me to lash out at her over trivial things. she didn't understand things because i never really told her about any of that shit. she couldn't handle it, and i couldn't let her in, so, things between us ended, i quit school and moved back to my hometown. suicide crossed my mind a few times, and once i came pretty damn close. i've got a very large family, though, and the thought of what my own selfish actions would do to all of them really upset me, so i decided to get a bit of counseling from the VA and make some changes in my life. that was almost 4 years ago now, and things are much better. there are still days when i get agitated easily and a bit depressed, but like i said, i've got a great family i'm very connected to, a new girlfriend, a couple of awesome dogs, and a lot to live for, so i'm pretty much back on the right track.

[Mike70]

gd, this thread is bumming me out. bass and capn, i want to wish you guys well in your respective attempts to "lay of the fucking booze", as steele would say. a close friend of mine from high school recently had a major medical scare when he was admitted to the hospital with extreme abdominal pain and diagnosed with alcoholic liver hepatitis. he was told he had to quit drinking or get a new liver or he'd be dead within a few years. scary stuff. he's since quit drinking and taken up some mild exercising and lost nearly 40 pounds. as for me, since i've decided to enter this thread of despair, i'll chime in: i had some major adjustment issues upon returning from iraq. it was kind of my own fault, as my deployment was optional since my EAS date was less than 6 weeks after my prospective return to the states. i chose to go, as i really didn't want to get out of the military without going overseas. well, while over there, i saw a good bit of traumatizing shit, as one might imagine. heads obliterated by bullets, burnt and scorched bodies missing limbs from those fucking IEDs, an acquaintance who was pretty much vaporized by one of those damned things, etc; plus the type of anxiety that comes with doing thousands of miles of patrolling in vehicles all day long, then conducting foot patrols through villages and towns where everyone there wants you to either leave or die, surviving a few close calls on those same cursed IEDs, getting shot at and hearing bullets whiz by your head, etc. anyhow, all this stuff was pushed to the back of my mind by the excitement of coming home, getting out of the military, purchasing a bad-ass new (new to me at least) car, hooking up with all the girls i could, blowing through a bunch of money, and re-uniting with all my friends and family....oh, and partying my ass off with whatever sort of substances i could get my hands on and drinking like it was friday night year-round....all was fine for a while, but then i got in a serious relationship with a innocent and pure young lady and settled down and sobered up a bit. things were fine and dandy, and it was probably the happiest time of my life...but then gradually, all those sounds of gunfire and explosions and smells of burnt flesh and whatnot came trickling back into my subconscious, haunting my dreams, and altered my perceptions on things and caused me to lash out at her over trivial things. she didn't understand things because i never really told her about any of that shit. she couldn't handle it, and i couldn't let her in, so, things between us ended, i quit school and moved back to my hometown. suicide crossed my mind a few times, and once i came pretty damn close. i've got a very large family, though, and the thought of what my own selfish actions would do to all of them really upset me, so i decided to get a bit of counseling from the VA and make some changes in my life. that was almost 4 years ago now, and things are much better. there are still days when i get agitated easily and a bit depressed, but like i said, i've got a great family i'm very connected to, a new girlfriend, a couple of awesome dogs, and a lot to live for, so i'm pretty much back on the right track. Good thing for you that you only waited a short time before going to the VA (which has turned itself into a world class mental health care treatment system). I let that shit eat me up for almost 18 years, ruined the best relationship I ever had, and generally frakked up a wonderful life before I went for help. i'm glad that you didn't make the mistake I did. you won't be 41 years old and feel like you've just awoken from a nightmare only to find it wasn't a nightmare and that nearly 20 years have zipped by that you cannot get back. that is why I tell everyone I can to ask for help as early as possible, because of all the emotions we can feel regret is about the worst. i'm dealing with that regret of chances lost, friendships destroyed, relationship with my ex gone, my kid living in another country and all the other shit that goes along with that. it's the last hurdle I've got to get over. i'll make it, I know that but I wish this was a road that I never had to take. i'm very glad that won't happen to you.

[wayzim]

nothing to be scared of, man. you are not alone. i've been dealing with mental health issues for about 20 years, mostly related to military service. Personality disorders have played a big part in what i've dealt with. anyone who knows me either on here or in the real world knows that i used to be about as stable as the San Andreas fault on a so-so day. whelp, after the VA has spent 3 years and probably several hundred thousand dollars on me, i'm much better...or at least functional. on a funnier note: i'm actually kind of a really nice person in real life. This actually reminded me of an incident from long ago, just before a terrible crash across the board (emotionally, financially, etc ) would happen in my life. It was the early eighties and I'd moved from New Jersey to Oregon to stay with my brother ( at the insistence of Dad because he felt I wasn't getting my shit together in the Garden State. ) where I promptly proceeded not getting it together any better there. So being the creative impulsive borderline sort, I decided to travel down to San Francisco and see if more wasn't happening by the bay. I boarded this bus called The Green Tortoise ( which was renovated by some guys with the aim to provide a dirt cheap alternative to Greyhound or Trailways ) that not only offered a ride, but a stopover at some hot springs and an organic pancake breakfast to boot. Inside, the interior had been rebuilt so that we had several small tables fixed to the sides, with benches to sit on ( almost diner style ) where I hung out chatting with some biker looking dude. We were having a grand time drinking wine ( with a seven up chaser - first warning sign, kids ) and talking about Family and shit like that - which went on for a couple hour without any real problems. He told me about his pickup driving big brother, awesome guy who he was going to see after getting out of the service ( don't remember which branch, likely Army ) - and that's where things got dark real quick. My new buddy looked straight at me with a glare that probably didn't even see me, and he started going on about how he'd served his time, and what a bunch of bullshit had happened in leaving, and how he'd deserved more respect than that. And being a sympathetic guy here, I simply nodded and we kept drinking, at which point he said; "I want to fight you, dude. " Now that's not something you want to hear from some near 300 hundred pound military trained guy (which I'm not.), majorly trashed and hostile. So I kept telling him "I don't want to fight you, man. I'm not interested in fighting you. " But he kept after me for awhile, while everyone on the bus was watching us intently and not doing anything - so I started to get royally pissed. Finally I looked him square in the eyes and said. "Ok, we'll fight. The driver will stop the bus, we'll get off and I'll fight you - and you'll kill me. But damn it, I'm gonna let you know I was there. " And all at once we were buddies again, and he was thumping me on the back all happy because I certified his worth in the right way. And after he'd calmed down, we eventually got to his stop and hauled the poor guy off the bus, where his brother was waiting. After all the talk, I was expecting another eight hundred pound shaggy black bearded gorilla, but the guy was regular looking, neatly dressed and driving a clean looking SUV. He looked at the driver and me, at the odd expressions we must of had, and asked. "He didn't act up did he? " to which we kinda sloughed it off with a "Well maybe just alittle, but he's OK now " and thankfully it was. And so I was the hero to everyone, and I just didn't give a crap about their gratitude for me almost getting pummelled for them. So in the morning I was deathly hung-over, and not able to really enjoy either the hot springs or the organic pancake breakfast without barfing it up again. And definitely I was quite unimpressed when everyone was giving me phone numbers and addresses with offers of crash space ( which in hindsight I should have been, because it would've helped later on ) But this incident would turn out to be an up moment, because after I got to San Fran, it was crash and burn, baby - from which I'm surprised I got out of there alive. Wayne Z

[ProfessorChaos]

Good thing for you that you only waited a short time before going to the VA (which has turned itself into a world class mental health care treatment system). I let that shit eat me up for almost 18 years, ruined the best relationship I ever had, and generally frakked up a wonderful life before I went for help. i'm glad that you didn't make the mistake I did. you won't be 41 years old and feel like you've just awoken from a nightmare only to find it wasn't a nightmare and that nearly 20 years have zipped by that you cannot get back. that is why I tell everyone I can to ask for help as early as possible, because of all the emotions we can feel regret is about the worst. i'm dealing with that regret of chances lost, friendships destroyed, relationship with my ex gone, my kid living in another country and all the other shit that goes along with that. it's the last hurdle I've got to get over. i'll make it, I know that but I wish this was a road that I never had to take. i'm very glad that won't happen to you. i still feel that my epiphany that i was dealing with some issues came a little too late, as i was truly in love with a wonderful girl at the time shit all started going downhill. i'm happy in the relationship i'm in now, but it's kinda like that elvis song, "she's not you", ya know? like i said, it was about the happiest time in my life, but i had sort of a survivor's guilt thing start followed shortly by some harrowing surreal nightmares about dying a fiery death in a roadside bomb attack, then major problems would arise over my reaction to petty things, and the poor girl had no idea how to deal with me (hell, i didn't really know how to deal with me, for fuck's sake). the downfall of my most precious relationship was entirely due to my inner demons, and a lot of self-loathing came from that. i do realize, though, that it is a good thing that i sought help and counsel rather than letting that shit fester inside me for years on end. it's very easy to lose sight of the big picutre in life when even the smallest of setbacks feels like a catastrophe. i sympathize with you about your struggles, as i feel that the 3 years or so it took me to come around to these realizations was too long....i imagine that almost two decades would feel like an eternity. keep your eyes on the prize, though, brother. life does go on, and as long as you're on the right path, things will hopefully continue to improve for you. thanks for your understanding.

[MoonSylver]

Sure, why not.... My wife and I have recently split up. We're calling it a trial seperation, but i'm sure most people know how that usually works out. I've been hopping around sofas between friends and family for a few weeks now. Fingers crossed it'll work out not unly for us, but mainly for our daughter. We shall see. I also recently came to the realization that i'm a borderline alcoholic. I only say borderline because I never got the shakes or had to have it every day, but I was quite heavily involved with the sauce. That also had a good bit to do with the seperation. Been sober for about a month now and intend on staying that way. Jason, I'm REALLY sorry to hear about this bro. You were one of the people I thought of when my own marriage crashed & burned, just because it made me feel good in some weird way to know some of my HPOTD homies were happily married. I hope you guys can work it out, My ex had no interest in even trying, but if your does, give it every chance, if that's what you want. My biggest regret in mine is that I never had the chance to try & fix things, even though I had no choice in the matter. If you ever need it, give me a shout. Hope for all the best for you.

[bassman]

Thanks moon, I appreciate that. I'm definitely trying and keeping my fingers crossed, but I just don't know. Here's hoping, anyway.

[Mike70]

I tend to see the world almost entirely through music. that may sound strange but if you are a musical person you probably get where i'm coming from. this is a song that has helped me through some dark, dark times. i did not take this video but i was there. this was only the second show i'd been too since 1995 because of social anxiety. the first was a the show in columbus a day or so earlier. this is from Nobelsville, Indiana in 2010. i was about 8 rows back on the right side of the stage.

[Exatreides]

I'll give it a go. I can't get out of a terrible relationship. I don't know if it's a fear of being alone, or actual love. I dated a girl, lets call her Amanda (Since that's her name) From October to December of 2011. In December, I got my orders to go to 68WM6 School (Army LPN school) in March. We had a couple choices, break up before I left, or have me go down there and get a place and bring her down. The Army has something called BAH (Basic Allowance for Housing) which corresponds to the where your stationed. Well, we were all told we would get this while we were down training. We did not, Army Reservists are not authorized BAH past something like 179 days, my orders were for 373. So we talked it out and decided to try it keep going. Long distance relationships suck. She wanted me to call her every day and talk for over an hour, but we don't have a huge amount of things in common and the conversations would peter out pretty quick -I'd try to get off the phone and she'd throw a fit. June of last year she cheated on me. I forgave her, she came down a couple times to visit and things went well. But the long distance thing kept tearing us apart. We broke up at the end of October last year. We still were trying to "work things out" we still texted and called all the time. Ended the night with I love you. Part of "Working it out." was not sleeping with anyone else -Which I didn't. She however slept with 2 dudes, a girl, and have mouth hugs to another guy. Could I really be mad? I mean we were broken up, and just "trying to work things out, and Alcohol was to blame for each of these events. I forgave her on New Years (I was home for Christmas block leave) And were trying again. But there's still that tension, and I don't know if I could ever trust her again. Hell, I know I should break up with her, close that chapter in my life and move on. But I just can't seem to get over her. I graduate March 27th, and I honestly don't know if I want her to be here. Sorry for the boring relationship post guys.

[MoonSylver]

^^^ I kinda sorta know how you feel. Reading your post, the sane, logical thing to do would be drop that chick ASAP & run as fast as possible. But I'm lonely (horny) enough I think I would put up with all that drama just to have some one (get laid). Parentheticals or not depend on if it's my heart or hormones talking.