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Thread: Start of a story, help with title

  1. #1
    Fresh Meat
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    Aaland

    Start of a story, help with title

    Hello, I've just started to write a story and I wanted to run it past some people to see what you think. I'm also struggling to come up with a good title, I'm going for something "realistic" in NYC, not the usual "the world falls apart in a day" but a dragged out story, focusing more on moral dilemmas and crowds unintentionally causing death or problems etc, and a look into what actions a government could "realistically" take to try to prevent the spread of the disease, not the usual "NUKE EM ALL!".

    I'll upload a "flashier" pdf version here: https://www.docdroid.net/QLWFHp7/hobby-book.pdf
    And also just paste the text here if for some reason you can't reach the link. I would really love some feedback on what you think, did the location feel real/dull, did the characters feel believable etc. Even if it's just "I hated it" I still want to hear it Constrictive feedback would be great tho

  2. #2
    Webmaster Neil's Avatar
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    Sorry, I've removed the first chapter as it's a huge amount of text.

    I would immediately comment though that it needs paragraphs introduced. ie: When a single paragraph goes on for two or more pages, it needs breaking up IMHO. Especially when it has dialogue/conversation in it.

    I'll have a proper read in due course (from the PDF)
    Look again at that dot. That's here. That's home. That's us. On it everyone you love, everyone you know, everyone you ever heard of, every human being who ever was, lived out their lives. The aggregate of our joy and suffering, thousands of confident religions, ideologies, and economic doctrines, every hunter and forager, every hero and coward, every creator and destroyer of civilization, every king and peasant, every young couple in love, every mother and father, hopeful child, inventor and explorer, every teacher of morals, every corrupt politician, every "superstar," every "supreme leader," every saint and sinner in the history of our species lived there--on a mote of dust suspended in a sunbeam. [click for more]
    -Carl Sagan

  3. #3
    Fresh Meat
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    Aaland
    Oh, sorry, thanks for removing it You're right that I should break up the text more, it made it much easier to read

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