A script idea...feed back needed

[Cartma7546]

So here is the basic story in a nut shell. Obviously a zombie outbreak happens and the story revolves around a teenager who like us was a fan of the GAR films. Because of this, he has prior knowledge that helps him survive. He and his father hold up in their home until a event happens (not going to say what) that forces him to leave his home. On the other side of the city he is living in, a group of military men are holding up while protecting survivers that seek refuge in a grocery store. Eventually the two story lines collide and the youngster is dissapointed at the way the military is killing the dead. At this point it is three months after the original outbreak and by now the kid has become a killing machine using a small katana and gun when need be. He helps teach the military how to conserve munitions by never having their guns on automatic and by using knifes and blunt objects to dismiss the living dead. Now keep in mind this is a severly watered down synopsis but tell me if you think it could work or if I should just get back to my internet porn.

-thank you.

[rightwing401]

Well, I'm going to have to be frank with you Cart. Nothing, and I mean absolutely nothing, seems to set off more red flags concerning fiction around here than the invincible teenager.
A script or story focused on a teenager surviving the rising is not in essense a bad idea. But the way these kinds of stories have been imployed in the past have either been rediculous or just plain sucked.
As a reader, here's what I immediately don't like. You've got a kid who's teaching men who have been trained to kill and maintain fire discipline and have survived for three months of constant battling with the dead on how to effectively kill them and conserve their ammo.
I have several friends in various branches of the military, and every single one of them can vouche that the way soldiers shoot in hollywood movies is total b*llsh*t from how they really shoot. They never 'sray and pray' from the hip, that's something untrained and undisciplined men do, they take fairly well aimed shots. Hollywood's only recently been starting to get that right.
I think after making it through three months these military men would know exactly how to handle the dead. The only way I see you making this works is that they are almost completely out of ammo.
Second, you'd have to come up with a really good explanation why a group of men who have been trained to kill with their bare hands are going to start taking directions from a teenager on how to take them out.
Plus, I could say in all honesty that I would never want to get anywhere near a walking dead person unless I had absolutely no other choice. I sure wouldn't use a knife, the only way that would work would be to stabb the blade through an eye to pierce the brain. Anything else and you risk getting the knife jammed into bone beyond the ability to simply jerk out. Romero hit the nail on the head with that in Dawn of the Dead, when Blades has to get one of his friends to help pull his machete out of a zombie's skull.
That's another thing too, the machete, it'd only be good for hacking a zombie's head off, not much else. And there's simply no way that it could be done in one swing, I doubt even with dead flesh.
Finally, there has to be something that the teenager can do or offer that the soldiers would need but don't have. I'd personally recommend that he knows what areas of the city are least infested and clogged with wreckage, thus making him the perfect scout and giving him just a little leverage with the soldiers, since you imply that he somehow makes his way over to their side of the city.
One last thing. For justified arguments sake, anyone who could survive for three months after the dead rose is bound to be tougher than what they once were. But I do not recommed Rambo type stuff with the teenager taking on 20 + zombies at a time. Any who's made it that far's not going to put themselves in a situation where they'll take on no more than three or five at a time.
I'd like you to know that your story can be done, but you really need to be careful how you go about doing it. You may find this critizism harsh, but I'm doing it so that your tale will really work.

[Cartma7546]

Trust me when i was putting the all together I wanted to make sure that it didn't turn into a cheesey "lets kill these bitches" style zombie movie. I understand how difficult it is going to be to make it realistic that my character will be able to instruct a group of army guys thus I may scratch that and say he advises them in their killing ways. Would you buy that? Also my explanation of his killing machine adaption is that being that he's in a city that is over run with the dead, he's had plenty of time to perfect it. I appricate your comments and will take them to heart. Thank you.

[SRP76]

A potential problem that I see is that readers of Twilight of the Dead may cry foul. The concept of outsiders being pretty much "zombie experts" and training military men on zombie disposal was a big part of that story (since the main characters were all in this "elite" group).

Another thing that may derail it is the fact that we have one kid survivng what would have to be an absolute tsunami of the dead. For an entire military unit to get shoved into a supermarket, it would take the city being wall-to-wall zombies, really. As in the streets are thick with them. Not even the most incredible "one-man-army" would be able to get across town under those conditions. If you have a way around that, though, then it could be overlooked.

[rightwing401]

This is my advice. Try having your character be more of a reluctant fighter. Given enough time, people can become really good at anything. Thus, if he has to hide all the time, he would be very good at it. Plus, zombies are pretty dumb, which makes ambush attack an ideal method for your character.
As for getting around, perhapse you could make him having created a path through back alleys, small spaces through walls, and sewer routes to get around. That would give credability for him being able to reach the other side of the city and possibly have a trump card for getting the military to listen to him.
I just want you to know that none of us (at least myself) are trying to crush your hopes on this story out of malice. We just speak from experience about stories like this.
As it is, I wish you best of luck with your tale.

[Cartma7546]

I don't feel that way at all. I needed honest opinions and suggestions. I'll take it into thought and re tool my story and it should be up within a month or so. thanks for you guys help.

[zombieparanoia]

You should make sure he also achieves the following; 1. Hooks up with his old high schools hottest cheerleader(Be sure to have him think about how she never would have even looked at him before all this had happened) 2. Carries a desert eagle .50 pistol with the 30 round mag(If possible make it two, in dual shoulder holster rigs) 3. Is responsible for the 'ironic" death of his former high school tormentor(extra points if he was also the cheerleaders ex boyfriend) 4. Dives through a plate of mirrored glass, firing guns with both hands with flames and doves flying in the background.

Call John Woo to direct and David Caruso for the lead and watch Hollywood **** themselves trying to buy your script for immediate production.

[Cartma7546]

:D


Call John Woo to direct and David Caruso for the lead and watch Hollywood **** themselves trying to buy your script for immediate production.

well in that case I'm ganna give him a tooth pick while I'm at it.:D