I Really Could Use Some Advice. Very Serious Situation.

[3pidemiC]

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[bassman]

Whew. That took a little while to read.:p

I don't have much advice, but I think if you're missing home and your family, that's more of a reason to roam. Home is ALWAYS going to be there. Take your chances with your woman and California. Role the dice. As corny as it sounds....we only go around once in this life.

Home is always there to catch you when you fall. For the rest of the time, you're trying to learn to fly...

[Tricky]

I cant really offer much in the way of advice there,but all i can say is theres two of you in the relationship dude,it sounds like you just go along with whatever she (or indeed her sister) want at the moment,so maybe she needs to compromise with you a bit so you both see equal amounts of home & family. :)

[DawnGirl27]

Tough situation, tough decisions to make. You say separation is not an option with your girl friend, so you're going to have to make concessions together. This should not all be on you.
It's hard to be away from home, especially when you're younger, and haven't really been away for extended periods of time. And when you're in a place you feel you don't quite fit in, it's easy to get homesick.
If you decide to stay, take advantage of the phone, internet, (webcam?), to keep in touch with your family and friends back home. See if you can go back for holidays, or they can come visit you in CA.
As for meeting people, look on the net and find groups that interest you, which may be a jumping off point for finding new friends. If you go to church, that's another option. Customers can also give you ideas of where they go on their free time, as well.
Hope this helps a little... :)

[Philly_SWAT]

This is quite the situation you have there, one that I am sure is not unique. Many people find themselves in similiar situations to yours in their life. I do not know your girlfriend, but from my experience, most women will make your life miserable unless you do exactly what they want. Maybe you are lucky and she isnt like that. If she isnt, then you need to address your concerns with her as eloquently as you have here and come to some type of mutual decision. What is most important to you? Living in a better area with better whether? Living close to your family? The cost associated with moving? The college situation? What is most important to your girlfriend? What are the pros and cons? Which place to live is important to the two of you as a unit...which is more important, your schooling (right now in Michigan) or her desire to stay in California? Does she have a similiar reason to stay there like you do to move back (i.e school)? If school is the most important, than move back, you can always remove to Cali later in life. But if she is the type who will make your life miserable unless you do exactly what she wants, then you have new decisions. Are you willing to be miserable your whole life by moving back against her wishes? Are you willing to sacrifice your life goals just to satisfy her desire to life near her sister? Make a list and write everything down and see if that helps. You could compromise and just move to Florida. No state sales tax at all, similiar weather to Cailifornia, and as far as I know, no limits on how/when you can enroll in a college.

[MissJacksonCA]

Listen to Philly Swat I just got back from Florida and as a native Californian I think Florida is a better spot to live in lol. But I digress... your family will always be there for you but your woman might not. She needs to support your incentives to remain in Michigan but... I would reccomend staying in So Cal if for no other reason than because when you're in school there and paying out the nose for tuition you'll be meeting people and socializing more as well as making connections in your area with people in the field you're pursuing your studies in which in turn lands you an 'in' for your future work. Ultimately your girlfriend is going to want to be in California. Why move to Michigan just to have to move back for her in the end? You can't take a girl back to the farm once she's seen Paris.

[Trencher]

Looks like your girlfirend has been manipulation you for a long time, you should tell her that you only moved out to that place filled with fake people to help her sister, and since she allready have a husband they should be able to deal with one child on their own. You want to go home so you should. If she wants to ditch you for California then she should have told you before. I dont have any real advice for you because its difficult for me to know whats most important to you. Your suportive family or your girlfriend. I dont think that people should be forced by their partner to live somewhere they dont like "just because".

[Tricky]

Your only 20 anyway dude,theres the rest of your life for all this serious grown up stuff,follow your own dreams while your still young enough to do so :)

[Yojimbo]

Dude, I know this is a hard situation for you. I myself, if faced with the choice of having to live life with or apart from my wife, would have to choose to stay with my woman because I just couldn't bear to be separated from the woman I love and have pledged to be with for the rest of my life.


That being said, I am 40 years old, twice your age, did not marry my wife until I was 33 and this was after having lived with her for three years. Prior to that, I had a lot of experiences playing the field so to speak and had a number of other relationships, none of which ended up as solid for one reason or another.

Looking back on what I wanted, and also who and what I thought was important in my life back when I was 20 years old is kind of like looking back on a different person who had an different life and an entirely different set of values and desires. I can honestly say that I was not in a place in my life back then to be able to deal with a situation like yours, and looking back I recall some relationships that at the time seemed solid but did not pan out much to my surprise. And at 20, my head was not in a place where I would have made the same decisions that I eventually made in my 30s or at 40. People can change significantly as they age, and I know that a lot of my friends who got married in their early 20s are now divorced because they eventually grew apart.

I tend to agree, therefore, with what Tricky said. But, I hope that I am not coming off as lecturing at you (I have a little sister about your age, and I know that she must, from time to time, feel like I am an old fart who talks like a know it all about life issues) and I hope too that you understand that I am not saying that your relationship at 20 is not worth working out and sticking with. As I mentioned, a lot of my friends who committed at 20 got divorced, but there is one couple that I know of who managed to grow together as they got older and are still together and living happily after all these years. Another couple that I know that are still together had some major issues, but through counseling and good cooperation they are at this time still together and doing their best to work things out since in their case they have children and have decided to stick together.

So, in summation, while the romantic in my head says if you love your girl then stick with her and follow your heart, the cynic that is always lurking in my head says that you should have a serious discussion again with your partner in which you clearly state your position and only make your decision after carefully weighing out your options and assessing whether or not you really truly think that your relationship is going to last. You have needs that are just as valid as the needs of your woman, and while in a relationship concessions will always need to be made they should not be made in a one-sided manner. Your final decision, therefore, should be one of logic (as much as one can be spock-like in an emotionally charged situation) and should neither be based soley on being homesick, nor should it be one based purely on being lovesick.

Hard decisions, but you've always seemed from your posts to be an intelligent and well balanced dude, so I know that you will make the right one. Regardless, I wish you luck.

BTW: I was born in Southern California, and am a native Los Angeleno. There is a lot of snobby, fake-ass people here, it is true. But if you get past that, there are a lot of really cool, decent folk here too. California can be a pretty nice place to spend your life if you can get past the crime, and the traffic and the overpriced housing, and - hell, now it doesn't sound all that great anymore! But, any place you live is going to have an issue of some kind, and as long as it is not your hometown, no matter where you go you will always long for home.

[Danny]

all i can say has already been said, if you truly love each other youve both gotta concede on matters, its not a one way street. im 20 too and ive seen 3 of my long time friends, the same age, go through some very similar stuff, 2 were married but at such an early age had just fallen into it with the first girl that liked them but as time went on it got steadily more sour. thats not to say it will for you but you not alone in these kinds of problems. id say youve gotta talk it out with her rather than ask people youve never met on an internet forum honestly.

To echo bassman youve got one life to lead and it really only starts at 20, you just got to ask yourself if you like the direction your going in right now.

[Yojimbo]

id say youve gotta talk it out with her rather than ask people youve never met on an internet forum honestly.

To echo bassman youve got one life to lead and it really only starts at 20, you just got to ask yourself if you like the direction your going in right now.

Wise words, brother. :)

[3pidemiC]

id say youve gotta talk it out with her rather than ask people youve never met on an internet forum honestly.


As I said at the end of it, I wanted to speak to some people about this that don't have any bias. My girlfriend wants to stay here, I am leaning to go home, my parents want me home, my co-workers want me here (because they've grown up here), and my girlfriend's sister wants me here.

Thanks though.

[Yojimbo]

As I said at the end of it, I wanted to speak to some people about this that don't have any bias.

That certainly is a valid reason for soliciting input from folks here since we don't have the baggage or the hidden agendas that folks you personally know might have. It's a big decision, so I respect your efforts to consider all points of view before moving forward.

[Mutineer]

It seems to be a pattern here

You seem to be controlled by your girlfriend; you continually have protested only to give in, over and over and over.

You do what YOU need to do. Relationships are give and take and there should be some semblance of balance in one direction or another. It seems she is the one who has been taking.

It is not hard to meet new people; you must learn to network and get involved with whatever interests you with clubs or meetings (Meetups) for whatever those hobbies or activities are.

Do what you have to do for YOU. You will only regret it later in life.

-

Also, does your college offer an online curriculum while you wait for residency ?

Also, ask yourself why it is you are feeling homesick ? Will this phase pass ? Are you missing something you cannot have currently ?

[3pidemiC]

After re-reading my original post, I suppose that the relationship does seem to be one-sided. I honestly do not feel that it actually is. In every case, I just tend to be a little more reserved. I used to not really like to take chances and be adventurous. I've put my foot down about many things in my relationship.

[MikePizzoff]

Remind your girlfriend of the fact that you made extremely drastic changes in your life for her. Tell her that she needs to consider making some for you.

Maybe you guys could live in Michigan during spring/summer then go to LV/CA during fall/winter and stay with her sisters?

[Publius]

Darn, Murrieta?? I live in Temecula. I've been to that Best Buy many times.


Listen to Philly Swat I just got back from Florida and as a native Californian I think Florida is a better spot to live in lol.

TRAITOR!!! :p

[SymphonicX]

So it comes down to this:

your gf wants to stay in Cali and you are divided between Cali and Michigan because of the practicalities?

Easy solution: talk diplomatically with your gf. take into consideration your family, your thoughts/feelings and hers too. Weigh up the inbalances and let her know that her happiness is just as important as yours. Remember you crossed the country for her family, and made a sacrifice for something that really wasn't your problem...that was very noble and a nice thing to do, she's got to meet you halfway and there HAS to be a middle ground.

If it's not practical for your education or your future to be in Cali, then it's not practical for her's either...she may enjoy it there but if there's no financial commitments or obligations that aren't avoidable then you both have to find somewhere to go. Whatever you do make it YOUR decision collectively, no one should be making a huge sacrifice for the sake of anyone else.

[axlish]

I think your first action should be to marry your girlfirend and quit dicking around. Six years is long enough to decide whether or not you want to spend the rest of your life with her. Put that ring on her finger and all decisions regarding your future will be decided together and agreed upon. Leaving each other should not be an option unless that is something that you both want to do. College isn't going anywhere. Take your time and make a wise choice.

Florida is just like any other place. There are great areas but there are a lot of trashy areas as well. Our sales tax is lower, and once you get above Orlando, the people get a lot less snobbier, but rednecks run rampant as well.

[SymphonicX]

I been with my gf for 7 years...we have no intention of getting married - marriage is a fallacy anyway.

[Tricky]

I think your first action should be to marry your girlfirend and quit dicking around. Six years is long enough to decide whether or not you want to spend the rest of your life with her. .


Thats debatable actually,i spent 5 years with a girl i'm no longer with & i met her when i was 20,feelings & plans for life can change,especially at that age

[Yojimbo]

Thats debatable actually,i spent 5 years with a girl i'm no longer with & i met her when i was 20,feelings & plans for life can change,especially at that age
Once again, I agree with Tricky: marriage is a heavy decision at age 20, and should not be entered into just out of convenience or because you think that it is the thing to do after being together for a number of years. IMO, romantic love for one another should not be the only reasons that a couple should take into consideration before they make the decision to be wed.




Florida is just like any other place. There are great areas but there are a lot of trashy areas as well.

Axlish is correct: All places, including Florida, are going to have their good points and bad points, but if homesickness is the primary reason for wanting to leave California, then you will be likely to feel just as homesick in Florida, Nevada, or Hawaii for that matter.

[MikePizzoff]

I think your first action should be to marry your girlfirend and quit dicking around. Six years is long enough to decide whether or not you want to spend the rest of your life with her. Put that ring on her finger


Thats debatable actually,i spent 5 years with a girl i'm no longer with & i met her when i was 20,feelings & plans for life can change,especially at that age

Tricky's right. Last winter I got out of a 5 and a half year relationship. I thought for sure I was spending the rest of my life with the girl but, like Tricky said, sh1t happens.

Whatever you do: do not ask her to marry you!!!

[lullubelle]

wow, sugar, sorry to hear all this, but as a mother of a 22 year old I think you are home sick, you are used to Michigan, home is there, family is there, friends are there, leaving the nest is hard you should see how hard it was for my son, kept coming over everyday, even told his girlfriend nobody cooks like Mom, that as you imagine did not help him much with her, but he has been gone, let me refraise that, he moved out, 3 years ago, now he calls once a week, and yes I hear how much he misses home in his voice, but as a modern mother I am 42, I decided that he has to make his own life and at times it's hard for me to pretend that I am ok with him being married and here, but I guess what I am trying to say is that all of us have gone through something like this and you have to decide on what is best for you and at least not knock the situation you are in before you really get a chance to see if it works, you might be depressed because you are holding on to Michigan, let it go from your mind, keep it in your heart, make sure you call you folks at least once a week, and if the chance arises and you can go visit do, and make the most of it, we all go through this, I moved to NY in 1988, my was 2, my daughter was 5 month old, it's been 20 years and I still miss my Mom, can you belive that, but I know now that it was the right move for my family, home will always be there, it will never go away, be strong sugar, you will be ok, I made you will too, and remeber no matter where you are you are home as long as you carry all the good memories and rember you parents teachings, be well sugar.

[Mike70]

first off are you the youngest boy in your family or the first one to move out? if so, that probably has a lot to do with the way your parents are reacting. the idea that your child doesn't need you (for material support) any longer can be a tough pill for a parent to swallow.

never, ever, ever let your family stand in the way of your own personal happiness. it is your life and you are certainly old enough to decide how you want to conduct it, where you want to live and who you want to spend it with.

it does sound like you are homesick. feeling that way sucks big time but it will pass as you get used to new surroundings, new state, new people, etc.

as far as your relationship goes, only you can really know where your heart lies. what is it saying to you? the fact that you uprooted yourself and moved to nevada and then moved again to california to be with her speaks volumes to me.

[Yojimbo]

even told his girlfriend nobody cooks like Mom, that as you imagine did not help him much with her

Lullubelle, I cringed on behalf of your son when I read that, but if it's any consolation to him he should know he's not the only guy ever to make that sort of mistake. :o

[3pidemiC]

first off are you the youngest boy in your family or the first one to move out? if so, that probably has a lot to do with the way your parents are reacting. the idea that your child doesn't need you (for material support) any longer can be a tough pill for a parent to swallow.
.

I'm the middle child. My older brother moved out about 4 years ago. But he moved only a city away. I guess it's a lot different for them because it was across the country for me.

[SymphonicX]

wow, sugar, sorry to hear all this, but as a mother of a 22 year old I think you are home sick, you are used to Michigan, home is there, family is there, friends are there, leaving the nest is hard you should see how hard it was for my son, kept coming over everyday, even told his girlfriend nobody cooks like Mom, that as you imagine did not help him much with her, but he has been gone, let me refraise that, he moved out, 3 years ago, now he calls once a week, and yes I hear how much he misses home in his voice, but as a modern mother I am 42, I decided that he has to make his own life and at times it's hard for me to pretend that I am ok with him being married and here, but I guess what I am trying to say is that all of us have gone through something like this and you have to decide on what is best for you and at least not knock the situation you are in before you really get a chance to see if it works, you might be depressed because you are holding on to Michigan, let it go from your mind, keep it in your heart, make sure you call you folks at least once a week, and if the chance arises and you can go visit do, and make the most of it, we all go through this, I moved to NY in 1988, my was 2, my daughter was 5 month old, it's been 20 years and I still miss my Mom, can you belive that, but I know now that it was the right move for my family, home will always be there, it will never go away, be strong sugar, you will be ok, I made you will too, and remeber no matter where you are you are home as long as you carry all the good memories and rember you parents teachings, be well sugar.

Jeeze I moved out at 19 years old and didn't call home for a year!! lol....

[lullubelle]

Jeeze I moved out at 19 years old and didn't call home for a year!! lol....

Sugar, considered yourself adopted :D :D :D

[3pidemiC]

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