RE Revisited

[Cartma7546]

With RE 5 spinning in my xbox, I figured I'd go back and give the movies another try. I wish I hadn't, the first one is garbage having nothing to do with the games...AT ALL, the second is good thanks mostly to the sexy lady who played Jill, and the third one...I honestly don't know what they were doing with that one. Now I hear a fourth is in the works...should i just kill myself now or later?

Or am I being to hard on Mr. Paul Anderson? Help me out people how do you feel about this trio of crap?

[SymphonicX]

Nope you're not being hard.

RE1 was rubbish in extremeness. I couldn't believe how rubbish it was. Simply not learning the names of the characters during the movie usually dictates that the whole film isn't worth a poo in a bucket.

However number 2 was worse for me - yeah Jill's lovely but those slo-mo cheap-ass moments were so rubbish and embarassing. I don't even remember anything else.

As for 3, well that was just a movie that systematically ripped off loads of other apocalyptic movies incl Day, Mad Max etc etc. Total gash.

As for number 4, I'll cut my own eyes out before watching it.

[mista_mo]

how hard is it to get resident evil 1 right:

You got 2 police squads, both part of a super elite police force. One sent to investigate weird occurrences in mountains; goes missing. Other team goes in to look for first team. New team loses members, head for big ominous looking mansion in the hills.

team 2, now consisting of an overly sexualized tight outfit wearing women, a Hairy guy with a big gun, the Aryan, and the retarded main male character all try to figure shit out in the mansion. they put arrow heads in rocks, move a shit load of levers, take gems out of a big stuffed moose head to put in a stuffed eagle which is a security camera (wtf?) and do other totally tedious, boring, and ridiculous puzzles to open 1 door, which leads to a kitchen with one zombie and an elevator to the SUPAR SEEKRIT underground lab. Aryan guy continually tries to hamper the progress of the team by unleashing BOWs on them, and shooting bees with a pistol. Retarded male, or bouncy breasted nitwit (whichever tests better with audiences) make a ton of absurd comments, such as 'hey, what is this big red puddle that i just steppedin, Jill sandwich, master of unlocking, wow, that's a big plant etc. in an effort to convey terror. When they enter the lab they continue to do overtly thought out puzzles, occasionally kill a zombie, dog, or combination there of, and generally act like morons.

Make sure they aren't allowed to solve puzzles using obvious solutions such as climbing over fences, or breaking doors open, as that is something intelligent characters would do, and this is resident evil! Anytime someone tries to go the easy route, they die. after a lot of talking, back tracking, slow mo fight scenes, titty jiggling, and muscle flexing, jiggles and dumbtard get to some giant room filled with test tubes and shit. Aryan comes out from behind one, and taunts them, and tells them about the secrets behind this facility, its true purpose, his shoe size, his favorite breed of dog, and the way he feels when puts on high heels and picks up older men. How did he get here all safe and sound? Well turns out he is actually Some genius scientist who helped fuck everything up, and wanted to use the 'stars team' as test subjects to test out the combat effectiveness of his lizard men and zombie dogs. goddamn. so, this shit pulls out a gun and shoots one them, and then emotional music and name screaming commence, but goddamn, this is a horror movie and killing off a main character that way is gay. Nit wit or jiggles pulls out some aerosol and sprays the other in the face, which removes the bullet, re attaches any blood vessels mends broken bones, and patches up skin. Hell, they don't even need guns, just let them walk around with a back pack full of aide sprays, so that when they get bit in half by a giant shark they can jsut spray their blood stumps and grow the limbs back. Then they can beat the monsters with the empty cans.

After he sees his shitty bullet didn't do any good the guy opens up this tube and there is this big blue veiny monster floating in water with blue food coloring in it. he calls this thing tiara or something, and lets it out. Tiara gets angry because this little blond shit just interrupted it's beauty sleep, and i mean, it didn't have to be up for another 7 hours for its manicure, so it stabs him in the face. He falls down coughing up blood as his entrails fall out all over the floor, then tiara and the last of the a-team fight. The humans tactic should be to stand still and shoot, and when tiara runs at them they robotically move out of the way, stand still and shoot some more. After 13 hours tiara faints because she over tanned herself, and the good guys run to the surface. before they make it, they notice wiskers is no where to be found, but they assume he is still dead, so they run up a lot of stairs and get to an elevator all the while singing don't stop believing by journey, because that is such an inspiring song. When they make it up they use a large vanity mirror to signal their manly ass helicopter pilot, who had to fly away because he was busy scoring chicks and cutting zombies up with his helicopter blades. While they are waiting tiara jumps up and they fight again. This time, the helicopter pilot says ' hey you dumb shits, shooting him in the balls with your hand guns isn't going to work, so use this rocket lawnchair and and blow him to shit. what a manly bastard.

After they blow the thing up, the hairy guy comes up and him and nitwit make out while jiggles just laughs and does jumping jacks. Manly looks down at them from the sky, says fuck this shit then flies away. No one notices cus they are too busy doing jumping jacks and making out and shit, and then the mansion blows up. The sequel is all about the helicopter pilot and how him and Gordon Freeman take down the company, parasol, and then roll around on mounds of cocaine as beautiful women grind and shake their booties.

[AcesandEights]

The only thing I don't particularly like about RE1 are the crappy licker effects. Aside from that, it was pretty good fun and better--though presented very differently, I feel--than a ton (and I mean megaton) of other zombie movies.

Aside from an abortive attempt to sit through RE2, I've the left the rest of that series alone. They seem like dog shit.

[ProfessorChaos]

i saw re1 in theaters and was immediately let down. after a stressful and long 7-month tour in iraq, i came back to the states and almost flipped out on my first night back at the barracks trying to watch re2 cuz it was so fucking lame and predictable...didn't think it could get any worse, then itried to sit through re3 about twice, but in both cases shut it off after five minutes.

the resident evil movies are shit, and i hold them and all involved responsible for the declination of what was once a creepy, atmospheric, and engaging video game series.

so yeah...fuck the resident evil movies and RE4 and RE5.

[Yojimbo]

the resident evil movies are shit, and i hold them and all involved responsible for the declination of what was once a creepy, atmospheric, and engaging video game series.

so yeah...fuck the resident evil movies and RE4 and RE5.
Right on Professor!

Though I did like that one bit where some dude runs over a zombie with his car and shouts "GTA Motherfucker! 10 points!" That being said, I too hate the RE movies, and blame them for causing hemmorhoids and male pattern baldness.

[Andy]

The resident evil movies are epic let downs, i mean suicidal movies.. only measurable on the land of the dead scale.

Has anyone ever read the GAR resident evil script and imagined what could of been?

[krakenslayer]

I'm still heartbroken that they didn't shoot Romero's script. It had almost all the characters from the first game (albeit slightly re-tooled to make them more human), was awesomely fast paced, had waves of zombies, lots of ripping flesh and blood, that kind of rotting fifty-year-old fern-patterned wallpaper you've only ever seen in RE1, hidden key pads, undead sharks/dogs/horses, a ticking bomb finale; also, the man-eating mutant plants were present and correct, as were the hunters (six of them) and the Tyrant. Wesker is suitably bastard-esque and near the end of the film Chris Redfield shoots a Tyrant in the heart with a rocket launcher.

In other words it was a fuckin' RESIDENT EVIL movie, not the poor man's Deep Blue Sea with zombies that we ended up with. :(


Here it is in all its glory: http://www.dailyscript.com/scripts/resident_evil_romero.html

[Cartma7546]

so yeah...fuck the resident evil movies and RE4...

Whoa Whoa Whoa sir, you better pump your breaks. RE4? That game was the shit. Granted it didn't go with the flow of the other RE games but it was revolutionary and lets not kid ourselves Leon is a badass. RE5 on the other hand is shit, and steals from alot of other games. Not to mention the boss battles are boring and a pain to go through

[ProfessorChaos]

yeah, re4 was fun, but should have been called something else, cuz it sure as fuck doesn't deserve to bear that title, imo...so i think it's name/franchise rape compared to re1,2,and 3. and from what i've seen/heard/demo'ed of re5, it is just a continuation of this trend of more action, more explosions, and none of the things that made the first games so great. so fuck both of 'em. i say. sorry we're not on the same sheet of music here.

but yeah, i think the re movies are mostly to blame.