Anyone have deadbeat father stories they'd like to share?

[MikePizzoff]

For some reason this is on my mind right now and I felt like sharing, in case any of you need to get some stuff of their chests as well.

My Father impregnated my Mother when she was 19. He split when I was 1 year old.

Ten years later he had two daughters with another woman, out in California. About four or five years after that, he left them.

Three/four years after that, he decided to return to my Mother and I's life... just as I was turning 18, how convenient. He then had two more kids with my Mother, giving me two awesome siblings, 1 brother and 1 sister.

What happened 5 years later? He split again. But he didn't just split. My Mother found out he had been cheating on her for the past 4 years, so he beat her so severely the neighbors had to call the cops whom had to come break down the door and rip him off of her. (sadly, I wasn't around when this happened or else it would have been a different story... however I'd probably either be in jail or dead)

I now have a disabled Mother who has to deal with raising a 6 year old boy and a 5 year old girl on her own, with hardly any help from the government or my father. I try my best to live close and help them out as much as possible, but there's only so much I can do compared to them having a husband/father-figure in their lives.

[Tied2thetracks]

One of my best friends has one guy that said he would rather sit in prison than pay child support, he has. Her other baby daddy was finally gonna get charged with 3 years of non payment so he reapplied for social security(prieviously denied) to restart the whole process. I have 4 children and could never turn my back on my own.

[JDFP]

What about dead beat mother stories?

I hate the phrase "Dead Beat Dad" because it only goes one way -- looking at men as opposed to looking at women who may be as equally bad as mothers, if not worse. Are there some terrible men/fathers in this world? Absolutely. Mike, my heart goes out to you for what you had to endure with your father, I'm truly sorry for your situation and that's horrible.

Yet, there are so many good men and fathers who don't have a chance to see/raise their children because of the bias in divorce courts towards mothers. Is this always the case? No. But, unless you're snorting cocaine or shooting up heroin as a mother, chances are (in most U.S. courts at least, in most states) you're going to get full custody in a divorce situation. I don't often cuss, but I'll say it very clearly, if a father is wanting to be a true father to a child, than it's absolute horse-shit and beyond fucked up for a father to be relegated to having the "RIGHT" to see his child/children on the weekends or every other weekend and some holidays in situations of divorce. That's not right. And I speak from personal experience as I'm sure many of you around my same age have also experienced the same thing in your lives.

My mom and dad divorced when I was 7 back in 1988. Turns out mom was whoring herself around with other men and dad wouldn't stand for that. Of course, mom was still awarded full custody of me and made sure dad got to spend very little time with me as a person growing up because the courts were on her side. My grandparents had pretty much raised me until the age of 7 anyway because mom and dad worked their asses off to provide for me. Somewhere between mom's brilliant decision of marrying her third husband after the second one which was a complete disaster (I was around 15) I pretty much told her under no uncertain terms I was moving in with my grandparents, and so they were, for all intents and purposes, my mom and dad growing up. Please don't get me wrong, even though my mom is a very flawed person I do love her, but I don't like her as a person very much. She's made some real shitty decisions in her life.

I didn't really get to know my dad, of no fault of his own, until I was in high school. It wasn't until I started driving and had more freedom around my junior/senior year of high school I really started to get to know him and spend time with him. I'm 29 now, and I'm very happy that I have a great relationship with my dad. My dad's not a great man, but he's a damn good man. He loves a lot of the same things that I do, we spend time on Friday nights and Saturdays watching movies and always have lunch on Saturdays and both of us enjoy zombie and horror flicks.

As much as I appreciate and love my mother, because no matter how poor her decisions were she always tried to do what she thought was right for me, I've never been able to forgive her for not letting me get to know and spend time with my father from around age 7 - 15. There was so many things that I missed out on with my dad because I didn't have a say in having a relationship with him or not. The courts, and my mother, had made their decisions. Dad doesn't talk about it with me now, he and I are both content with the great relationship we have now, but I know from knowing him how badly it hurt him not to be a true dad to me until I was older.

This is something that will always be with me. I hope to meet a great gal one day and to become married. I want to be a father one day. More than being a father, I want to be a good dad one day (there's a BIG difference). But, it terrifies me to know that if one day I was to become married and have children and all the sudden she decides on a divorce, well, chances are I'll also be relegated by court-bias as well, and perhaps I won't be able to have a real relationship with children I may someday have as well. And, that does scare me.

Anyway, this has been a pretty personal post I know, but thank you Mike for bringing up and broaching this subject, it actually feels good to put it out there -- especially with all the other men here who I'm sure can understand / have experienced it from both sides (as children and as fathers as well).

j.p.

[Danny]

When i was 5 i was taken by my mom to one of those days out to a school to try and sell the parents on you enrolling your kid there, my dad was gone by the time we got back.
Turn's out whilst we were out his mom, the grandmother ive never met, had him committed to the local, now demolished, insane asylum. From what i gather his family all live out on this farm on the edge of his home town and the mom, my grandmother i have yet to meet, sort of runs the family like something out of texas chainsaw, my mom tried to get my dad away from what, in her words was "an oppressive and controlling environment" but ol'grandma hodson convinced him she was dying, she wasn't.
-Anyway, i was just going into school at the time so barely remember any of this, i just remember one day where i was home telling my mom that my work in art class as put in some show in the city and she's crying because he's left her, i shit you not, a lakers jersey, a create of tins of baked beans and a letter about how "mother needs me".
So she has enough after like 7 years of this by then and files for divorce, she gets sole custody because he never even showed for a hearing.
I only heard from him once again, i was trying to make a family tree for my grandad on genes reunited to help him find out about the jewish side of his family from finland and i get a message from him.
I never replied, i have one memory of him, aside form that the guy is nonexistent really, i dont bear any ill will to him, but ive never needed him and i dont want anything to do with him. Again not because im angry or something, the mans a stranger.

[SymphonicX]

I would say my dad is "deadbeat"...going by the attributes given to such a label in this thread - I'd say he doesn't qualify as dead beat by conventional standards...

But that certainly doesn't draw a line under the sham that is my father!
This is kinda personal, slightly embarassing - but I'm sure you lot aren't lining up to use this as ammunition to slate me later on so I'll carry on.

Ahh...where do I start? My dad...he's not quite all there...seriously...This is a man who would throw a tantrum in a shop/hospital etc etc...not a shouting and walking away tantrum, a throwing his arms and legs in the air, screaming, crying and throwing things around the room tantrum....in public.

This is a dad who told me at age 12 that "you should have died like the other two" (in reference to two children my mum lost before I was born). The same person who told someone who was terminally ill with cancer "well, it can't be as bad as my ear infection" (let me reiterate: terminal cancer). To his face.

He's an incredibly selfish man who admits to deliberately sabotaging social situations so people won't talk to my mother in public, openly states that he doesn't want her to socialise with anyone else "because I get lonely".

One of the greatest examples comes from last month, this is indicative of his mentality: I drove up to see mum on her bday with a mate of mine, who she hadn't seen in about 10 years. When we left, we said our goodbyes and my mum gave my friend a goodbye hug...we pull off in the car and apparently he said to my mum "you shouldnt have done that you know" - she asks "what? why" - he replies "hug Peter like that, Trev will think you don't love him anymore"....

This, coming from a 63 year old man. Talking about a 28 year old man.

So I start to add up all his personality traits: an obsession with technology, in particular aviation, NO social skills whatsoever, an intensely selfish attitude combined with a 10 year old's outlook on life which extends to hating anyone of different creed, or sexuality, NO ability whatsoever to empathise or show understanding, or step outside himself "hitler had the right idea, he wanted everyone to be equal" (I shit you not, he said that).

Basically he's got some form of aspergers, or ADHD, or a learning difficulty. There's no way in hell a 63 year old man throws a baby-like tantrum in a shop because his pocket camera won't work, and is at the same time a fully functioning adult man. There is NO way on hell he would say to my mum over and over, as she's facing a hysterectomy, "are you sure this isn't as bad as my ear infection" - if he was a fully functioning adult.

This is the same man, that when facing a small dispute with the neighbours, choose to stand outside their front window flexing his "muscles" and spitting on the floor in anger.

Rather than just talking to them...

So my childhood was fucking awful, my mum didn't have much ability to understand what was going on, and turned to drink - he chose to copy her and went down the same route, que ten years of fighting and squabbling until I said "fuck you all" and moved out. The trouble with my family is they come from a stock that has never had the opportunity to look back on their actions and realise what they're doing wrong. They just exist on this plain of "now". This meant that growing up was like being raised by a bunch of arguing 10 year olds. Complete with fist fighting and everything.

Trouble is I've come to realise I can't blame my dad for anything - he just doesn't understand, literally, doesn't compute information about other people's feelings. It's like teaching a 2 year old advanced algebra - it just doesn't go in. Nowadays, most people treat him very cautiously and as though he's a child, which is the only language he understands...literally you have to pat him on the back otherwise he'll basically start crying.

Nightmare!

[capncnut]

My Father impregnated my Mother when she was 19. He split when I was 1 year old.
We have a lot in common.

I remember one time I was at a friends house when I was about ten or so. He had nicked 50p or something stupid from his mum's purse and had bought some sweets with it. It wasn't right but the amount of money wasn't big. His dad suddenly burst through the door like a tank and just beat the shit out of him! I remember my friend was curled in a ball on the bed, crying, and the dad was just raining blows down of his back, pure rage, biting his tongue.

When the dad had finished dishing out the abuse, he turned to the door and winked at me with a smile before he left. "All right, Brett." I was really shell-shocked by it.

[ProfessorChaos]

thanks for sharing some of that stuff, guys. even though i've got a great father whom i love very much, it is easy to forget how lucky you are sometimes. there was a time when ol' dad and i didn't agree on many things, mainly due to my youthful arrogance. nothing too serious, and overall we've had an amazing relationship, particularly since i left for the military and did a shit-load of growing and maturing as a young man.

i did want to chime in, however, and share that my father wasn't quite as lucky as me in the "dear old dad" department....his father was a bit of a drifter and a total cheater. he met my grandmother and had an affair with her while he was married to some other lady across the country (my grandma was unaware of this little fact). he got my grandma pregnant and completely bailed on her, even with the knowledge that she was carrying his child. he never bothered calling, writing, or visiting my father or grandmother....so my poor dad never even got to meet his biological father (which may have been for the better, but it surely affected him greatly as a youth), was never told anything about him, and never even knew his name till after he died a few years back. his stance on the matter is "fuck him, why should i care/worry about him if he never did the same for me?"

given how shitty of a hand my old man was dealt, i'm more than proud to call him my father and love him immensely for being a normal working-class family man who raised five great kids. all of my siblings and i have either completed or are currently enrolled in college, two are married (one has a kid, so dad's been promoted to grandpa now), one is recently engaged, and the other two of us are in happy, healthy, and stable relationships.

again, not bragging or anything, just very grateful for my father and what he's done throughout his life for my family. thanks for sharing your unfortunate stories and helping to put things in perspective for some of us luckier fellas.

[MikePizzoff]

again, not bragging or anything, just very grateful for my father and what he's done throughout his life for my family.

Completely understandable, dude. I'm jealous of people with 2 great parents. Not really jealous for myself... but jealous because my Mother has never had a partner that actually cared for her or me/my siblings. However, once I was old enough to realize how much of a prick my Father was, it made me appreciate everything my Mother did 20x more.

[mista_mo]

Well, the way I look at it, I have had 2 fathers in my life. My step dad (whom I thought was my real dad until I was 12 or so) and my actual dad, whom I met when I was 12. My step dad was good to me. He'd praise me when I did a good job, put me in line when I acted like a fuck head, and just generally did the dad thing. However, he and my mom would fight a lot...pretty much every night actually. It would usually consist of throwing things at each other, screaming, swearing, and 70% of the time, he would hit her. He would just punch her in the face, slap her all over her body, and just beat the living hell out of her, right in front of me, my brother, and my sister. Most of my memories from that time involve my siblings taking me over to the neighbours house while my parents fought, and watching as the police would come to try and settle the dispute. I would often wake up in the middle of the night as they were fighting, screaming at each other. All I really did was lay in bed, hold onto our dog and just cry. What else could I do? Let me tell you, that stuff stays with you. I don't think a day goes by where I don't have some memory of all of that stuff. Being that young and watching the person that you look up too smash and beat the most important women in your life really affects you.

He even saw me crying one time because of it and told me to shut the fuck up and then threw an ashtray at my mother. when I was 12, my mom saw fit to introduce me to my actual dad, which was scary as hell for me. I've always had a hard time trusting older men because of all that stuff, and this was no different. He was however very different. he was boisterous, and he was incredibly excited to meet me. We became pretty close after that, and me and my mom moved in with him. Things deteriorated a few years after that, and he and my mom would start to argue, yelling and screaming at each other all of the time. It was around this time that we moved out and got our own place, and we always barely had enough money to get buy. After that, they reconciled a bit, and became friends, choosing to live apart, but he would visit pretty much every day. We were never really close after that however, and as I became older, we gradually drifted apart, to the point where we barely talked to each other. He moved away 3 years ago or so, and I haven't talked to him sense, which really does suck, to put it mildly. I am his only child, and I genuinely care for him, but I've never really said it, and I don't think I will ever get the chance.

I wouldn't call him a deadbeat, as he treated me very good, and taught me a lot. I also can't call him a great father though, which is partly my chance as I never really gave him the chance to be. also add in the fact that we never met until I was 12 and yea. If you're wondering, yes, my mom cheated on my step dad with my real dad and had me.

[MikePizzoff]

Mo, that's terrible. I know what you went through, though. I had to listen to my Mother and Father fight a lot. When my siblings were first born and I was still living at home, it would really get to me because I didn't want them to grow up seeing such negative activity (90% of it coming from my Father). A few times I got so enraged that I screamed "SHUT THE FUCK UP" at him. Big mistake. He would kick my door in, get in my face, and threaten me "I'll give you one good shot, but you better make it fucking count cause I'll kick your pussy ass". This would be very scary, considering the dude's 6'3 and like 230 lbs. On top of that, he's told me stories of him beating people within inches of their lives and possibly even killing them on a couple occasions (he was unsure as he left them unconscious in random fields... don't ask).