rightwing401
14-Feb-2010, 10:10 PM
So I'm working on a new novel, a non-zombie one, but still horror. I've got this part that essentially starts the chain reaction of things that happen to the main character and I'd like to get some feed back on how well it works.
**
She finished typing up the last of the information as clock switched to noon. Just as she clicked the mouse on the print icon, the door to the office swung open. Samantha looked up from the top of her computer to see a roughly middle aged man step into the office. He only looked old in the small set of wrinkles centered around the corners of his eyes and mouth. Professionally tanned skin was visible from the parts of him that weren’t covered in a very crisp suit that looked to easily be worth thousands of dollars, yet the bulk of his body made it seem as if the suit was on the verge of ripping under strain from his bulging muscles.
He had ink black hair that was cut perfectly into a fashionable style for a man of obvious extreme wealth and position. And light brown eyes that seemed as if they could peer through stone.
Samantha felt herself suddenly become painfully aware of her position as a lowly secretary in the presence of this mysterious man.
The stranger looked slowly around the room, as if he were taking in every little detail that there was to be seen within the confines of the small space. After what felt like several minutes, his powerful eyes fixed upon Samantha. For just a moment, their eyes locked dead on.
Samantha felt a great shudder spring forth from within her and a chill roll up her spine under the man’s unnatural gaze. It was as if one massive wave of unexplainable energy had crashed down on her. She couldn’t think, or barely breathe, under the immense grip that had ensnared her.
Every possible feeling that a person could experience in a life was compacted to a few brief moments of their ocular connection.
Samantha blinked, and everything was gone. The room, and herself, had returned completely to normal. She shook her head slightly, as if she were waking from a dream.
It had been a dream, she assured herself. The piercing into her soul from the man’s eyes had to be a dream. It was only then that she was aware that he has spoken to her.
“I’m sorry, sir? What did you say?” Samantha asked, felling very stupid for just asking a simple question.
“I said that I am Mr. Morton Draconious. I have a noon appointment with your boss. I trust that he is in.”
Samantha blinked again. This time she stared long and hard at Mr. Draconious, as if she were looking at melting painting. Everything, every last ounce of dreadful feelings and fears had vanished completely. Now he just looked like a man in his mid fifties that appeared to be far more handsome than his years should have merited.
“Yes?” he asked, clearly sounding annoyed with Samantha’s lack of attention to her job.
“So…sorry sir.” she whispered, casting her eyes down at the surface of the table. “I’ll let him know that you’re here.”
She heard him grumble something under his breath about incompetence, but she chose to ignore it. Samantha feared if she said anything that upset this man any further, she would be in danger of losing her job. When her boss opened the door and invited Mr. Draconious in, Samantha held her breath until he was out of the room and the door shut to sigh with relief.
No sooner had she slumped into her chair, feeling a great weight fall from her shoulders, the front door swung open. Not expecting any other appointments soon, Samantha sat up in her seat slightly to see who it was. Into the room swaggered a young man looking roughly her age. Samantha did a complete repeat of what she had done with Mr. Draconious, peering over the top of her computer at him.
Only this time, she was almost knocked out of her chair at the sight of him.
If this new arrival wasn’t related in some way to Mr. Draconious, Samantha would seriously consider eating the mouse to her computer.
He had the exact same ink black hair, with a face that looked very similar to that of Draconious. She noticed the strong but not protruding chin, with thick cheekbones that formed a solid structure to the strange smoothness of his face. Only his looks were amazingly handsome, vibrant and fresh, devoid of the slightest wearing of age. It was very easy to picture the young man’s face on the front cover of a fashion magazine.
It only took Samantha a single glance to realize that he was an equally built young man in comparison to his looks. He also dressed in a way that clearly suggested that he was very aware how attractive his looks were. A white, skin tight muscle t-shirt under an unbuttoned long sleeved black cotton one clearly showed off his solid six pack abdomen and shapely chest muscles. A pair of blue jeans wrapped tightly around his strong looking legs, giving a desirable amount of curves for anyone interested to see.
For lack of a better perspective, she felt as if she were looking at an old Renaissance statue remolded into flesh.
His face turned slowly to Samantha, and she nearly froze when he fixed his ocean blue eyes upon her. The thin lips resting under a small but well defined nose curved upwards into a smile.
“Well, well, well.” he spoke slowly in a cooing voice, flashing just a faint image of perfectly white teeth to Samantha. “I certainly was not expecting this.”
-- -------- Post added at 06:10 PM ---------- Previous post was at 06:06 PM ----------
And here's were the really weird stuff starts happening.
**
The voice that poured forth from his lips was simply phenomenal. His words were very fluent, evidence of a pristine education, yet Samantha could easily detect the traces of an accent he had never heard before. If anything, it made him appear even more attractive.
Samantha felt a knot turn inside her as the near physical interpretation of a god slowly strolled over to her desk. The closer he drew, the hotter Samantha felt her face become. Before she knew it, he was standing over her desk, peering down at her. With such a stunning figure less than three feet away from her, she quickly stared down at her keyboard, to afraid to look at him for fear of being awestruck.
Samantha’s mind was reeling, and she didn’t know why. She had seen good looking men before, but this was something different. There was something about him, a charm unlike anything she had ever experienced, that drew her to him. Samantha didn’t know if she should be completely baffled, or exhilarated by the near static attraction she was getting from this complete stranger.
“You need not fear me.”
His voice was so amazingly sweet that it was nearly hypnotic to Samantha’s ears. She looked up at him almost as if his words were a command. He flashed his perfect smile to her again, and Samantha could have sworn that she would melt in her chair. She stared at his teeth, far too afraid to look into his endless eyes for fear that she would fall into them forever.
“That is better.” he said with a deep coo.
He swung his leg up in an elegant motion and rested on the edge of the desk. Turning towards Samantha, he leaned in a way for her to clearly see the goods that his upper body offered to the eye. Samantha caught him working his eyes over her, the way she would expect any man to. Yet, strangely, she found herself in a desperate want to have him look at her like that, to have him drawn in to her by everything that her body had to offer.
“Amazing.” he whispered, bringing his eyes back up to her face. “You are the vision of a goddess. If only Aphrodite could be so fortunate.”
“I…I…” Samantha stuttered, her words stumbling over each other as she tried to answer.
Whether from kindness or carelessness, he didn’t seem to respond to Samantha’s bubbling incoherent words.
“Allow me to introduce myself.” he spoke in a soft and nurturing tone as he puffed his chest out slightly. “I am Devion Draconious. I am the nephew of the man that just came in. And who, may I ask, are you?”
“I’m…I’m…Samantha.”
His smile flashed again, causing Samantha’s heart to flutter.
Devion reached across the table, resting his hand just inches away from hers. Samantha felt immense tension spark from her fingertips to her wrists. It was like a static field had sprung up between her flesh and Devion’s. Samantha found herself entrapped in the force, and doubted that she would have pulled her hand back even if she could have. No matter what she tried to force her mind to do, her eyes kept glancing down at his hand.
Devion, apparently well aware of Samantha’s state, stretched his smile a little wider.
“Such lovely skin.” he whispered, tracing a finger around the edges of Samantha’s hand. “Shinning like freshly woven silk.”
Samantha swallowed hard to keep herself from choking as she watched the finger weave its way just beyond the touch of her skin. All the hairs along her hand stood on end from the static.
“Your captivating hair, like fire and sunlight, a divine blend of colors.”
Samantha’s face was burning from Devion’s words. Never had a man had such a profound effect on her. And for the life of her, she didn’t know why. But under his sway, she didn’t dare to think anymore.
“And eyes…”
Samantha looked up from the desk at Devion as if an invisible hand had forced her chin up. There was simply no refusing his words, even if he hadn’t asked anything of her. She locked eyes with him, and felt as if the computer, the office, her worries, her entire life had faded away. All that mattered was the single moment she was experiencing, falling into Devion’s dark blue eyes with no hope or desire of ever returning.
Devion gave her a boyish grin. “Perfectly peaceful like the sky on a cloudless day.”
As he spoke, Devion rested his hand upon Samantha’s. What happened next was unlike anything that she had ever experienced.
In the single instant of minute contact between their bodies, Samantha felt as if her mind had exploded. Whole lifetimes flashed across her eyes faster than comprehension, yet she felt a familiarity and understanding of them as if she had lived each herself. The brutal pain of death, the burning fires of anger, and the darkest depths of an unbridled hatred were experienced a multitude beyond anything she had ever comprehended. It was maddening, it was crushing, and worst of all, it was inescapable.
Through the confusion of the swirling mass, Samantha became aware of one profound truth. All of it, every last twitch and breath, originated to a single incident.
A single night.
One that she knew like the most intimate details of her own life, yet one that she had never lived.
**
She finished typing up the last of the information as clock switched to noon. Just as she clicked the mouse on the print icon, the door to the office swung open. Samantha looked up from the top of her computer to see a roughly middle aged man step into the office. He only looked old in the small set of wrinkles centered around the corners of his eyes and mouth. Professionally tanned skin was visible from the parts of him that weren’t covered in a very crisp suit that looked to easily be worth thousands of dollars, yet the bulk of his body made it seem as if the suit was on the verge of ripping under strain from his bulging muscles.
He had ink black hair that was cut perfectly into a fashionable style for a man of obvious extreme wealth and position. And light brown eyes that seemed as if they could peer through stone.
Samantha felt herself suddenly become painfully aware of her position as a lowly secretary in the presence of this mysterious man.
The stranger looked slowly around the room, as if he were taking in every little detail that there was to be seen within the confines of the small space. After what felt like several minutes, his powerful eyes fixed upon Samantha. For just a moment, their eyes locked dead on.
Samantha felt a great shudder spring forth from within her and a chill roll up her spine under the man’s unnatural gaze. It was as if one massive wave of unexplainable energy had crashed down on her. She couldn’t think, or barely breathe, under the immense grip that had ensnared her.
Every possible feeling that a person could experience in a life was compacted to a few brief moments of their ocular connection.
Samantha blinked, and everything was gone. The room, and herself, had returned completely to normal. She shook her head slightly, as if she were waking from a dream.
It had been a dream, she assured herself. The piercing into her soul from the man’s eyes had to be a dream. It was only then that she was aware that he has spoken to her.
“I’m sorry, sir? What did you say?” Samantha asked, felling very stupid for just asking a simple question.
“I said that I am Mr. Morton Draconious. I have a noon appointment with your boss. I trust that he is in.”
Samantha blinked again. This time she stared long and hard at Mr. Draconious, as if she were looking at melting painting. Everything, every last ounce of dreadful feelings and fears had vanished completely. Now he just looked like a man in his mid fifties that appeared to be far more handsome than his years should have merited.
“Yes?” he asked, clearly sounding annoyed with Samantha’s lack of attention to her job.
“So…sorry sir.” she whispered, casting her eyes down at the surface of the table. “I’ll let him know that you’re here.”
She heard him grumble something under his breath about incompetence, but she chose to ignore it. Samantha feared if she said anything that upset this man any further, she would be in danger of losing her job. When her boss opened the door and invited Mr. Draconious in, Samantha held her breath until he was out of the room and the door shut to sigh with relief.
No sooner had she slumped into her chair, feeling a great weight fall from her shoulders, the front door swung open. Not expecting any other appointments soon, Samantha sat up in her seat slightly to see who it was. Into the room swaggered a young man looking roughly her age. Samantha did a complete repeat of what she had done with Mr. Draconious, peering over the top of her computer at him.
Only this time, she was almost knocked out of her chair at the sight of him.
If this new arrival wasn’t related in some way to Mr. Draconious, Samantha would seriously consider eating the mouse to her computer.
He had the exact same ink black hair, with a face that looked very similar to that of Draconious. She noticed the strong but not protruding chin, with thick cheekbones that formed a solid structure to the strange smoothness of his face. Only his looks were amazingly handsome, vibrant and fresh, devoid of the slightest wearing of age. It was very easy to picture the young man’s face on the front cover of a fashion magazine.
It only took Samantha a single glance to realize that he was an equally built young man in comparison to his looks. He also dressed in a way that clearly suggested that he was very aware how attractive his looks were. A white, skin tight muscle t-shirt under an unbuttoned long sleeved black cotton one clearly showed off his solid six pack abdomen and shapely chest muscles. A pair of blue jeans wrapped tightly around his strong looking legs, giving a desirable amount of curves for anyone interested to see.
For lack of a better perspective, she felt as if she were looking at an old Renaissance statue remolded into flesh.
His face turned slowly to Samantha, and she nearly froze when he fixed his ocean blue eyes upon her. The thin lips resting under a small but well defined nose curved upwards into a smile.
“Well, well, well.” he spoke slowly in a cooing voice, flashing just a faint image of perfectly white teeth to Samantha. “I certainly was not expecting this.”
-- -------- Post added at 06:10 PM ---------- Previous post was at 06:06 PM ----------
And here's were the really weird stuff starts happening.
**
The voice that poured forth from his lips was simply phenomenal. His words were very fluent, evidence of a pristine education, yet Samantha could easily detect the traces of an accent he had never heard before. If anything, it made him appear even more attractive.
Samantha felt a knot turn inside her as the near physical interpretation of a god slowly strolled over to her desk. The closer he drew, the hotter Samantha felt her face become. Before she knew it, he was standing over her desk, peering down at her. With such a stunning figure less than three feet away from her, she quickly stared down at her keyboard, to afraid to look at him for fear of being awestruck.
Samantha’s mind was reeling, and she didn’t know why. She had seen good looking men before, but this was something different. There was something about him, a charm unlike anything she had ever experienced, that drew her to him. Samantha didn’t know if she should be completely baffled, or exhilarated by the near static attraction she was getting from this complete stranger.
“You need not fear me.”
His voice was so amazingly sweet that it was nearly hypnotic to Samantha’s ears. She looked up at him almost as if his words were a command. He flashed his perfect smile to her again, and Samantha could have sworn that she would melt in her chair. She stared at his teeth, far too afraid to look into his endless eyes for fear that she would fall into them forever.
“That is better.” he said with a deep coo.
He swung his leg up in an elegant motion and rested on the edge of the desk. Turning towards Samantha, he leaned in a way for her to clearly see the goods that his upper body offered to the eye. Samantha caught him working his eyes over her, the way she would expect any man to. Yet, strangely, she found herself in a desperate want to have him look at her like that, to have him drawn in to her by everything that her body had to offer.
“Amazing.” he whispered, bringing his eyes back up to her face. “You are the vision of a goddess. If only Aphrodite could be so fortunate.”
“I…I…” Samantha stuttered, her words stumbling over each other as she tried to answer.
Whether from kindness or carelessness, he didn’t seem to respond to Samantha’s bubbling incoherent words.
“Allow me to introduce myself.” he spoke in a soft and nurturing tone as he puffed his chest out slightly. “I am Devion Draconious. I am the nephew of the man that just came in. And who, may I ask, are you?”
“I’m…I’m…Samantha.”
His smile flashed again, causing Samantha’s heart to flutter.
Devion reached across the table, resting his hand just inches away from hers. Samantha felt immense tension spark from her fingertips to her wrists. It was like a static field had sprung up between her flesh and Devion’s. Samantha found herself entrapped in the force, and doubted that she would have pulled her hand back even if she could have. No matter what she tried to force her mind to do, her eyes kept glancing down at his hand.
Devion, apparently well aware of Samantha’s state, stretched his smile a little wider.
“Such lovely skin.” he whispered, tracing a finger around the edges of Samantha’s hand. “Shinning like freshly woven silk.”
Samantha swallowed hard to keep herself from choking as she watched the finger weave its way just beyond the touch of her skin. All the hairs along her hand stood on end from the static.
“Your captivating hair, like fire and sunlight, a divine blend of colors.”
Samantha’s face was burning from Devion’s words. Never had a man had such a profound effect on her. And for the life of her, she didn’t know why. But under his sway, she didn’t dare to think anymore.
“And eyes…”
Samantha looked up from the desk at Devion as if an invisible hand had forced her chin up. There was simply no refusing his words, even if he hadn’t asked anything of her. She locked eyes with him, and felt as if the computer, the office, her worries, her entire life had faded away. All that mattered was the single moment she was experiencing, falling into Devion’s dark blue eyes with no hope or desire of ever returning.
Devion gave her a boyish grin. “Perfectly peaceful like the sky on a cloudless day.”
As he spoke, Devion rested his hand upon Samantha’s. What happened next was unlike anything that she had ever experienced.
In the single instant of minute contact between their bodies, Samantha felt as if her mind had exploded. Whole lifetimes flashed across her eyes faster than comprehension, yet she felt a familiarity and understanding of them as if she had lived each herself. The brutal pain of death, the burning fires of anger, and the darkest depths of an unbridled hatred were experienced a multitude beyond anything she had ever comprehended. It was maddening, it was crushing, and worst of all, it was inescapable.
Through the confusion of the swirling mass, Samantha became aware of one profound truth. All of it, every last twitch and breath, originated to a single incident.
A single night.
One that she knew like the most intimate details of her own life, yet one that she had never lived.