a short poem I wrote....

[mista_mo]

I dunno if this should be in the dead disscussion or fiction so I will just put it here..I like this one, but some may not here. feed back would be appreciated.


Watching the moon crest the gray clouds
Like a vulture towering over the corpse mound
A cascade of sounds breaks the silence
The crunching and gnawing of flesh being torn apart
Ripping and tearing, chewing and eating
The dead are up and feeding
The moans are so loud and terrible
To live in this time is simply unbearable
Landscape littered with wrecks and bodies
Everywhere the corpses are riddled
All we did was look on and fiddle
We lost it all, barely a thing remains
Except the dead with blood in their veins
Every time you go outside you could die
No one is around to ask why
One bullet and it'll all go away
You'll never relive the day
Put one in your brain
You'll experience no more pain

[Graebel]

I'm not much of a poetry fan but you've got the imagery down. It felt kind of stream of conscious and a little rushed. Like you could have made it longer.

Okay, that sounds all harsh. Eek. I really liked your description and the way you phrased some of the things going on.

[Exatreides]

I particulary don't like the rythming scheme(I think it would have made a beautiful sonnet) the overall feeling of the poem is strong and I like it.

[MapMan]

I liked it. Good job.

[bassman]

Seek help, immediately.

;)

Just joshing around.....it's good. Now put it over some music and you've got a cool song about the dead:p

[mista_mo]

heh, thanks a bunch guys, it took alot to put it on here. I Tend think that I'm not too good at writing, so I'm not too open about any of the stuff I write down. Thanks for the feedback, and I hope more keeps on coming..

and I write this stuff to vent and relieve stress...going through a hell of a rough depression right now, and I have about 32 poems written down...no more about zombies tho.

I think thats all that the poem needs (length and content wise) personally, I mean, I could add on, but then it could drag on alot. I think it gets the point across as it is now, and probibly won't change it at all...mayhaps I shall write anouther one eh?

again, thanks for the feedback.

[AcesandEights]

I do like it a lot. The first half of it reminds me of a something I'd see (the imagery, not the verse styling) were to look upon a gaggle of feasting ghouls a la Lovecraft style.

[Debbie]

I like it the first two lines grab you, pretty cool .