Go ahead, tell a joke (but make it a good one)... [Explicit]

[LouCipherr]

I need something to cheer me up (it's not Friday, after all), so let's lighten it up a bit...




A scruffy looking man with tattoos walks into a bank and up to the counter. He's greeted by a female teller who says, "Can I help you sir?"

"Yes," says the man, "I'd like to open a fucking checking account"

Shocked, the woman says "Excuse me, sir?"

"I'd like to open a fucking checking account" repeats the man.

Flustered, the woman teller says "I'm sorry sir, this is a place of business and that kind of language will not be tolerated. You'll have to speak with my manager."

She wanders off and returns a minute later with the manager in tow.

The manager says, "How may I help you sir?"

The man says, "Look I just won the lottery and have 20 million dollars - I want to open a fucking checking account!"

A smile comes over the managers face and he says...

"And this cunt to my left won't help you?"

:D

____________________

Little Johnny: “Daddy, I have to write a special report for school, but I don’t know what Politics is.”

Father: “Well, let’s take our home as an example. I am the bread-winner, so let’s call me Capitalism. Your Mom is the administrator of money, so we’ll call her Government. We take care of your need, so let’s call you The People. We’ll call the maid the Working Class and your brother we can call The Future. Do you understand Johnny?”

Little Johnny: “I’m not really sure, Dad. I’ll have to think about it.”

That night awakened by his brother’s crying, Little Johnny went to see what was wrong. Discovering that the baby had seriously soiled his diaper, Little Johnny went to his parents’ room and found his mother sound asleep. He went to the maid’s room, where, peeking through the keyhole, he saw his father in bed with the maid. Little Johnny’s knocking went totally unheeded by his father and the maid, so Little Johnny returned to his room and went back to sleep. The next morning he reported to his father.

Little Johnny: “Dad, now I think I understand what Politics is.”

Father: “Good Johnny! Can you explain it to me in your own words?”

Little Johnny: “Well Dad, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, Government is sound asleep, the People are being completely ignored and the Future is full of Shit.”

[Mr. Clean]

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

Kathy said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when we hit a bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess"


"And what's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.


"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"


"Very good," said the teacher. "Now, Lucy?"


"Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks. And the moral to this story is, don't count your chickens until they're hatched."


"That was a fine story Lucy. Johnny do you have a story to share?"


"Yes, ma'am, my daddy told me this story about my Uncle Bob. Uncle Bob was a Green Beret in Vietnam and his helicopter got hit. He had to crash land in enemy territory and all he had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete. He drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then he landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. He killed seventy of them with the machine gun until he ran out of bullets, then he killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke and then he killed the last ten with his bare hands."


"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, " What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"


"Don't fuck with Uncle Bob when he's been drinking."

[LouCipherr]

:lol:

Good one, Mr. Clean!



A man gets REALLY dunk at a bar and decides he needs to head to the bathroom to take a piss.. Instead of going into the bathroom, he wanders into a dark back room filled with explosives.

He whips out his dick, starts to take a piss and decides he wants a cigarette, so he lights a match...

>BOOM<

The bar owner come running into the room to see what happened and sees the man on the floor, babbling to himself, "Where's my hand...? where's my hand?!"

"Christ! No time to worry about your hand" the bar owner says, "your legs are missing, we have to get you to the hospital!!" and off the went to the hospital.

A short while later in the hospital, the man is still carrying on.. "Where's my hand? WHERE IS MY HAND?!"

A doctor in the room says "Sir, you're missing your legs and your bleeding uncontrollably, why are you so worried about your hand?"

The man screams at the doctor, "BECAUSE MY DICK WAS IN IT!!!!"

[MoonSylver]

"Don't fuck with Uncle Bob when he's been drinking."

:lol: :thumbsup:

A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work, not aware that 9 year old son was hiding in the closet to see what they were doing. Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet. So now the boy has company.

"Dark in here." the boys says. "Yes it is." the man replies. "I have a baseball." the boys says. "That's nice." the man replies. The boy asks "Want to buy it?" "No, thanks." the man awnsers. "My dad's outside." the boys says. "OK, how much?" the man asks. "$250." the boy replies.

In the next few weeks, it happens again. Once again the man is forced to hide, & the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together.

Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball glove."
Man: "That's nice."
Boy: "Want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: "I'll tell."
Man: "How much?"
Boy: "$750."
Man: "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball!" The boy says, "I can't. I sold them." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?" The son says, "$1,000." The father says, "That's terrible to over-charge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."

They go to church and the father alerts the priest and makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that shit again."

:D

[LouCipherr]

"Don't start that shit again."

HAH!!! :lol: :lol: :lol:



This beautiful girl went to her doctor complaining about pain in all her joints.

The Doctor went through a whole series of tests and couldn't find anything wrong with her. After he had explained this to her he said: "There has to be something else, have you recently changed anything in your lifestyle"?

She said, "Well, the only thing I know of is that I started making love Doggie Style, could that be causing it"?

The Doctor said, "Maybe, why don’t you stop it and see if you improve"?

She said, "I can’t stop, that’s the only way my dog knows how to fuck".

:shifty:

[MoonSylver]

She said, "I can’t stop, that’s the only way my dog knows how to fuck".

:shifty:

:eek:...You don't have her number by any chance, do you? :lol:



A Blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom.

She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree.

She then wrote a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground if you want him back. Signed, The Blonde."

The Blonde then gave the note to the kid & said "Now you run straight home and give this to your mom."

The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree.

The blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "Here's your money. Please don't hurt my son. How could you do this? Signed. One Blonde to Another".

;)

[LouCipherr]

:eek:...You don't have her number by any chance, do you? :lol:

I do, but I'll be goddamned if I'm giving it to you, pal!

:lol: :lol: :lol:


So Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her Fairy Godmother doesn't want her to go. After a few minutes of arguing, the Fairy godmother tell she, "Ok, fine. You can go, but... on two conditions!"

"Anything, " says Cinderella, "anything!"

"Okay, the first condition is you must to wear a diaphram so you don't get pregnant. The second condition is, you have to be back by 2:00 AM or else your diaphram will turn into a pumpkin," says the fairy godmother.

So Cinderella agrees and goes to the ball. The fairy godmother waits and waits. 2:00AM, 3:00AM, 4:00, 5:00... and Cinderella's still not back.

Finally, at 6am, Cinderella finally shows up and the fairy godmother is astonished as to Cinderella's appearence... no pumpkin!

The godmother demands Cinderella tell her who she was with for she had no idea of any man with such power.

Cinderella replies, "Peter, Peter something or other.....?"

[shootemindehead]

Ummm...I may be too drunk by this stage, but I'm gettng the Cinders joke Lou.

[MoonSylver]

Ummm...I may be too drunk by this stage, but I'm gettng the Cinders joke Lou.

http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/5/5e/Peter_Peter_Pumpkin_Eater_1_-_WW_Denslow_-_Project_Gutenberg_etext_18546.jpg/200px-Peter_Peter_Pumpkin_Eater_1_-_WW_Denslow_-_Project_Gutenberg_etext_18546.jpg

:rockbrow: ;)

[shootemindehead]

Ah, right.

Never heard of him.

[MoonSylver]

There was a blonde a redhead and a brunette. They all decided to rob a bank.

Afterward they're making their getaway when they're chased by the cops.

While trying to escape them they see this barn. They go inside and the redhead notices 3 potato sacks on the floor.

See tells the girls to each hide in a potato sack. Then the police arrive in the barn, and decide to look around.

They go into the barn and look everywhere. One cop says "They might be in those potato sacks". So he kicks the first one containing the redhead and hears "woof woof". "That's a dog" he thinks to himself.

He kicks the second bag containing the brunette and hears "Meow, meow" "Well that must be a cat" he thinks.

Finally, he kicks the last bag containing the blonde and hears in a small voice "po...ta...to...es!"

[LouCipherr]

A guy walks into a bar with an alligator. It's about 10 feet long.

The bartender flips out and says, "Hey buddy, you gotta get that son of a bitch outta here! It's going to bite one of my customers and I'm going to get sued!"

The guy says, "No no no, it's a tame alligator. I'll prove it to you."

He picks up the alligator and puts it on the bar. Then he unzips his pants, pulls out his package and sticks it in the alligator's mouth. The alligator just keeps his mouth open. After about 5 minutes, he pulls it out of the alligator's mouth and zips up his pants and says, "See, I told you it was a tame alligator. Anybody else want to try it?"

The drunk down at the end of the bar says, "Yah, I'd like to try it but I don't think I can hold my mouth open that long!"

[shootemindehead]

:lol:

[Mike70]

What's about 6 feet tall and made out of oak but can talk?

Nic Cage.

[LouCipherr]

What's about 6 feet tall and made out of oak but can talk?

Nic Cage.

:sneaky:



A baby was born in the hospital and he weighed ten pounds. The odd thing about him was his body weighed five pounds and his balls weighed five pounds. All the nurses and even the doctor didn't know what to do with him.

The chief surgeon walked in and asked what was wrong. The head nurse replied, ''We don't know what to do with this baby.''

The chief surgeon took one look and said, "You should put him into a mental institution."

''Why?' asked the head nurse.

"Well," replied the chief surgeon, "take a look at him. The boy is obviously half nuts!"


Wakka wakka I'm here all week. :lol: