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View Full Version : Idea for a story that I am writing, Inc prequal and 1st chapter



Dommm
19-Jul-2006, 02:05 PM
Hello all, just trying to write a full story but I aint sure how it is going and am looking for some feedback, if any of you kind people would be willing to give it. Most of the inspiration for it comes from 28 days and notld (more 28 days) and the dotd remake (still favour the orignal though), well here goes

no title as of yet playing with a few though


Prologue

Charles walked through the automatic door. All the doors in this place had advanced technology that read access privileges from a chip entered into the skin of each researchers body, each chip was specifically designed so that the only the person with the correct genetic sequence can activate it, and then only get access to areas with the correct clearance. Charles was a short bald man with flaky skin, pot belly, IQ of 190 and zero personality, in fact the only two ways that he ever managed to pick up a girlfriend was a on an pre-paid nightly basis or one which was as lonely as him (a rare case).

Charles had been searched out by the MOD for his specialisation in Cell structure and genetic recoding; he was called in for a secret project to reanimate dead cells within a host. As he wandered around the lab shaking a test tube here or there and looking at the various charts showing progressing changes in each of these vials he remembered the day he had gotten a phone call at the small research facility he had worked at, previous to this position. The phone call had come one morning saying they would quadruple his salary if he came in on a project with them. Three short days later he had turned up to a briefing at a military base outlining that they wanted to create soldiers that could heal quickly on the field to the point that they could rapidly grow replacement limbs.

He was now in the process of combining this chemical to a genetically restructured version of the HIV that activates when the host is injured, thus healing them from almost any injury. So far he hadn’t managed to perfect it, as any person or animal that he injected with it went crazy after two or three hours attacking anyone coming near them. These creatures’ hearts stopped beating but brainwave activity continued, any attempt to harm them almost instantaneously healed, you could only stop them through destroying the brain, and this did not entirely work as if the brain was not substantially damaged they would rise again a short while later. The question he kept asking himself was there was no heartbeat therefore blood was not flowing so how did the healing occur.

As he was getting to the end of his checks he heard loud explosions from another area of the building, his eyes rapidly moving as fear debilitated him.


Uncertainties

Jeremy woke to the sound of Kiss fm on his radio, the sunlight streaming through a gap in the curtains across his eyes momentarily blinding him; he stretched his toes out as he swung his legs round laying his feet on hardwood floor. Grimacing at the fact that he had to wake up to go to work he flung the curtains open to the view of the high street outside his house, ‘at least it’s a nice summers day outside’, he thought to himself. As he reached for a towel he wandered if Susan would be at the Bus stop today, he had been dreaming about her since he had started college collage 6 years ago but had never even spoken to for the 2 years he was there. In-fact he had only started speaking to her after he met her at his most recent job as a cook at the local pizza shop, it turned out that she also had started working there with her dad a year so earlier, and they had become good friends since, but he still hadn’t worked up the guts to ask her out. They would often meet at the bus stop as she had rented a place just two minutes from his own decrepit rented flat. He walked down the hallway making his way to the bathroom, his feet rushing over the cold floorboard, he couldn’t believe how it could be such warm weather and yet the floor still so cold. As he climbed into the shower he glimpsed himself in the mirror, seeing his messy brown hair deep penetrating black eyes square cut jaw he still couldn’t see that Susan might just feel the same way about him.

Susan was sat in her living room not watching Judy, saying to Richard what she thought of the brash of assaults that had been sweeping London and the surrounding counties over night. Susan munched down on her toast dreaming that one day Jeremy would one day just grab hold of her and kiss her passionately before dragging her off to bed. She had first noticed him in college all those years ago and had always thought he was cute, albeit a bit shy. She had throughout her time at college tried to get his attention on many occasions with him running off just as it seemed he was about to talk to her. Susan had in the end given up when they finished college, but then about 4 months ago he had started working at her dads’ pizza parlour and this had renewed hope of an opportunity with him, especially as they had developed a strong friendship almost as soon as he had started working there. She had soon come to realise that he liked her in return but was just to shy to ask her out, she hoped he would get over this soon as she did not want to be the one to initiate the new level to the relationship. She finished her breakfast and slapped the power button on the television. She did not notice the words news flash jump across the screen as the TV went off. She wandered towards the door moving long shapely legs and well rounded rump hidden in a pair of jeans a small tight blouse that tightly hugged against her well rounded breast, she had a nice hourglass figure that seemed to challenge men as she walked all this with a pretty face, brown hair and brown eyes set on top, it was easy to see why Jeremy wanted her so bad.

Jeremy ran down the stairs leading out of his flats as he had just spied Susan walking past his flat out of his window, it had just past half past ten in the morning, so they would be just in time for the bus and hopefully for the 11 o clock shift start.

Susan Deliberately slowed down as she walked past Jeremy’s flat in the hopes that he wouldn’t have already left and would walk with her to the bus stop, ‘every moments meeting was the extra moments chance that he would ask her out’ she thought to her self as she heard the flat door slam. She smiled hoping that it would be him and not that twat from the floor above him that would come running out.

‘HEY SUSAN, HOLD UP GIRL’, Jeremy shouted as he ran up behind reaching out a hand to tap her shoulder.

‘Jay do you have to shout so hard’, she said laughingly ‘hurry up we gotta get to work u know how my dad hates tardiness’. So saying she gave him a brief embrace and turned and started walking to the end of the road and the bus stop.

---------

Sweetcorn, extra cheese, garlic sauce on a margarita base Jeremy read of the screen as he spun the base on his hand giving it that round shape to the pizza base expertly he slapped it on top the pan and spread the tomato sauce and the cheese evenly over the surface. He rested his hands on the flour covered worktop, as he felt a sudden squeeze of his ass; he blushed and turned round to a smiling Susan wearing her happy pizza gogo hat that even she couldn’t make look good.

“hay handsome, pizza the only thing you can cook or you have any other hidden talents”.

“W..Wh..Why don’t you come round tonight and I’ll see what I can do to impress you” Jeremy blushed, as he realised that he had just asked her out on a date and suddenly became deeply worried, ‘what if she says no’ he thought to himself. Seconds stretched out into hours, he thought about burying himself alive to die a silent screaming death at the possibility of a negative reaction.

Susan looked at him shocked as she realised he had just asked her round to his for dinner as a small smile spread across her face, widening as Jeremys blush became deeper. Thinking she had better accept before he backed out she quickly replied.

‘We both get out at five so I’ll meet you round yours at 8 and you can show me some of your skill’, she winked at him before abruptly turning round and walking off.

Jeremy stood shocked for a few minutes before a sudden wide smile spread across his face. He went back to his work humming a little…

…As they neared three o clock, Jeremy wandered where all the drivers were though he had no pizzas to be delivered and the last guy had left over half an hour ago.

‘Susan where are all the guys gone? We aint’ heard from em in over alf an hour’.

‘Strange huh and the phones are dead as well I just tried calling them, what you think…’

…at that moment the radio blurted out an announcement in the middle of my humps by the black eyed peas.

Dommm
19-Jul-2006, 02:06 PM
sorry couldnt fit it into one posting

‘This is a public service announcement all people in London are asked to remain in there homes, places of work or wherever they happen to be. If you are on the streets please detour to the nearest pub or, café, library or any other place of public congregation. This is not a joke the president has declared a state of national emergency. Again I repeat this is not a joke all cities between London and Liverpool inclusive have been asked to do the same. The only information we have at this time is there was a large explosion caused by terrorists at a chemicals lab and a large gas cloud has formed hundreds of miles wide, effects noticed so far are that humans inhaling any quantity of this gas are said to go insane in a matter of hours. It has not been confirmed which terrorist group is responsible though it has been speculated that it may be part of an Iraqi insurgence effort. All Military, Police and Ambulance services have called in all staff into two twelve hour shifts to provide any medical help and gas masks. Do not approach any people affected by the gas whether they be Stranger, family or friend. These people are identifiable by foaming of the mouth much as in rabies and bloodshot eyes, this I am afraid is all the information that we have at the moment and will keep you updated in any changes. We will return to our scheduled listings until such a time’

Jeremy looked over at Susan saying, ‘Guess our dates off for tonight’ – this made Susan smile as he looked really disappointed.
‘Don’t worry sweetheart at least we can sit here stinking of garlic and pizza’ she smiled at him.

At that moment a guy gushing blood slammed through the door, he was a average sized guy with black hair looked as if from Asian descent, it looked like his arm had been chewed at and was hanging at a awkward angle, as he crashed through the door he immediately feinted. For a few seconds both of them just looked at the guy laying on the cold tiled floor, black hair covering his face blood pooling on the floor next to him.

‘Mate you awright,’ …. Silence… ‘mate you don’t look good’ he walked closer to the man rolling him over with his foot.

‘mate your not looking to good’, the man stirred slightly.

‘Jeremy whats up with him’ Susan whispered.

‘Don’t know, but his arms ****ed up, that can’t be good’ came the answer

Try and call an ambulance I will take a look at his arm, as he neared the guy he thought this is strange especially to the tune gold digger.

‘He felt around for a pulse but none was evident, he took a closer look at the arm, but there was no apparent damage to it.

‘Weird…’

‘The landlines not working; and the mobiles dead. What the ****s going on’

A guttural moan came from the direction of the man, Jeremy moved closer….

‘don’t think you should move any closer Jay’ worry streaming through Susan’s words…

… suddenly the mans eyes popped open, they where wholly bloodshot, giving them the effect of a man who had smoked way to much pot, he seemed to try and lurch forward towards Jeremy slowly opening and closing his mouth. Jeremy moved back quickly rising to his feet, and backing away to the counter, he remembered the broadcast and noticed the mans mouth foaming.
‘MATE you OKAY??’

‘grrahh’ was his only reply

‘**** this don’t look good.’ Jeremy said as he picked up a baking tray for the pizzas.

The man started to rise slowly, every joint moved with small protesting popping noises.

‘mate why don’t you sit back down and we will try and get you some medical help’

The man had fully risen by this point ands was turning round in a slow disjointed motion, it remind Jay of the time he had watched night of the living dead, the movements of this guy seemed almost as disjointed as the zombies in said movie.

‘Don’t come any closer’

Susan was standing behind the counter her mouth wide open in fear, as the man made his way towards Jay.

‘Man stay back, don’t ****ing come any closer’, the man took a slow laborious step towards him, ‘bro I’m warning you stay the **** away from me’, the man took another step closer.

‘One more ****ing step and im gonna have to brain you’ the man moved closer….

… Jay swung the pizza pan high in an arc formation hitting him hard with a crack across the side of his, spinning the man totally round and back a couple of steps. The man turned to face Jay and Susan the effects of the pan evident on his face, one side of his face looked like it had been dented inward.

Jay looked on with worry as the man arduously moved forward again, what shocked Jay even more was the fact the face seemed to be going back to its original shape once again the bones that had been crushed inward were making popping sounds as they righted themselves.

Susan Screamed.

rightwing401
22-Jul-2006, 07:12 PM
Well, it seems promising. I would sudjest rereading it and fixing up the spelling errors, they tend to distract a person from the story.
From what I've read, it seems that these zombies are exceptionally hard to kill, so that could make for some good reading. I don't really know what else I can tell you without a general understanding of the overall plot.

Dommm
24-Jul-2006, 01:47 PM
This is just my first draft of it all and I dumped it on here for positive and negative feed back. In response to the overall plot the story is to follow the two lovebirds through there fight for survival in a world gone backwards. They will try and escape London to head for the hills, at which point they rescue some other survivors and learn the government has set up a safety house further up north. There is much violence, gore and both the nicer variety of sexual encounters and the depraved. In a world without law only the fittest or most morally depraved survive.

AcesandEights
24-Jul-2006, 05:43 PM
I like this. I like the flow and tack you've taken on laying out the beginning of the story.

You have a very casual narrative voice, too, which can be a good thing in engaging the reader in serialized stories. Keep using this, but don't abuse it. Definitely run it through a spellcheck as RW suggested and take a look at your grammar (which wasn't bad at all).

rightwing401
25-Jul-2006, 01:23 AM
Well, it seems like a very nice plotline and the whole concept with the hard to kill zombies only enhances the overall fear factor. The only other advice that I would offer is to use body reactions from time to time, they tend to help enhance the character's feelings and state of mind, and it helps elivate the mood. Ex.-sweat covered, jittery hands-veins getting a sudden chill-heart skips a beat-lump in throat-ect. I would also advise if you're writing guns in your story to try and keep them in a general reference, ex. automatic military rifle-bolt action hunting rifle-standard police issue sidearm. I've noticed if you get very complex on certain things, people either won't know what you're talking about or will get irritated if you get the description wrong.
Everything else aside, just remember to keep writing. Hope this helps chief.

Danny
25-Jul-2006, 01:47 AM
Well, it seems like a very nice plotline and the whole concept with the hard to kill zombies only enhances the overall fear factor.


those are the best kinda zombies, like the ones in dawn, they took a beating but kept going and were harder to kill than modern ones than can be offed with a hit to the stomach with a cricket bat...

good idea that is.

Dommm
25-Jul-2006, 10:49 AM
Thank you all for your kind words and criticisms will be reworking the prologue and the first chapter based on all ya 'alls kind words. I will repost the reworked chapters and hopefully I will get the flow a little better. It may take me a little while to get this reworked as I am still working on the overall timeline on these stories. :D

jimis
13-Oct-2006, 12:00 PM
"the president has declared a state of national emergency. Again I repeat this is not a joke all cities between London and Liverpool"

shouldn't that be "prime minister"?

Dommm
13-Oct-2006, 12:37 PM
"the president has declared a state of national emergency. Again I repeat this is not a joke all cities between London and Liverpool"

shouldn't that be "prime minister"?

too true

ahhh welll :) UK has totally become americanised

kortick
14-Oct-2006, 03:43 AM
good start

i am glad to seee someone writing fiction

the demise of this forum has made
me sadder then i care to admit

you have some good things in the story

i look foward to reading more

and hopefully this forum will pick up again

i dont believe all the zombie fiction has been written
the talent here amazes me
and i know that there are more great stories
sitting on peoples hard drives

good job again

Danny
14-Oct-2006, 04:14 AM
too true

ahhh welll :) UK has totally become americanised

speak for yerself ayes still got family in that thar' west ****try, OO-AAR!
eyes got a luverly combine 'arvester by golly!:lol:

Dommm
30-Oct-2006, 05:31 PM
finally reworked the first chapter and the prequal, will have it posted on here as soon as I can get my fat fingure out of my fat ass.

Cody
30-Oct-2006, 08:45 PM
hard zombies to kill = more suspense from reader

good job.

Deadman_Deluxe
04-Nov-2006, 03:28 PM
hard zombies to kill = more suspense from reader

good job.


Care to expand on that? It makes no sense to me as it is ...