My Story

[Paradigm]

Hey, I was thinking of writing a zombie story - but which Dawn fan isn't?
So I started off with this short prologue. It's set across America definately, and perhaps even a more international stage. Me being English, I'm sure to get some yank things wrong across the length of this tale, but hey, I'm only an amateur. Anyway, I'm just going to put this really short start up and get a sample of general opinion, and advice, if any of you would be kind enough to give it! I love writing and thinking as I go along so I'm open to everything right now, but I'm sure you can pretty much guess events don't stay as they are or I'd have no story. It's titleless as of yet, too, so as you can see it's really in early stages. Nevertheless, without further ado, here's my story so far;

A bloodcurdling scream pierced the silence that swept over the barren landscape. The horrific, unbearable howl threatened to go on unending.
"Tape it" one of the creature’s four escorts ordered. Three other men hurriedly wedged a mound of dirt in the animal’s mouth. Muffled cries still broke through as it choked, but the "leader" of the small, dark group, was satisfied. He looked out over the rocky crest on which he stood, but there was not much to see. Even city lights were far, far out of sight in this bleak environment. A soft, warm breeze stirred slightly among the rather lifeless sand dunes and rock formations. The hard soil was peppered with small, tough shrubs, but in the darkness it was impossible to make them, or much else, out.
The creature had fallen totally silent for a few seconds, drawing the man back into the task at hand; his mind was prone to wandering, and he was annoyed at himself for letting it wander now. This was certainly not the time.
Two of the men with him had just returned bearing flat, elongated entrenching tools; military-specific shovels, adept for shifting the rough, tough soils of these deserts. The third man held down the thing they had transported for many miles. The leader of this small, yet highly profitable operation, was certainly glad to be rid of it; he didn’t get much knowledge but in fairness, he didn’t want it. His instructions were clear, and the money was clearer. And, he was a professional of course. He made it his business not to be curious.
"It’s done, sir" one of the men reported. He was panting heavily from the effort, but the leader had demanded a quick work-rate. His employee understood that command fully - "quick" translating as "light speed", of course.
"Is the bodybag sealed?" The leader just about made out a nod in the darkness. "Place him in, try not to get him angry again. Then bury him as fast as you can, I mean double-time, then we’re off. Quick now"
In the back of his mind, there was a real sense of unease, the like of which he had probably never felt before. Yes, he was a professional, but he was human too. And it just didn’t make sense, in fact it filled him with a swelling terror. He couldn’t let on to his men though, and he knew it. Not until they were out of this dry, barren hellhole, at least.

He could hear them struggling in the darkness, the creature rasping and chomping to no avail; the bag was sealed tremendously well. Eventually, the last shovel of dirt was thrown onto the makeshift "grave" and the noise was well and truly no more, not even muffled wails could be distinguished. The mound fitted in seamlessly with the surrounding landscape, so much so that the leader was sure that it would never, ever be found, even if it was marked by him. The remoteness, the timing of the burial, no witnesses. The operation was a total success, and with it went total security.
"$1 million" he thought to himself, "Seems too good to be true".
Sadly for him, it was.

[Arcades057]

I liked the beginning, but here's a little advice. Firstly, if you're going to set it in America and you want things to be right, such as topography and population and such, do an online search of the area you're looking at. Most counties and states, even cities and small towns, have websites that will give you just about any information that you need.

Second, if your characters are Americans, remember we use a different turn of phrase.


"Is the bodybag sealed?" The leader just about made out a nod in the darkness. "Place him in, try not to get him angry again. Then bury him as fast as you can, I mean double-time, then we’re off. Quick now"


More like this: "Is it zipped? Get him in there, don't piss him off... You know the drill, and make it quick."

We tend to use less flowerful language (sealed, rather than zipped, place him in, rather than something simple like fill the hole or passing over the comment entirely), so don't make the grunts into Rhodes scholars. And yes, using any English turn of phrase will do that! :)

A plus about setting it in America is the wide array of guns you can find to use here. Again, if you want to use one, look it up on the internet, unless you are familiar with it already.

Just a few comments for it. I liked what I saw and I kind of get the idea that this will be a mercenary-hunting-zombies type of story, which I like. :)

[HLS]

I liked the beginning, but here's a little advice. Firstly, if you're going to set it in America and you want things to be right, such as topography and population and such, do an online search of the area you're looking at. Most counties and states, even cities and small towns, have websites that will give you just about any information that you need.

Second, if your characters are Americans, remember we use a different turn of phrase.



More like this: "Is it zipped? Get him in there, don't piss him off... You know the drill, and make it quick."

We tend to use less flowerful language (sealed, rather than zipped, place him in, rather than something simple like fill the hole or passing over the comment entirely), so don't make the grunts into Rhodes scholars. And yes, using any English turn of phrase will do that! :)

A plus about setting it in America is the wide array of guns you can find to use here. Again, if you want to use one, look it up on the internet, unless you are familiar with it already.

Just a few comments for it. I liked what I saw and I kind of get the idea that this will be a mercenary-hunting-zombies type of story, which I like. :)


You got a point. I never thought of that. I wish us americans had a more colorful way of speaking like the Brits:D . Oh ya dont forget american slang:D

[capncnut]

If I decide to set a story in the states (unless it's a specific location) then I just improvise with surroundings I remember from movies, travel brochures etc and give them 'alternate' names. Make it your own American city/town. It may take liberties with the geography but it allows a lot more freedom for improvisation.

[Paradigm]

thanks for the comments, and personally I'm not much of a perfectionist Knut but I could understand people getting offended if I portrayed their culture/landscape incorrectly. Trying to keep people happy is all :D

Oh and Arcades, HLS, dont put yourselves down there's stupid people and smart people everywhere, those that over-elaborate on their sentences and those that keep it short and simple, thanks alot for your advice too guys. I'm moving onto the first few chapters now, where do you think I should put them for people - if any are interested, which I doubt - to read? Am I allowed to just put them in these forums?

[coma]

It's looking good. not to be picky, but no American would say "Quick now". At least it seems that way to me.
I would really disagree with us not having interesting language, its just different, and maybe grittier. We use lots of slang.
I agree with the comment about fictional locations. I really hate when an area is referred to and I am familiar eith it and its way off.