MinionZombie
08-Apr-2007, 03:37 PM
SIMPLE - watch Hills Have Eyes II (2007).
- thar be spoilers ahead, but it doesn't matter as the film is so piss-poor-awful you wouldn't be able to spoil it in a million years -
Just got done watching this sack of sh*t and OH MY GEEZ IN HEAVEN IT IS ATROCIOUS.
I was/am a fan of the original remake (Aja's), it had the odd eye rolling moment of a cliched nature, but was over all a solid horror movie, and a remake of a film that wasn't that great to begin with anyway.
I'll do a simple bitch list to keep this nice and simple:
MinionZombie's "Hills Have Eyes II (2007)" Super-Duper-Serial Bitch List:
1) Unrealistic mutants - e.g. retarded lizard tongue, the rest are just fat-headed morons. In Aja's they actually looked like proper radioactive mutations, not wrestlers with a halloween mask on.
2) Second half is just running around shouting at each other very loudly in the dark.
3) The protagonists are supposed to be soldiers, but they're the worst soldiers I've ever seen committed to film. They cry and whinge and bitch back at each other like the cast of The Real O.C. If this is what the average soldier is like, I weep for humanity.
4) Nowhere near enough gore, what there was wasn't that good.
5) Despite saying "let's stick together", they persist with splitting up, even wandering off to take a piss despite the fact they've just been in a scuffle with a mutant, so they go to take a whizz as if everything's hunky dory and are surprised they're attacked.
6) The friendly mutant ... oh for crying out loud - it's been done before, and it was done properly with a female child mutant, not a thick-as-sh*t male mutant who is so massive should really be pummeling people, what else are all those muscles for? A little girl's tea party?
7) Angry Latino guy - F*CK OFF YOU WANKER.
8) Did I mention the complete and utter lack of discipline or even basic knowledge of how to act like a soldier these apparent soldiers display? Oh man it was bad.
9) So wide open for a sequel you'd think it was wanting you to f*ck it, the film's legs were that far apart - MEGA LAME.
10) Why exactly are the military putting so much effort into finding out 'what is in them thar hills'? It's a nuclear testing ground used for nothing else before or since ... why the fairly large scale operation with fancy equipment?
11) You know sh*t is going down, you're all alone amongst the rocks, perfect time to pull out your mobile phone (EPIC SIZED ADVERT THAT REPEATS AT LEAST TWO MORE TIMES THROUGHOUT THE MOVIE) and watch a video clip of your child ... yes, perfect time for that sort of piss-poor character design, eh?
12) PISS POOR CHARACTERS FULL STOP.
13) The writing was ATROCIOUS - EVEN WORSE THAN YAWN04, AND YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I THINK THAT MOVIE SUCKS BALLS. By comparison, the characters of Yawn04 are deep, emotional and 3-dimensional beings of Shakespearean proportions.
14) Too many more to be bothered mentioning...I'm off to watch porn...
AVOID THIS FILM AT ALL COSTS, IT IS A COMPLETE LOAD OF BOLLOCKS!
- thar be spoilers ahead, but it doesn't matter as the film is so piss-poor-awful you wouldn't be able to spoil it in a million years -
Just got done watching this sack of sh*t and OH MY GEEZ IN HEAVEN IT IS ATROCIOUS.
I was/am a fan of the original remake (Aja's), it had the odd eye rolling moment of a cliched nature, but was over all a solid horror movie, and a remake of a film that wasn't that great to begin with anyway.
I'll do a simple bitch list to keep this nice and simple:
MinionZombie's "Hills Have Eyes II (2007)" Super-Duper-Serial Bitch List:
1) Unrealistic mutants - e.g. retarded lizard tongue, the rest are just fat-headed morons. In Aja's they actually looked like proper radioactive mutations, not wrestlers with a halloween mask on.
2) Second half is just running around shouting at each other very loudly in the dark.
3) The protagonists are supposed to be soldiers, but they're the worst soldiers I've ever seen committed to film. They cry and whinge and bitch back at each other like the cast of The Real O.C. If this is what the average soldier is like, I weep for humanity.
4) Nowhere near enough gore, what there was wasn't that good.
5) Despite saying "let's stick together", they persist with splitting up, even wandering off to take a piss despite the fact they've just been in a scuffle with a mutant, so they go to take a whizz as if everything's hunky dory and are surprised they're attacked.
6) The friendly mutant ... oh for crying out loud - it's been done before, and it was done properly with a female child mutant, not a thick-as-sh*t male mutant who is so massive should really be pummeling people, what else are all those muscles for? A little girl's tea party?
7) Angry Latino guy - F*CK OFF YOU WANKER.
8) Did I mention the complete and utter lack of discipline or even basic knowledge of how to act like a soldier these apparent soldiers display? Oh man it was bad.
9) So wide open for a sequel you'd think it was wanting you to f*ck it, the film's legs were that far apart - MEGA LAME.
10) Why exactly are the military putting so much effort into finding out 'what is in them thar hills'? It's a nuclear testing ground used for nothing else before or since ... why the fairly large scale operation with fancy equipment?
11) You know sh*t is going down, you're all alone amongst the rocks, perfect time to pull out your mobile phone (EPIC SIZED ADVERT THAT REPEATS AT LEAST TWO MORE TIMES THROUGHOUT THE MOVIE) and watch a video clip of your child ... yes, perfect time for that sort of piss-poor character design, eh?
12) PISS POOR CHARACTERS FULL STOP.
13) The writing was ATROCIOUS - EVEN WORSE THAN YAWN04, AND YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I THINK THAT MOVIE SUCKS BALLS. By comparison, the characters of Yawn04 are deep, emotional and 3-dimensional beings of Shakespearean proportions.
14) Too many more to be bothered mentioning...I'm off to watch porn...
AVOID THIS FILM AT ALL COSTS, IT IS A COMPLETE LOAD OF BOLLOCKS!