How tough is Chuck Norris?

[Tied2thetracks]

Anyone have any good chuck norris lines? I found a few good ones.

When Chuck Norris was born he had sex with his nurse, it was her first time and his fifth.

Before the Boogemonster goes to sleep he checks under his bed and in his closet for any signs of Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris was born with the ability to spit venom, but would much rather just roundhouse kick you in the face.

When Chuck Norris jumps into a pool, Chuck Norris doesn't get wet, water gets Chuck Norrised.

There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.

Chuck Norris has two speeds. Walk, and Kill.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.

Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

When chuck Norris does division, there are no remainders

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris isn't hung like a horse, horses are hung like Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris is so tough that under his beard there is no chin but another fist.

[darth los]

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
[/B]


Dammitt, i was going to use that one!! :( Mainly because it's the only one i know. I know that chuck is an icon and all and that he's part of only a handfull of men considered to be all time badasses. My question is why? There were other karate men. What makes him so special? Why not bruce lee? I mean bruce did whip his ass. I'm not knocking his badass status, just help me understand why.

[Tied2thetracks]

I always thought it was kind of a rip on him. He made plenty of bad films and everone ripped on walker texas ranger. I always thought it was a spoof thin that made it funny.

Hes 2 steps up from Segal.

btw, the cancer on is my favorite.

[darth los]

I always thought it was kind of a rip on him. He made plenty of bad films and everone ripped on walker texas ranger. I always thought it was a spoof thin that made it funny.

Hes 2 steps up from Segal.

btw, the cancer on is my favorite.


I guess when you look at it that way it makes sense. Alot like they used to call Bob Euker a great baseball player. It was a joke. Ha ha. He's definitely infinitely tougher than stephen "spray on hair" segal.LOL that cancer line is truly one for the ages.:lol:

[MissJacksonCA]

lol I love Chuck Norris but I dont really see him as a tough guy... he's scrappy... and how dare you mention Steven Segal! He can't act, he's too fat to be an efficient fighter, and he's a wife beater so how tough is he really? :p

[darth los]

lol I love Chuck Norris but I dont really see him as a tough guy... he's scrappy... and how dare you mention Steven Segal! He can't act, he's too fat to be an efficient fighter, and he's a wife beater so how tough is he really? :p

And he's a snitch. He testified in court that the mob was shaking him down. How do people get into jams like that?

[MissJacksonCA]

why would they shake him down he has no money

[darth los]

Reporedly it was at the peak of his career when he had a little change.

[jdog]

when chuck noris does a pushup, instead of pushing himself up he pushes the earth down.

[Neil]

I do hope Chuck has seen some of these! They're hysterical!

[Danny]

And he's a snitch. He testified in court that the mob was shaking him down. How do people get into jams like that?

and he claims hes the reincarnation of a buddhist monk form the 17th century and hes here to save the world.:rolleyes:

[bassman]

I think Conan is responsible for giving Norris this weird popularity...
:lol:
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[Trancelikestate]

chuck norris puts the fun in funeral and the laughter in manslaughter.

when bruce banner gets mad he turns into the hulk, when the hulk gets mad he turns into chuck norris.

superman has a pair of chuck norris pajama's.

[darth los]

chuck norris puts the fun in funeral and the laughter in manslaughter.

when bruce banner gets mad he turns into the hulk, when the hulk gets mad he turns into chuck norris.

superman has a pair of chuck norris pajama's.


Dammitt dude!! I'm eating lunch and i almost spit up my food when i read this. :lol: Definitely the funniest yet. I have got to use those on somebody...with your permission of course. :shifty:

[capncnut]

Well, the guy did fight Bruce Lee in the Roman coliseum...

[darth los]

Well, the guy did fight Bruce Lee in the Roman coliseum...

You're right, case closed. He's a freakin' gladiator dude. atleast he died with honor.

[zombiegirl]

If Luka Brazi had brought along Chuck Norris he wouldn't be sleeping with the fishes. :p

[Tied2thetracks]

How many CHUCK NORRIS’S does it take to screw in a light bulb…WHAT!? CHUCK NORRIS doesn’t need light. Light needs CHUCK NORRIS.

Chuck Norris can believe it’s not butter.

Chuck Norris doesn’t read books, hes stares them down until they give him the information.

Someone once told Chuck Norris that a rounkhouse kick isn't the most effective way to kill a person. Those were his last words.

Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer

The Neverending Story ended because Chuck Norris told it to.

Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.

Chuck Norris graduated from school with a degree in Chuck Norris.

[darth los]

"Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one."

That's the funniest one of the bunch. :lol: This is the funniest thread i've read in a while.

[Trancelikestate]

Dammitt dude!! I'm eating lunch and i almost spit up my food when i read this. :lol: Definitely the funniest yet. I have got to use those on somebody...with your permission of course. :shifty:

yes of course u can use them my friend :D i'm glad this caught on here cuz i've been into them for awhile haha.

chuck norris doesnt take showers, he only takes blood baths.

theres no such thing as steroids in baseball, only players that chuck norris has breathed on.

chuck norris uses tobasco as visine.

chuck norris doesnt dodge bullets, bullets dodge chuck norris.

[darth los]

:lol: :lol:

We should make this thread a sticky. Good stuff tls. How's school by the way? I want updates!! :D

[flyboy]

Anyone have any good chuck norris lines? I found a few good ones.

When Chuck Norris was born he had sex with his nurse, it was her first time and his fifth.

Before the Boogemonster goes to sleep he checks under his bed and in his closet for any signs of Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris was born with the ability to spit venom, but would much rather just roundhouse kick you in the face.

When Chuck Norris jumps into a pool, Chuck Norris doesn't get wet, water gets Chuck Norrised.

There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.

Chuck Norris has two speeds. Walk, and Kill.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.

Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

When chuck Norris does division, there are no remainders

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris isn't hung like a horse, horses are hung like Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris is so tough that under his beard there is no chin but another fist.






he's a fookin crank.:mad:

[darth los]

When chuck norris bites a zombie they turn human. (hey atleast i tried to be original) :(

[th_deadhead]

Some kids piss their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can piss his name into concrete.

Chuck Norris' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Chuck Norris.

Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Chuck Norris can kill 100 percent of whatever the f*** he wants.

Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.

Chuck Norris once won a game of Connect Four in 3 moves.

If you spell Chuck Norris wrong on Google it doesn't say, "Did you mean Chuck Norris?" It simply replies, "Run while you still have the chance."

Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.

Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris' leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.

Giraffes were created when Chuck Norris uppercutted a horse.

Chuck Norris can delete the Recycling Bin.

If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it's f***ing beef.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.

Chuck Norris doesn't have hair on his testicles, because hair does not grow on steel.

Chuck Norris' dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Chuck Norris will not take s*** from anyone.

[darth los]

Those were hilarious as well thanks. :lol:

[Tied2thetracks]

Chuck Norris does not wear a watch, he decides what time it is.

In the beginning there was nothing...then Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked that nothing in the face and said "Get a job". That is the story of the universe.

Chuck Norris has the greatest Poker-Face of all time. He won the 1983 World Series of Poker, despite holding only a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.

Chuck Norris invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.

When taking the SAT, write "Chuck Norris" for every answer. You will score over 8000.

Wilt Chamberlain claims to have slept with more than 20,000 women in his lifetime. Chuck Norris calls this "a slow Tuesday."

When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.

Chuck Norris invented the bolt-action rifle, liquor, sexual intercourse, and football-- in that order.

Using his trademark roundhouse kick, Chuck Norris once made a fieldgoal in RJ Stadium in Tampa Bay from the 50 yard line of Qualcomm stadium in San Diego.

As a teen, Chuck Norris had sex with every nun in a convent tucked away in the hills of Tuscany. Nine months later the nuns gave birth to the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated and untied team in professional football history.

Chuck Norris has a beard because no razor will work; the only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.

Ground Chuck was named after the remains of Chuck Norris's first enemy.

Chuck Norris uses a live rattle snake as a condom

They use Chuck Norris's foreskin as a tarp when it rains at Yankee Stadium.

At his bachelor party, Chuck Norris ate the entire cake before anyone could tell him there was a stripper in it.

If you drop a record needle on Chuck's nipple it will play the Beach Boys' Pet Sounds

[MikePizzoff]

Once, the dinosaurs looked at Chuck Norris the wrong way... once.

[darth los]

:lol: :lol:
where do you guys keep getting these from. lol Is there a database or something? And how come i never heard any of them? That's wierd. :shifty: