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boblord
11-Nov-2007, 11:00 PM
Ya so i decided to take a shot at writing a zombie story. Here is what i have so far. I will post more as i get it done. Coments/sugestions would be apreciated:).

Dylan ducked as the punch flew right over him. He flew up as his upper cut dove right into the gut of his enemy. The guy fell down like a giant tree, crashing into the floor. The crowd cheered as Dylan walked over to the wash pan sitting in the corner of the room.
Dylan was twenty years old, with short black hair and a very muscular body. He splashed some water on his face and walked out of the room. He walked down the long, narrow hallway towards his bunk. His bunk was in a small cramped room, boasting of a double bedded cot and a wash stand. Dylan shared this room with his friend Michael. Once he got there he put on a fresh shirt and laid down on his cot to get some rest.
After what seemed like a few minutes, but was probably an hour Dylan was awakened by a thumping out side his door. Cursing under his breath, he got up out of his cot and opened the door. A foul order washed over him as he opened the door, but Dylan did not have time to notice that for the moment he opened the door a man jumped on top of him and threw him to the ground. Dylan landed with a thud as the man jumped on top of him, moaning a loud grotesque sound.
The man frayed around, trying to bite Dylan as he reached for his knife behind his back. As Dylan grabbed his knife, there was a loud boom and the head of the person exploded in a shower of blood. As Dylan stood up, he looked at where the shot came from. Standing there in the door way was Michael, XM8 in hand. Michael was only two years older than Dylan with short blond hair and the same build as him.
“What the hell is going on here?” asked Dylan.
“Honestly I don’t know. These things just started showing up here about a half an hour ago. They over ran the armory and half the compound. They almost over ran this section also. We need to get out of here pronto.” replied Michael.
“Yeah, but what are they?”
“Like I know what the **** they are? By all meanings there dead, but they still seem to be moving around and trying to kill us all.”
“Ok, whatever lets just get out of here and then we can figure this out later.”
“Fine by me, oh here you will need a gun and if you see any of those things just shot them in the head. That seems to be the only way to kill them.”
Michael tossed him a Springfield pistol and two magazines for the pistol. Going at a sprint, Dylan and Michael left the barracks and headed outside. While going though the hallways Dylan saw the source of the foul smell. Blood streaked all over the walls and body parts lay scattered.
“What the hell do these things eat us or something?” asked Dylan.
“Yes” replied Michael.
Dylan and Michael ran across the compound, towards the west gate. Scattered gunshots and screams arose as they ran at full speed. As they rounded another barracks they both stopped dead in their tracks. Right in front of the west of the west gate stood hoards of the creatures. Men, Women, Children, all shambling around, all moaning, with still more coming in.
“****!” Michael shouted.
Several of the creatures turned towards Michael and started shambling towards him, moaning with theirs arms out stretched as if he was right in front of them. Both Dylan and Michael raised their guns and started firing. Several of the creature’s heads exploded, spraying blood all around. The noise of the gun shots attracted the rest of them that were crowding the gate and pretty soon the entire hoard of creatures were shambling at them.
“Run!” shouted Dylan.
Both of them ran as still more and more of the creatures poured into the compound after them.

wyvern1096
13-Nov-2007, 12:14 AM
Instead of describing your hero like a police report you may wish to incorporate the description into the story better.

Dylan splashed water onto his face and looked into the mirror, shaking his head at the amount of scars he'd accumulated in only 20 years. He blinked his sea-green eyes and ran his still wet fingers through his dark hair, slicking it back from his forehead.

Also, describe his surroundings a bit. I've read your outtake but have no real concept of where he is.

I'm not slamming you, or being an ass, just trying to help. I know this is hard, I'm working on a couple myself.

boblord
13-Nov-2007, 11:57 PM
ya thanks alot. sry bout that im not that good at english