Perverted Joke of the Day

[DjfunkmasterG]

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.
Her nine year old son comes home unexpecedly, sees them and hides in the
closet to watch. The husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the
closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.

The boy says, "dark in here".
The man says, "yes it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball."
Man: "that's nice".
Boy: "want to buy it?"
Man:"no thanks"
Boy: "my dad's outside"
Man: "how much?"
Boy: "$250"

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are
in the closet again together.

Boy: "dark in here."
Man: "yes it is."
Boy: " I have a baseball glove,"
Lover: remembering the last time, how much?
Boy: "$750"
Man: "sold"

A few days later , the dad says to the boy, "grab your ball and glove,
lets go outside and play catch."

The boy says , "I can't, I sold my ball and glove."
The dad asks, "how much did you sell them for?"
Boy: "$1000"
The dad says, "that's terrible to over charge your friends like that",
that's more than those two things cost, I'm taking you to church, to
confession."

They go to church, the dad makes the son sit in the confessional and
closes the door.

The boy says "dark in here."
The priest says, "don't start that sh1t again, you're in my closet now."

[MissJacksonCA]

Oh damn that's funny :annoyed: I demand MORE MORE MORE

[SRP76]

A man comes running into a bar just before evening rush, a desperate look in his eyes. The barkeep looks up from wiping his counter, and the man runs up to him, demanding.....

MAN: Hey, where's your restroom?! It's an emergency!

BARKEEP: Ahh, relax. It's just down the hall.

He casually jerks his thumb in the direction of the short hall behind him, and the man speeds away.

The barkeep sighs, and continues to go about the business of setting things in order for the evening rush. He is lost in his work, until....

MAN: AAAAAARAGAAYAYAYAYAAAAAHHHHH!!!

The barkeep, shocked, jumps up and looks down the hallway.

BARKEEP: What the hell was THAT?!

Cautiously, the barkeep begins to walk down the hall. Suddenly....

MAN: WAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!

The barkeep jumps again, frightened by the maniacal wailing. He darts down the hall, calling....

BARKEEP: Mister! Hey, buddy, you all right back here?!

Coming to the end of the hall, the barkeep turns to face the restroom door. As he reaches out to open it.....

MAN: YAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRGHH!!!

From behind him. The barkeep lets out another yelp of surprise, and wheels around the face the closet door. He yanks it open, and, in the darkness, he sees the man seated with his face in his hands, crying miserably.

BARKEEP: Hey, fella, what's the matter? You okay? What happened?

MAN (sobbing): I...I....I couldn't see, but I could feel the toilet, and sat down. Not a moment too soon! Like I said, it was an emergency...

BARKEEP: Alright, alright. But what's with all the screaming?

MAN (still bawling): Well, everything was fine until I finished. I reached back and pulled the lever to flush....and something reached up from the bowl and squeezed by balls!

BARKEEP: ..............

MAN: And then, I tried again. I pulled the lever.....and my balls got crushed again!

BARKEEP: ............

MAN: It happened a third time, and....and...and then...that's when you showed up.

The barkeep looks down at the man with disdain. Shaking his head in disgust, he says.....

BARKEEP: You stupid son of a bitch, get off my mop bucket.

[Marie]

The Alabama preacher said to his congregation, 'Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate.

I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness From God and this Christian Family.' No one moved.

The preacher continued, 'Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression.' Again all was quiet.

Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, 'Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets.'

The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared!

[wyvern1096]

Chili Cook-Off

If you can read this whole story without laughing, then there's no hope for you. I was crying by the end. This is an actual account as relayed to paramedics at a chili cook-off in Texas.

Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park.


Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL.

Frank: 'Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge 3.'

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:



CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI


Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.


Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.


Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the heck is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.



CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN 'S AFTERBURNER CHILI


Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.


Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.


Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.



CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI


Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.


Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.


Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting drunk from all of the beer.



CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC


Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.


Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.


Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. woman is starting to look HOT ... just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?



CHILI # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER


Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.


Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.


Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them.



CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY


Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.


Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic. Superb.


Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.



CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI


Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.


Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment.**I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.



Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.


CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI


Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.


Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?


Judge # 3 - No Report

[MissJacksonCA]

That chili thing was awesome! I've never experienced anything like people in Texas... for the love of Pete these people put hot peppers in everything and cayenne pepper in everything. The local market has these Texas twister things... its death waiting to strike... its a chicken breast soaked in a 'secret' hot sauce for days... then its wrapped in jalepeno peppers soaked in more hot sauce... then its wrapped in bacon which again.... soaked in hot sauce... makes grown men I respect cry... but yeah i'm amazed by Texans... nothings hot to them their moms must fill their baby bottles with hot sauce... :mad:

[Marie]

The chili thing had me in tears, here's the best I can do today:p

A Dog Story

Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a
beautiful, enticing, female Poodle.

The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the
one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time.

The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves
and hoping for just a glance from her in return.

Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she
decides to be kind and tells them, 'The first one who can use the words 'liver' and 'cheese' together in an imaginative, intelligent
sentence can go out with me.'

The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says, 'I love
liver and cheese.'

'Oh, how childish,' said the Poodle. 'That shows no imagination or
intelligence whatsoever.'

She turns to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and says 'How well can
you do?'

'Um. I HATE liver and cheese,' blurts the Golden Retriever.

'My, my,' said the Poodle. 'I guess it's hopeless. That's just as
dumb as the Lab's sentence.'

She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, 'How about
you, little guy?'

The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse,
is the Taco Bell Chihuahua.

He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and
the Lab and says ......








'Liver alone. Cheese mine.'

[wyvern1096]

That chili thing was awesome! I've never experienced anything like people in Texas... for the love of Pete these people put hot peppers in everything and cayenne pepper in everything. The local market has these Texas twister things... its death waiting to strike... its a chicken breast soaked in a 'secret' hot sauce for days... then its wrapped in jalepeno peppers soaked in more hot sauce... then its wrapped in bacon which again.... soaked in hot sauce... makes grown men I respect cry... but yeah i'm amazed by Texans... nothings hot to them their moms must fill their baby bottles with hot sauce... :mad:

You want a nuclear experience? Ask for "hotter salsa" in a resturant in Mexico. They live for that question from tourists. I was positive I'd eaten live coals. I drank the water out of the dang flower vase trying to cool my mouth. Keep in mind that I grew up in Nevada, I was used to hot food.

[IRA_LCPL]

Try Actual Creole food from Louisiana THAT is like Molten steel.




But so damn good

[Marie]

Short but sweet... Well funny anyway...

Smart Uncle John"

One of the smartest men I ever met was
Uncle John. One day I saw him dragging
a 25 foot chain out the front gate, and I
asked him what he was doing.

"I'm taking this chain to town to get it fixed,"
Uncle John replied.

"Why are you dragging it?" I foolishly asked.

"Ever try pushing one?" John countered.

[wyvern1096]

A female officer arrests a drunk. She warns him, "You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be held against you." The drunk replies, "Boobs."

[clanglee]

A traveling salesman is walking down a country road when he sees something that makes him stop in his tracks. In the pen next to an old farmhouse was the most pitiful looking pig the man had ever seen. The pig was missing two legs, wore an eyepatch, and was missing a large chunk of flesh from its hindquarters. The man walked over to the pig and was amazed at how well the pig could get around on his little peglegs.

"How is this pig even alive? I just have to ask about this"

The salesman knocked on the farmhouse door, and in a short while, and old grizzled farmer opened it.

"Help ya Sir?" the farmer said, squinting at his unexpected visitor.

"Yes sir, I was just passing through when I noticed your pig there. I just have to know what happened, what's the story with that pig?"

"Awww hell, Elmer? That's a real special pig there. One time, bout 3 years back, our woodstove caught fire. Durn near burned the house down around us whiles we were sleepin'. We woulda died for sure if Elmer hadn't come running in the house a snorting and a squealin'. Woke everyone up. Hell of a pig. Then last year my daughter was swimmin' in the pond over yonder. She musta got too deep, cause she started flailin around like crazy. Before I even noticed what was goin on, Elmer ran past me straight into the water. He swam out there, and grabbed my daughter's arm in his little snout and dragged her right out of the water. Saved her life, sure as hell. I tell ya Sir, that's one special pig."

Amazed, the salesman said " Wow!! That's an amaing story Sir. He sure does sound like an amazing pig. What I really wanted to know though, was why is he all wounded up like that? Did he save yall from a bear or somethin'?"

"Oh, that." The farmer said. "Nah, weren't no bear."

"Well what was it then?"

"Well sir, what you have to understand is. . . You can't eat a pig that special all at once."

[kortick]

this one is old

George Bush happens to be touring prisons of the
country with law enforcement officials when he comes
upon the cell of OJ Simpson.

the president says to him
"excuse me, mr simpson, but it it true about what
I heard about black men being well endowed?"

OJ laughs and says "sure is, and cuz your the president
I'm gonna tell you what you can do to help you get bigger"

so the president listens as OJ tells him
"every night before bed, take your willy and
smack it against the bed post at the foot of the bed 3 times.
you notice a difference in a week or two"

So every night the President sneaks into
the bedrooom and does that,
"smack, smack, smack"

One night he comes into the white house
bed room and it is dark, so he takes it out
and feels around the room till he is at the
foot of the bed

"smack, smack, smack"

All of a sudden in the dark he hears his wife, Laura say
"OJ? Is that you...?"

[Mike70]

an australian, an american and a canadian are drinking in a bar. the australian drains his drink, smashes the glass and says "where i'm from there is so much sand that glasses are a dime a dozen.

the american drains his drink, smashes the glass and says, "where i am from we are so rich that glasses are a dime a dozen.

the canadian drains his drink, puts his glass down on the bar, shoots the american then turns to the australian and says, "yeah, well where i'm from it's americans that are a dime a dozen.

[clanglee]

Really? There are American jokes? LOL. I've heard that joke, but the butt of the joke was a Mexican i believe.

[Mike70]

Really? There are American jokes? LOL. I've heard that joke, but the butt of the joke was a Mexican i believe.

sure there are here are a few:

How many wives does the average American husband have?
Answer: 10, 1 at home and 9 in Utah.

How many Americans does it take to buy a gallon of gas?
Answer: 250,000 to seize it and one to pump it.

Why do American wars always come in twos?
Answer: The first one creates terrorists and the second one does too.

How many Americans does it take to prosecute a sex crime?
Answer: 535--435 in the House, 100 in the Senate

Why do American 18-year-olds take sex education courses?
A: So they can learn what they've been doing wrong for the past five years.

Why does it take 3 Americans to change a lightbulb?
A: One to stand on the ladder, and two to carry enough lightbulbs until one is found that isn't defective.

How can an American be certain that the car he's just bought is actually new?
A: When it's recalled by the factory.

n a train car there were a Canadian, an American, a spectacular looking blonde and a frightfully awful looking fat lady. After several minutes of the trip the train happens to pass through a dark tunnel, and the unmistakable sound of a slap is heard. When they leave the tunnel, the American had a big red slap mark on his cheek.

1. The blonde thought - "That American son of a bitch wanted to touch me and by mistake, he must have put his hand on the fat lady, who in turn must have slapped his face"
2. The fat lady thought - "This dirty old American laid his hands on the blonde and she smacked him".
3. The American thought - "That damn Canadian put his hand on that blonde and by mistake she slapped me".
4. The Canadian thought - "I hope there's another tunnel soon so I can smack that stupid ****ing American again".


The American navy is approaching the coast of newfoundland when they spot something on their radar:

Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.
Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.
Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
Canadians: No. I say again you divert YOUR course.
Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES` ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

A British doctor says: "The medicine in my country is so advanced
that we can remove the brain of a man, put it in another man and make him
get a job in six weeks."
A German doctor says: "That's nothing. We can remove the brain of a
person, put it in another one and prepare him for war in four weeks."
The American doctor, not to be surpassed, says: "Friends, both of
you are outdated. Recently we identified a man without a brain from Texas
and placed him in the White House. Now we have half the country looking
for a job and the other half preparing for war!"

[clanglee]

Ok then, that first one is just silly.

The next 4 are hilarious.

The next 2, oh come on.

The next one is an oldie. I first heard it as an Irishman slapping an Englishman.

The lighthouse one, I get where it's funny and all, just. . . meh.

That last one made me snort tho!!

[kortick]

I liked them.
They are funny.

here are some Canada ones,

I have to hear these all the time from a friend in Canada
his jokes about America are WAY more nasty. The bitch.

this one:
An Englishman, a Canadian and an American were captured by terrorists.

The terrorist leader said: "Before we shoot you, you will be allowed last words. Please let me know what you wish to talk about."

The Englishman replied: "I wish to speak of loyalty and service to the crown."

The Canadian replied: "Since you are involved in a question of national purpose, national identity, and secession, I wish to talk about the history of constitutional process in Canada, special status, distinct society and uniqueness within diversity."

The American replied: "Just shoot me before the Canadian starts talking."


and:
How many Canadians does it take to screw in a light bulb? Just one, and a 24-pack of beer. (Once the room starts to spin...)


and:
Every nation in attendance at an international symposium on elephants had to deliver a report on the animals.

France's report: "The Love Life of an Elephant."

America saw the economic values in: "Raising Elephants for Fun and Profit."

Great Britain had their own unique view: "The Elephant and the British Empire."

The Canadian report was, of course, typically Canadian... "The Elephant: A Federal or Provincial Responsibility?"


and:

A Jewish person, an American and a Canadian were riding in a car together and were involved in a very bad accident. The ambulance took them all to hospital together but they were just barely alive....as a matter of fact all three expired in the same operating room while doctors were working on them.

Suddenly the three of them appeared in the clouds at St. Peters Gate and as they approached, St. Peter gestured to the American and said, "If you give me fifty dollars I'll send you back....you are too young to be up here so soon."

The American whipped out fifty bucks and....poof! He jumped off the operating table in perfect conition! Not a scratch on him. The doctors were amazed and asked him how come?

He said that all he knew is that the three of them were "up there" with St. Peter and when St. Peter asked him for fifty bucks to send him back....he paid it and....poof! Here he was!

The doctors couldn't help but be amazed and asked him, "You say those other two were up there with you?" (They were on the next two operating tables in the room) The American said "Yes they were."

The doctors then asked him, "Well what about them? Are they coming back too? What were they doing when you left?"

The American said, "Well, all I can say is when I looked back at them just before I left the Jewish guy was arguing about the price and the Canadian was waiting for the government to pay for his!"

[ZombiePrototype]

I just want to let everyone know that I didn't make this joke up I heard it on the radio. What do Santa Claus and child molesters have in common? They bot have sacks they need to empty.

[SymphonicX]

OK now we're scraping the bottom of the barrel i'll put my two pennies in...

A kid looks up to his dad and says "dad, what's a degenerate?"
the dad replies "shut up and keep s*cking"

Why was pinnochio so popular with the ladies?
f*ck nose.

What would Princess Di be doing now if she was alive?
Clawing at her coffin lid.

Why do women get periods?
Because they deserve it.

A kid walks into the woods with a child mole ster
the kid says "gee mister, its dark in there, I'm scared"
the man replies, "you're scared? I gotta walk out of here alone!"

ok enough from me

[clanglee]

:lol::lol::lol:

that reminds me of some of the "mommy mommy" jokes.

"Mommy Mommy!!! Why am I running around in circles?"
"Shut Up kid or I'll nail your other foot to the floor."


or

"Mommy Mommy!! There's something in Daddy's eye!!"
"Shut up Kid and eat around it!!"

that one works well for this site. :D

[IRA_LCPL]

A man works in an office and one day he complains to his co-workers that his elbow hurts, His co-worker then replies 'theres a new machine down at the pharmacy you put in a Urine sample and $5 it tells you exactly whats wrong with you within 5 minutes." "Bull****e" the first man says. "Alright tell you what if you dont abelieve me Ill give you the cash and when it tells you I want you to come back in and give me back $10 as a bet" The first man takes the rest of the day off and hits the Pharmacy to try out this Wounder machine. about 3 minutes later a readout printed off and said " Diagnosis tennis elbow Keep heat on it and do not use it to stressfully." thats amazing the man replies. He heads home and starts thinking he makes his wife his daughter and his dog piss in a cup and Jerks off in it for good measuer. The next morning he stops back into the Pharmacy and pours in hi little cocktail. 5 minutes pass and the readout that comes out says "Your daughter is doing Blow your wife is Pragnant (its not yours) and your dog has worms. Also if you dont quit Wanking your elbow will never get better":elol:

[Danny]

oh ive got two bad jokes.

1: how do you get 100 dead babies in a bucket? - with a blender!

2: How do you get them out the bucket? - With Tortilla Chips!

[SymphonicX]

oh ive got two bad jokes.

1: how do you get 100 dead babies in a bucket? - with a blender!

2: How do you get them out the bucket? - With Tortilla Chips!

Slight variation on those two -

What's the best thing about putting a baby in a blender feet first?
You get to see the expression on it's face...

How do you get it out again?
Doritos!

What's red and pink and sits in the corner?
a baby with a razor blade

What's green, smells and sits in the corner?
Same baby after two weeks...

[capncnut]

Gianni Versace, Freddie Mercury and Princess Diana are standing at the pearly gates. God looks at all three and says "Only one of you can come with me to heaven. Each of you must tell me why I should allow you to join my celestial family."

Versace walks up to God and says, "I could design a whole new wardrobe for you and all your angels. Here, look what I have done already..."

God looks at the designs and says, "Very good. Mr Mercury, how about you?"

Freddie walks up to God and says, "I was one of the most celebrated songwriters on Earth and I could write some new hymns. Here, look what I have done already..."

God looks at the hymns and says, "Very good. Diana, how about you?"

Diana walks up to God, saying nothing. She pulls out a full bottle of Evian and inserts the top of it into her crotch. With a grimace, she sucks up all of the water, holds it for a second and then flushes it out of her asshole.

God applauds Diana and says, "Now that is INCREDIBLE! I choose you to join me in heaven, my child."

Versace and Freddie are baffled. "Well, that's not fair..."

God turns to them both and says, "Unfair, it might be but you two should know that a royal flush will always beat a pair of queens."


Okay, throw rocks at me. :D

[clanglee]

:lol::lol::lol:
oh good stuff there.
:lol::lol::lol:

[mista_mo]

whats the difference between a dodge viper and a pile of dead babies?
I don't have a dodge viper in my garage.

How do you stop a baby from crying?
Stick it in the oven.

whats black blue and red?
a baby in the care of a british nanny.

[Mike70]

y'all are some profoundly sick puppies.


i salute each and every one of you.:lol:

[Neil]

Mickey Mouse is in court, trying to get divorced from Mini Mouse...

The judge has a look of just utter confusion on his face, and in the end says, "Look Mickey, just come up here again and explain to me why you want to get devorced from Mini Mouse!".

So Mickey goes up to the Judge and explains yet again why he wants to get divorced.

The Judge, still looks a baffled, "So you want to get divorced because she has big teeth?"

Mickey looks annoyed, "No!!!!!!!! She's F*CKING Goofy!!!!"

[mista_mo]

A women starts a conversation with a man...

"so, what do you think of dis-"

Her voice is silenced by a quick slap to the face. The man looks down upon her with a furious look on his written across his face, as tears blend with her mascara and stream down her cheeks.

"get back in the f*cking kitchen"

Whats the difference between a man and a women?
a 2 foot long chain connecting the women to the oven.

[Danny]

how many dead babies does it take to paint a house?

depends on how hard you throw them.

[Neil]

how many dead babies does it take to paint a house?

depends on how hard you throw them.

Am I the only person who finds all these 'baby' jokes unfunny, and to be honest somewhat the opposite..?

They just appear to be cheap humour crying out for attention by being extreme/offensive than actually in anyway clever or actually humourous!?

[mista_mo]

I love the look some people have when you say one of those jokes. Priceless. Plus I find them funny, but hey, I guess, I'm just like, you know, not in good taste (thats what i ment)

Why did a chicken cross the road?
Because there was a dead baby on the other side.

[Neil]

I love the look some people have when you say one of those jokes.
As I suggested then, more just a cheap attempt at grabbing attention than any sort of intelligent attempt at actual humour... Oh well...

Are you sure the look you mentioned isn't just one of utter confusion? Like, 'you said it was a joke not just stupid s**t?'

[Danny]

whats the difference between my girlfreind and a dead baby?

i dont kiss my girlfreind afte ri have sex with her!


bad enough dude?:lol:

[Neil]

whats the difference between my girlfreind and a dead baby?

The baby has more sense?

[Danny]

http://www.dead-baby-joke.com/introduction.htm

for all your comedic infant cadaver needs.

[mista_mo]

As I suggested then, more just a cheap attempt at grabbing attention than any sort of intelligent attempt at actual humour... Oh well...

Are you sure the look you mentioned isn't just one of utter confusion? Like, 'you said it was a joke not just stupid s**t?'

Hey man, that's like, your opinion :P.

It's a thread about perverted jokes, and surprise, not all are going to be pleasent or in good taste. Now, whether these are "stupid S hit" or not doesn't matter, as thats purely based on someones opinion. relax, throw a baby into a meat grinder, and have a good time.

and no, the look is pretty much a Jesus christ, what the f uck did you just say? look of pure revoltion and disgust.

a joke isn't really a perverted joke unless someone gets offended now is it?

[SymphonicX]

Am I the only person who finds all these 'baby' jokes unfunny, and to be honest somewhat the opposite..?

They just appear to be cheap humour crying out for attention by being extreme/offensive than actually in anyway clever or actually humourous!?

I think that's why they're funny...they're extreme...anything that plays on your sense of extremity, morality, etc tends to be quite funny in my eyes...It's like bursting out the worst racist/homophobic jokes you can think of, they're wrong, a bit evil, but generally can be very funny...I think it tickles that bone in my body that says "you really, really shouldn't be laughing at r@pe jokes" or something...

What's the best thing about ****ing twenty eight year olds?

There's 20 of them....

[Neil]

Hey man, that's like, your opinion :P.

It's a thread about perverted jokes, and surprise, not all are going to be pleasent or in good taste. Now, whether these are "stupid S hit" or not doesn't matter, as thats purely based on someones opinion. relax, throw a baby into a meat grinder, and have a good time.

and no, the look is pretty much a Jesus christ, what the f uck did you just say? look of pure revoltion and disgust.

a joke isn't really a perverted joke unless someone gets offended now is it?
You are of course (mostly) right...

But I just find that sort of humour (????) cheap. It' sinking to the lowest levels purely for shock rather than actually using any intelligence or actual real humour. It's using children and babies for no other reason than these are the easiest way to get an emotional response, and one that in reality is in no way connected to humour...

The jokes in question could of course use other 'objects' as they use babies/children not because they are applicable to it, just simply for the reasons I mentioned.

As such I find them 'lazy' as well as distateful...

[capncnut]

But I just find that sort of humour (????) cheap. It' sinking to the lowest levels purely for shock rather than actually using any intelligence or actual real humour. It's using children and babies for no other reason than these are the easiest way to get an emotional response, and one that in reality is in no way connected to humour...
I 'sorta' agree with you. It's not that I find them unfunny, I just find them silly and (for the most part) repetitive. But hey, diff'rent strokes for diff'rent folks.

[AcesandEights]

What's the best thing about ****ing twenty eight year olds?

There's 20 of them....

I spit up my coffee on that one :lol:

[SymphonicX]

You are of course (mostly) right...

But I just find that sort of humour (????) cheap. It' sinking to the lowest levels purely for shock rather than actually using any intelligence or actual real humour. It's using children and babies for no other reason than these are the easiest way to get an emotional response, and one that in reality is in no way connected to humour...

The jokes in question could of course use other 'objects' as they use babies/children not because they are applicable to it, just simply for the reasons I mentioned.

As such I find them 'lazy' as well as distateful...


They're "jackass" type jokes, definitely...they ARE there for shock value, they are an easy target, it's obviously the bottom of the barrel in humour next to racist and homophobic jokes....but that's why they're funny...poking fun at taboo and stuff, it's definitely not meant to be intelligent...you gotta let go of that and open up to the face value of it, it's sick and twisted...that's why it's funny....it's no holds barred, below the belt, etc etc etc...I mean very few jokes have real intrinsic value anyway... ;)

[MinionZombie]

Essentially, it's turning something any normal person would find abhorrent and terrifying and mentally scarring in real life, into a joke. We all do it, make a joke from something grim to deal with it easier.

Then it's just part of "bad taste" joke culture anyway, there was a whole Channel 4 doc about it a while ago, and some of those jokes were vile or really, really, really non-PC ... like waaaaaaaaay non-PC ... and while offensive, I still laughed - because I understood the joke, in terms of construction, i.e. I "get" why it's supposed to be funny, ergo - laughage.

It's like that whole "aristocrats" thing, that's all poo, pee, puke, paedophilia, incest, rape, racism, you name it - everything awful is in the variations of that joke - it's so preposterously offensive and distasteful, which is the point of it.

Yes the "dead baby" line of gags (which I've never actually heard until this thread actually) are cheap, obvious, simple in nature ... and no doubt you don't like them at all Neil as you have kids, but ultimately it is just your opinion that you're stating ... ... I think they're mank, but I understand the structure of the joke.

If it was real it'd be an atrocity, but it's not, it's just a simplistically offensive one liner...

[SymphonicX]

Essentially, it's turning something any normal person would find abhorrent and terrifying and mentally scarring in real life, into a joke. We all do it, make a joke from something grim to deal with it easier.

Then it's just part of "bad taste" joke culture anyway, there was a whole Channel 4 doc about it a while ago, and some of those jokes were vile or really, really, really non-PC ... like waaaaaaaaay non-PC ... and while offensive, I still laughed - because I understood the joke, in terms of construction, i.e. I "get" why it's supposed to be funny, ergo - laughage.

It's like that whole "aristocrats" thing, that's all poo, pee, puke, paedophilia, incest, rape, racism, you name it - everything awful is in the variations of that joke - it's so preposterously offensive and distasteful, which is the point of it.

Yes the "dead baby" line of gags (which I've never actually heard until this thread actually) are cheap, obvious, simple in nature ... and no doubt you don't like them at all Neil as you have kids, but ultimately it is just your opinion that you're stating ... ... I think they're mank, but I understand the structure of the joke.

If it was real it'd be an atrocity, but it's not, it's just a simplistically offensive one liner...


Yeah, I think calling it how it is, is the most important thing - personally I find the worst and most offensive jokes really funny, anything that plays on my sense (or lack of) morality is all good for me...

[IRA_LCPL]

I have another Sock value joke ya.

Kortick you should like this one

Whats the best thing about a 12 year old girl in the shower????







Slick her hair back and you get a 9 year old boy

[clanglee]

It' sinking to the lowest levels purely for shock rather than actually using any intelligence or actual real humour. It's using children and babies for no other reason than these are the easiest way to get an emotional response,
As such I find them 'lazy' as well as distateful...

So basically they are the joke version of Steven Speilburg movies?




The jokes I always felt bad about laughing at were the Challenger jokes. They are kinda dated now, but here goes. . . jokes about the Space Shuttle Challenger disaster.

"What were the last words heard on the radio before the Challenger blew up?"

"What's this button do?"
or
"No No, I said Bud light!!"


"How did they know one of the crew members had dandruf?"
They found their head and shoulders on the beach.


"What color were Christy McCullough's eyes?"

Blue-one blew this way, one blew that way.

[Tricky]

whats blue & f*cks old ladies?



hypothermia :eek:

[Andy]

This thread is sick. absolutly sick.

When is a fairy a goblin?

When she has a cock in her mouth

LOL read it out loud to yourself..

[Danny]

just heard a bad one today

what the difference between a rape and murder victim and Madelyn meckan?

NOTHING.

[clanglee]

Ok. . . I am being forced to do this. . . it's on all your heads. . . .

Helen Keller Joke Time:

"How Did Hellen Keller's parents punish her?"

Rearranged the furnature
or
Left the plunger in the toilet
or
Put her in a room with stucco walls, and tell her to read them

"Helen is hanging from a cliff about to fall, why is she only holding on with one hand?"

She was yelling for help with the other.

"Why was helen's leg yellow?"

Her dog was blind too.

"Why did her dog run away?"

You would too if your name was "Agghhhh-LArgh AAAhhh RaGH!!!!"

[Danny]

It's been said Harold Shipman was a bit of a lady killer, maybe thats got something to do with the fact that he's well hung!

[Tricky]

9 out of 10 people say gang rape is a good thing... :eek:

[SymphonicX]

9 out of 10 people say gang rape is a good thing... :eek:


Oh dear God....that made me laugh....

The one about the girl in the shower was EVIL too...jesus...how do people think of this ****? And the one about Maddy....man that was purely wrong...hahaha

Anecdotally, got a friend who's got the same sense of humour as me...he was at work and a conversation was struck up about what was in the portguese kebab shop just down the road, and he replied with one word:

"Madelline?"

Cue an angry looking, totally offended group of people staring at him...he said "guess I'm on my own then" hahaha

This one is relatively clean by comparison:


Saddamn Hussein's son comes back from the shops with all the food piled awkwardly up in his hands, looking shocked, Saddam asks him "why are you carrying all the shopping?"

His son looks over to him and replies: "because there's no bagh-dad"

[CornishCorpse]

Whats worse than finding a worm in youre apple? Rape.

So three blondes are sitting at a bar talking about a the night before when they had gone out drinking. The first blonde says " I was so wasted last night guys! When I got home I blew chunks" the other two laugh and the second blonde says " thats nothing I never made it home, I ended up stripping for the old boys after everyone else left" the three blonde shakes her head and pushes herself into the conversation " Yeah well screw you two lightweights, I ended up throwing up and dancing on the table" the first blonde shakes her head and says " guys guys, chunks is my dog".

[Tricky]

I wanked over a blind girl yesterday.

She never saw me coming.

[Mike70]

why is it called PMS?

because "mad cow disease" was already taken.

[LoSTBoY]

Got one for ya.

A Priest is up in his bedroom having a wank. After he finishes he realizes the window cleaner has watched the whole thing.

Completely embarrassed, he cleans up and goes down stairs, someone knocks on the door and the Priest answers to the grinning window cleaner.

"I've done your windows father. That'll be £100." Says the cleaner with a wink.

Hurriedly, the Priest pays him & shuts the door. The house keeper who has been listening yelled:

"£100? For 4 small windows? That boy must have seen you coming!" :p

[Mike70]

your sister is like a shotgun, one cock and she'll blow.

[Tricky]

A tramp walks into a jewellers, puts his hands down his trousers and starts fingering his arsehole. The sales assistant shouts at him 'Stop what you're doing and get out!' The tramp says 'You want to make your ****ing minds up, you've a sign on the window says come inside and pick your ring in comfort.'

:lol:

[Mike70]

limerick time:


there once was a man from madras
whose balls were made out of brass
and in stormy weather
they'd clang together
and lightning would shoot out of his ass.


there was a lady from belize
who orgasmed when she would sneeze
she went into town
put her money down
and said, "a barrel of snuff if you please."


On the tits of a barmaid named Gayle,
Were tattooed prices of beer, stout, and Ale,
and on her behind,
For the sake of the blind,
Was precisely the same, but in Braille.


There was a young gigolo named Bruno
Who said, "Screwing's one thing I do know.
While women are fine,
And sheep are divine,
Llama's are numero uno!"



There was a young man named Dave
Who kept a dead whore in a cave.
Said he, "I'll admit
She does smell a bit,
But look at the money I save!"

[bassman]

:lol:

The last one is the best out of the group, imo.

[Craig]

I love a good limerick :lol:


There once was a young man called Chris
Who liked to drink other men's piss
In the toilet he'd hide
With his mouth open wide
But men being men they'd all miss


Made this one up myself, kinda lame but I was pleased :p

[clanglee]

I wanna play!!!


There once was a lady from Loo,
Who filled herself up with some glue.
She said with a grin,
"If they'll pay to get in,
They'll pay to get out of it too!"

[major jay]

Confucius say.

Panties not greatest think on earth....but next to it.

Confucius say.

Baseball wrong....man cannot walk with four balls.

[Tricky]

"I lost my virginity to a retard last night... I wanted my first time to be special. "



ooooft :barf:

[Bub666]

Ok. . . I am being forced to do this. . . it's on all your heads. . . .

Helen Keller Joke Time:

"How Did Hellen Keller's parents punish her?"

Rearranged the furnature
or
Left the plunger in the toilet
or
Put her in a room with stucco walls, and tell her to read them

"Helen is hanging from a cliff about to fall, why is she only holding on with one hand?"

She was yelling for help with the other.

"Why was helen's leg yellow?"

Her dog was blind too.

"Why did her dog run away?"

You would too if your name was "Agghhhh-LArgh AAAhhh RaGH!!!!"

:lol::lol::lol:

[mista_mo]

I love a good limerick :lol:


There once was a young man called Chris
Who liked to drink other men's piss
In the toilet he'd hide
With his mouth open wide
But men being men they'd all miss


Made this one up myself, kinda lame but I was pleased :p

So people are writing limericks about me now eh.
I will state that I hardly ever do that.

[RustyHicks]

limerick time:


there once was a man from madras
whose balls were made out of brass
and in stormy weather
they'd clang together
and lightning would shoot out of his ass.


there was a lady from belize
who orgasmed when she would sneeze
she went into town
put her money down
and said, "a barrel of snuff if you please."


On the tits of a barmaid named Gayle,
Were tattooed prices of beer, stout, and Ale,
and on her behind,
For the sake of the blind,
Was precisely the same, but in Braille.


There was a young gigolo named Bruno
Who said, "Screwing's one thing I do know.
While women are fine,
And sheep are divine,
Llama's are numero uno!"



There was a young man named Dave
Who kept a dead whore in a cave.
Said he, "I'll admit
She does smell a bit,
But look at the money I save!"

Now that cracked me up:hyper::lol::p

[SymphonicX]

There was an old lady from ealing
who had a peculiar feeling
she laid on her back
opened her crack
and pissed all over the ceiling!

[DjfunkmasterG]

Confucius say.

Panties not greatest think on earth....but next to it.

Confucius say.

Baseball wrong....man cannot walk with four balls.

Confuscius say:

Man with hole in pocket feel cocky. :D

[major jay]

Confusius say.

Oral sex makes ones day....anal sex makes ones hole weak.

[Mike70]

a man looks at wife and says "honey, why don't you ever tell me when you orgasm during sex?"

she looks at him and says, "because you're never around when i do."



A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel on his pants.
The Bartender asks, "whats with the wheel?"
The pirate says, "Ar! It drives me nuts!"


A drunk phoned police to report that thieves had been in his car.
"They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator!" he cried out.

However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time with the same voice came over the line.

"Never mind," he said with a hiccup, "I got in the back seat by mistake."
__________________

After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.

The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.

The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one.

The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.

The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.

The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?" and the Guinness president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I."

[Chic Freak]

Have we had the horrible baby jokes yet? Brace yourselves.


Q. What has two legs and bleeds a lot?
A. Half a baby

Q. What's small and green and goes up and down all day?
A. A dead baby in a lift

Q. What's red and silver and bumps into things?
A. A baby with a fork in its eye

Q. What's a foot long and makes women scream?
A. Cot death


I do realise I'm going straight to hell... just so y'all know.

[SymphonicX]

**** it, Chic Freak, it's where all the good music is anyway...

[Dtothe3]

Before being released, Gary Glitter made an announcement from his prison cell. He said "I'm going to take my family to Florida". That's right, Glitter is going to Tampa with the kids!

Micheal Jackson is bathing his son, his son asks "Daddy, why is my winkie different from yours?". Micheal replies "Well for a start, you don't have a hard on".

Why's a 69 better then a family reunion? In a 69, you only have to kiss one ****.

[capncnut]

Before being released, Gary Glitter made an announcement from his prison cell. He said "I'm going to take my family to Florida". That's right, Glitter is going to Tampa with the kids!
Okay two Gary Glitter jokes:


Gary is on a boat with 100 boy scouts and girl guides and the captain spots an iceberg.

Captain says, "iceberg right ahead, everyone into the boats!"

Gary says, "what about the kids?"

Captain says, "f**k the kids!"

Gary says, "cool but do we have time for that right now?"



Gary Glitter and a young boy are out walking through a forest late at night.

The boy says, "it's dark! I don't like it, I'm scared!"

Gary says, "you're scared? I've got to walk back out of here on my own!"

[Mike70]

limerick time again! (cue musical intro)


There once was a fellow named Kent
Whose dong was so long that it bent
To save himself trouble
He stuck it in doubled
And instead of cumming... he went


There once was a lady named Cager
Who had agreed to a wager
She consented to fart
the entire oboe part
Of Mozart's quartet in F major

There once was a man from Peru.
Who fell asleep in a canoe.
While dreaming of Venus,
he pulled out his pe*nis,
and woke up with a handful of goo.


There once was a lady named Dot
Who lived on pig Shakespeare and snot.
When she ran out of these,
She would eat the green cheese
She scraped from inside her twat.

I once faced my deepest of fears,
When my bowels up and reversed their gears,
I lost my smug grin,
Tried to hold it all in,
But finally shot sH8t out both ears


The lass I brought home was a prize,
With an alluring set of blue eyes,
Her breasts, so well kept,
Were what I'd expect,
But her penis was quite a surprise.


An Aussie with dire love trouble,
Enclosed himself within a bubble,
Till a thundering blast,
From the depths of his ass,
Reduced his clear sphere into rubble.

this one is for you mista mo:

there once was a man named mojoseph
whose balls were rather explosive,
one day while oiling them down
with some ointment he found
he discovered too late it was corrosive.

[horrormad]

What is Michael jacksons best birthday gift?

A duck ;)

[capncnut]

What is Michael jacksons best birthday gift?

A duck ;)
The other joke you posted was funnier. Merged with joke thread.

[horrormad]

What do Michael Jackson and an xbox have in common?

Both get turned on by kids!!!

[Tricky]

I'll tell you what I really hate about my new Thai bride.
She keeps leaving the toilet seat up!

[capncnut]

Okay two nasty, awful jokes regarding Jett Travolta. You have been warned.


Q. How did Jett Travolta die?
A. Autopsy is still ongoing but doctor's have ruled out Saturday Night Fever.


Q. What was Jett Travolta's last words?
A. "Seizure later."


<ducks for cover> :D

[Mike70]

another nasty jett travolta joke:

do you know what jett's problem was?

he had trouble stayin alive.

[CornishCorpse]

:stunned: Mike I bow to you and youre limeric awesomeness! Lol

Joker Joke:

"Well...this guy goes into the hospital, okay?...His wife's just had a baby and he can't wait to see them both. So he meets the doctor and says, 'Oh, doc, I've been so worried. How are they?' And the doctor smiles and says, 'They're fine. Just fine. Your wife delivered a healthy baby boy and they're both in tip-top form.....You're one lucky guy' So the guy rushed into the maternity ward with his flowers. But its empty. His wife's bed's empty. 'Doc?' he says and he turns around and the doctor and the nurses wave their arms and scream in his face...
'APRIL FOOL! YOU'RE WIFE'S DEAD AND THE BABY'S A SPASTIC!' Get it?"

[clanglee]

No No No. . . .you've got that all wrong



A man's wife is in a horrible accident. He is at the hospital in the waiting room when the doctor walks up to him.

"Doc, how is she? Is she gonna make it?"

The doctor looks at the man very seriously and says. . "Well, it's not good news sir. We are going to send her home with you soon, but Your wife is in a near vegitable state. She has severe brain damage and will never recover. The rest of her life you are going to have to make sure she is fed and bathed properly. She also may choke on her own vomit, so you must check on her every 10 minutes and sometimes vacum her esophogus. You will also need to check her for bedsores and apply medication to any formed ones. She will never wake up but she is not bad enough to stay here. There is always euthanasia, but that is entirely up to you. . I don't want that kind of evil on my concience. Until her eventual death, you will have to be present for her at all times and your life will become very difficult I'm afraid."

The man is completely and utterly crestfallen. He looks up tearfully and says to the doctor "Really? Is there nothing we can do?"

The doctor then smiles at the man, and slaps him on the back saying "I'm just fucking with ya. She's dead!"

[CornishCorpse]

Lol Diffrent variations but both good xD

[FoodFight]

The new hire was working at the sex shop when a customer asks, "How much for that big white thing behind the counter?" "$25" was the reply. She pays and leaves with her purchase. The second customer asks "How much for that big black thing behind the counter?" "$25" was the reply. She pays and leaves with her purchase. A third customer asks "How much for that big plaid thing behind the counter?" "$35" was the reply. She pays and leaves with her purchase.

Later, the manager asks her how many sales she made. "I got $25 for a white toy, $25 for a black toy, and $35 for your thermos!"

[otisbenny]

A woman stands atop the roof of a 50 story builiding. She's feeling woozy from an office party. She stands on the ledge and falls off.

10 stories down a man reaches his arms out and grabs her.
"Thank you for saving my life!" she says. "What can I do to re-pay you?"
The man replies, "How 'bout a blow-job!?" "NO!!!" the woman replies- so the man drops her.

10 stories down another man reaches his arms out his window and grabs her.
"Oh my God! Thank you for saving my life! What can I do to repay you?"
"How 'bout a fuck!?" the man replies. "NO!!!" she says- so the man drops her.

Believe it or not, 10 stories down, another man reaches his arms out his window and catches her.

"Oh My God!!! Thank you for saving my life!!! Tell you what, I'll do anything you want...I'll give you a blowob and a good fuck!"

"Fuckin' Slut!!" the man replies and he drops her.

[Bruiser235]

Did you hear about the cannibal that passed his brother in the woods?

[blind2d]

No I haven't.... wait a tick... - 2D
"Right, so this guy walks up to this bird at a bar. He says, "Oi love, you look like you could use a drink." Then the bird says, " - Murdoc
Stop that right now! I will not have you behaving like that around me! - Noodle
This thread is stupid and detrimental to civilized conversation. - Russel

[Mike70]

No I haven't.... wait a tick... - 2D
"Right, so this guy walks up to this bird at a bar. He says, "Oi love, you look like you could use a drink." Then the bird says, " - Murdoc
Stop that right now! I will not have you behaving like that around me! - Noodle
This thread is stupid and detrimental to civilized conversation. - Russel

dude, you are in serious need of some immediate psychiatric help and that is no joke.

[Cartma7546]

so a guy goes the the pharmacist and buys a box of condoms for his 11 year old daughter. The pharmacist asked "sir do you mean to tell me that you have sexually active 11 year old daughter?" The man replies "no she just lays there like her mother."

[clanglee]

so a guy goes the the pharmacist and buys a box of condoms for his 11 year old daughter. The pharmacist asked "sir do you mean to tell me that you have sexually active 11 year old daughter?" The man replies "no she just lays there like her mother."

Oh my:stunned:

I think we have a winner.

[krakenslayer]

NOTHING beats this one for insensetivity:


What do submarines and Madeline McCann have in common?

Both lie at the bottom of the sea and are full of seamen.

(awaits ban)

[Mike70]

NOTHING beats this one for insensetivity:


What do submarines and Madeline McCann have in common?

Both lie at the bottom of the sea and are full of seamen.

(awaits ban)

:stunned::stunned::eek:

i'm....well that is certainly ...wow.

damn that's a cold one for sure.

[krakenslayer]

:stunned::stunned::eek:

i'm....well that is certainly ...wow.

damn that's a cold one for sure.

Yeah, it's probably the most offensive one I've ever heard.

I thought I'd get the fact that it made me laugh off my conscience by sharing it with you.

[Tricky]

I'm about three years into my relationship now, and I've started to have erection difficulties. My girlfriend and I have different ideas as to what the problem is: she bought me some Viagra...

...and I've bought her a treadmill.



john travolta's son is set to star in the hit musical sequel "Friday Night Seizure".


What with Lewis Hamilton winning the F1 world championship and barack obama being president of the USA, it has never been cooler to be black.

Michael Jackson must be kicking himself.

[Mike70]

What with Lewis Hamilton winning the F1 world championship and barack obama being president of the USA, it has never been cooler to be black.

Michael Jackson must be kicking himself.

:lol::lol:

that's the best of the three in my opinion.

[Cartma7546]

Oh my:stunned:

I think we have a winner.

Yeah i'm going to hell

[clanglee]

Ok. . this is the most offensive joke that I have heard in a while.

Why did the black jews have it the worst in Nazi Germany?

They had to stand at the back of the oven.

[capncnut]

I bought a Jade Goody calendar the other day. I'm taking the f**king thing back 'cos it only goes up to March...

[MinionZombie]

I bought a Jade Goody calendar the other day. I'm taking the f**king thing back 'cos it only goes up to March...
Oh dude I feel so bad for laughing at that ... ... oh man ...

[capncnut]

Oh dude I feel so bad for laughing at that ... ... oh man ...
I would normally frown upon jokes concerning cancer but Jade Goody is an irritating loudmouthed racist cow. If you think that's bad, check these gems out.

In fact I'm gonna hide these in case they offend. Don't say you haven't been warned.

Have you seen the latest edition of Hello magazine. “How I beat Jade Goody” by cervical cancer.

Jade Goody, Jack Tweed and the kids were walking in the park. Jade says “Is that snow on my shoulder?” Jack replies, “Well it’s not f**king dandruff!”

I hear Jack Tweed was sent to prison last year. Nice to know the police are cracking down on beastiality.

What’s Jade Goody getting for her birthday? Cremated.

Jade Goody wants to donate her organs to other patients after her death. They will be delivered in ‘Goody bags’.

Hear about the latest deal at Jade Goody’s salon? 20 quid for a bald c**t.

Newspapers are f**king useless. Everytime I read an article about Jade Goody, there’s a picture of Matt Lucas next to it.

I hear Jade Goody has cancer. It will be interesting to see which parasite wins.

Jade Goody has revealed that she wants her final moments broadcast live on television to promote cancer awareness. I hope nothing clashes with it.

And my favourite Jade joke EVER!

Jade Goody has converted to Islam in a bid to refute the claims of racism. Her new name is Yufat Fuqa.


I'm so going to hell for this post. :lol:

[MinionZombie]

Oh man ... save me a spot in hell, would ya? :eek::p

[Edison Carter]

2 for 1 Ladies get in free until 9

There once was a man from Nantucket
Whose cock was so long he could suck it
He said with a grin
As he wiped off his chin
If my ear were a cunt I could fuck it

There was a young lady from Kew
Who said, as the bishop withdrew
Oh, the Vicar is quicker
And thicker and slicker
And four inches longer than you

[capncnut]

Okay, I'm going to hell for this. Unravel the spoiler at your peril...


What's Jade Goody's new job?

Babysitting David Cameron's son.

[Dtothe3]

She's dead? Lets go!

---

I bought a Jade Goody calender. Got screwed, it only went upto May.

---

People have been invited to take a carrier to her Cremation. And take away a Goody bag.

---

There were more but I forgot :(

[capncnut]

Here's a load more for ya. :D




I bought a Jade Goody calendar the other day. I'm taking the f**king thing back 'cos it only goes up to March...

Have you seen the latest edition of Hello magazine. “How I beat Jade Goody” by cervical cancer.

Jade Goody, Jack Tweed and the kids were walking in the park. Jade says “Is that snow on my shoulder?” Jack replies, “Well it’s not f**king dandruff!”

I hear Jack Tweed was sent to prison last year. Nice to know the police are cracking down on beastiality.

What’s Jade Goody getting for her birthday? Cremated.

Jade Goody wants to donate her organs to other patients after her death. They will be delivered in ‘Goody bags’.

Hear about the latest deal at Jade Goody’s salon? 20 quid for a bald c**t.

Newspapers are f**king useless. Everytime I read an article about Jade Goody, there’s a picture of Matt Lucas next to it.

I hear Jade Goody has cancer. It will be interesting to see which parasite wins.

Jade Goody has revealed that she wants her final moments broadcast live on television to promote cancer awareness. I hope nothing clashes with it.

Jade Goody has converted to Islam in a bid to refute the claims of racism. Her new name is Yufat Fuqa.

What's Jade Goody's new job? Babysitting David Cameron's son.
Actually, is a tad stange how the top joke predicted that she would be dead by March. Was the creator in on something? Mmm...

Here's a few more:

What's the difference between Jade Goody a moped? A moped can reach 30.

What's got 12 legs and a c**t on it's shoulders? Jade Goody's pallbearers.

"New from Mattel. Jade Goody Barbie Doll. Complete with three interchangeable hairstyles, brunette, blond and bald. Pull the cord and hear famous phrases such as: 'Portugal, that's in Spain innit?' and 'Shilpa Poppadom!' Available at all good toystores for £29.99 - now with FREE wheelchair! Requires 8 AA Batteries, average battery life 27hrs."

[krakenslayer]

Q: What's pink and covered in cobwebs?

A: Madeline McCann's bike

Yup, I am going to hell. :p

[capncnut]

Yup, I am going to hell. :p
Me too.


What's David Cameron's least favourite film?

Silence Of The Prams!


Oh and what has 18 balls and 3 pubic hairs?

A Michael Jackson slumber party.

[Tricky]

So the German goalkeeper Robert Enke gets killed by a train.

That's what you call German efficiency.

If it was in Britain he would still be fucking standing there looking at his watch and tutting.

[kortick]

The love story of Ralph and Edna...

Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to,
doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One
day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool.
Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.

He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him
out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news.
The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt
right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'

Edna replied,
'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry.
How soon can I go home?'

[Tricky]

Whats the difference between marmalade & jam?


You cant marmalade your cock up your girlfriends arse..

[MinionZombie]

Whats the difference between marmalade & jam?


You cant marmalade your cock up your girlfriends arse..
:lol::lol::lol:

Brilliant.

[Tricky]

:lol::lol::lol:

Brilliant.

I went to see mr brown of the roy chubby variety last night,he gets a lot of bad press (even though "acceptable" comedians like frankie boyle are actually worse than he is!) but his act is hilarious if you can take it all with a pinch of salt :) anyway thats one of his jokes!

[Danny]

got a doozy texted to me a minute ago:

an ugly bloke walks into the pub with a big grin on his face. "what are you so happy about?" asks the landlord. "well, i live by the railway and on my way home last night, i noticed a woman tied to the tracks. i cut her free and we shagged all night. loads of sex! shagged her tits, even did her up the arse! i loved it."
"did you get a blowjob?" the barman asked.
"No", he says, "never found her head!"

[DjfunkmasterG]

There once was a man with one ball
whose wife drove him up a wall
He finally flipped
then killed the bitch
and went for a stroll in the mall.

[rongravy]

I like dead baby jokes too.
If someone here is bitching about them, I must be in the right perverted thread...

[Tricky]

You don't have to be good at anagrams to see that Pope Benedict is an Epic Bent Pedo.

[LouCipherr]

Q: What's red and has seven dents?
A: Snow White's cherry.


:p

[insinerator]

Looking for Hellen Keller jokes when i sfumbled on this thread. The funniest jokes ive found so far and hope this is a fitting place for my favorite joke of all times! Told to me by a good friend no longer with us . This is for you Wog.

How do you get a dog to stop humping your leg?.....
Pick if up and give it a blowjob.....��������

Hope that was vile enough for you to laugh as hard as I did when i heard it.
Cheers...