Divorce

[Chic Freak]

Has anyone on here been through a divorce or had their parents divorce? My mother called me on Saturday to say that Dad is divorcing her- I had to remain pretty clinical about it all until today as I was in the middle of an important job I couldn't afford to screw up (yes, I really am that heartless). My dad is working in the US so it's just my mum and 18 yo bro at home in Somerset. They are both really cut up over it and I'm going to basically look after them and stop them falling apart for a couple of days next week. It seems that my mum will shortly be going through the blind-rage-at-soon-to-be-ex-husband stage and will be getting angry at me too if I don't join in with her bitching him off, cry, vow never to speak to him again, etc etc. I refuse to take sides and I don't want to say anything I'd regret in the long-term just to keep the peace in the short-term. I still love both my parents and wish to keep up good relationships with them both. Does anyone have any tips on how to look after my mum, and help her understand that my not wanting to slag off my dad for his decision does not in any way mean that I love her less than I should? Your thoughts would be appreciated. Unless they're off the "it's their relationship so just butt out and let it blow over" variety, in which case you can piss off because my mum seriously needs my support right now, and probably that of others, if I can rope any in. Thanks!

[blind2d]

I've been through this at a somewhat young age, so I guess I can empathize with you. That said, it sounds to me like you're basically doing everything right. You know your family best, after all. Anyway, just make sure your parents know that you love them both equally no matter what decisions they may make. Also, don't avoid the issues, but don't go out of your way to draw attention to them, either. I'm sorry about your situation, and I care.

[Danny]

my mum and dad split when i was maybe 2 or 3 so i dont really remember, i just know her mum and dad were there for her, and she had her kids wereas my dad gave up the family and was left with nothing really. guess it just depends on the circumstances of why too yknow?, in my case he just left, and once sent a bloody basketball jersey and a crate of baked beans to us and never sent a word again, so it was easy to pick my mums side and comfort her, tell her she was better off and whatnot, but if it was a more amicable "falling out of love" or something theres really nothing you can do but be a shoulder for either to cry on really when its needed.

[FoodFight]

My parents divorced when I was 15 and I felt that both parents (my mother in particular) were trying to get me to side with each of them respectively. I tried not to be dragged into that mess, but since I was still a minor and was living with Mom at the time, I couldn't avoid it completely. You are fortunate in regards to being an adult and having real-life experiences with relationships which will only help in giving support to your mother and brother. Looking back my folks have now, 28 years later, found other partners and are able to be civil, if not cordial with each other. On a similar note, my 10-year relationship with my girlfriend ended this last summer (kind of like a divorce). All that I can say is that people sometimes grow apart and that staying together when one or both partners are unhappy and/or unwilling to try to make it work won't please anyone in the long run. Don't beat yourself up about postponing your efforts re your Mom. You will be there for her now that she needs you.

[Mike70]

sorry to hear about this chic and sorry i don't have much advice to give beyond what you seem to instinctively understand already: don't take sides. don't get caught in the middle and don't let either of them play you and your brother off against the other parent. this is probably going to be harder to do than say because whether we want to believe it or not most of us have a preference (be it ever so slight) for one parent. i have no exp with this sort of thing. my parents were married for over 40 years before my mom died but i was a total mama's boy (even though i am close with and love my dad) and i think that if they had gotten a divorce at some point, it would've been really, really hard for me not to take my mom's side.

[krakenslayer]

My mum and dad went through this when I was a kid. Yeah, it won't be long before the bitching and fighting starts - best thing to do is be straight with her and say something along the lines of "Look, he's my dad. I don't agree with what he's done (if there is any element of blame on his part) and I'm not taking his side. I totally understand how you feel and it's good to let off steam, but I'm not going to start attacking him too - it's a tough time for me too and that's the last thing I need. If the situation was reversed, I would do the same for you".

[Chic Freak]

Thank you so much for the replies everyone. I will probably be re-reading this thread a lot when I'm back home, it's nice to know plenty of other people have been through this too. "Look, he's my dad. I don't agree with what he's done (if there is any element of blame on his part) and I'm not taking his side. I totally understand how you feel and it's good to let off steam, but I'm not going to start attacking him too - it's a tough time for me too and that's the last thing I need. If the situation was reversed, I would do the same for you". I might actually make a note of this, it's really helpful, thank you <3

[krakenslayer]

I might actually make a note of this, it's really helpful, thank you <3 No worries. It's easy to forget when you're wrapped up in your own dramas that the middle is often the worst place to be in a divorce.

[Craig]

My mum and dad split when I was about 9 or 10 I think... wasn't pressured into picking sides and there was less fighting than when they were together so I guess I'm pretty lucky they were both so level-headed and clinical about it. Actually spent more time doing things with my dad afterwards than when they were still together. I only have a few memories of my dad before they split, none of them particularly nice. EDIT: Probably not much help to your situation, sorry. Just venting I guess.

[AcesandEights]

Sorry to hear, Chic. Obviously, this'll be a rough time for all, but it sounds like you've got a good idea of how to handle it. Keeping clear of any emotional shrapnel will be just about impossible, bt it sounds like your taking a good stance of being fair and impartial (when possible). I'm just happy you're of an age and stage of your life where such an upending emotional event like this won't completely scar and rearrange your early views on intimacy and relationship building, as is so often the case with children who are caught up in divorce.

[Chic Freak]

I'm just happy you're of an age and stage of your life where such an upending emotional event like this won't completely scar and rearrange your early views on intimacy and relationship building, as is so often the case with children who are caught up in divorce. Yes- I think I have a reasonably balanced view of love and relationships having been in one long-term relationship or another from the age of 14 (my second "proper" relationship being my current one with _liam_). I am more worried about my brother on that score as he has followed the more typical 16 - 18 yo path of having lots of short-term gfs and one-night stands (I think- we don't exactly sit around discussing our sex lives!), so I hope he doesn't internalise this as a template for his first really serious relationship. But I'll cross that bridge when I come to it! First up is taking the pressure of him looking after my mum and looking after them both for a couple of days until my total lack of funds mean I really have no choice but to go back to work

[DawnGirl27]

Chic - sorry I have no first-hand experience (my parents were married 40 years when my mom died), but you sound like you have a good head on your shoulders and are doing the right things. There has been a lot of good input by other members, and just know that you are being thought of and are not alone. We're here for you.

[kortick]

sorry to hear about this Amy. But i think u have it right, focus on being supportive and helping and not on blaming and bad mouthing a parent. also I think u do need to pay attention to your brother in this one. hes living at home and kinda trapped in this whole situation where you are not. and at times 18yr old males dont make the best decisions or are good with expressing emotions. but if u and him are close, it would be helpful to tell him that separate from what u do or say to others that u recognise this is tough on him. I wish the best for ALL of your family.

[Chic Freak]

just know that you are being thought of and are not alone. We're here for you. Thank you x also I think u do need to pay attention to your brother in this one. hes living at home and kinda trapped in this whole situation where you are not. and at times 18yr old males dont make the best decisions or are good with expressing emotions. but if u and him are close, it would be helpful to tell him that separate from what u do or say to others that u recognise this is tough on him. Thank you. We're close enough that I can say all that stuff. And you make a good point. I think he has quite a few female mates that I imagine he will be talking to more than his male ones, but I will be there being big sis asap.