Deadline - Original fiction

[Ivarr]

Here is a part of a story I am working on. I just want to see what you all think so far and if you have any "constructive" input. --------------------------------------------------------------- The Internet was wild with stories of people being attacked by crazed lunatics. The blog grape vine reports the attacks happening in various South American countries. Every dim bulb with a blog or a forum was going on and on with what they thought the truth was. Was it viral marketing? For what? Was it a Hoax? The fact that the only thing the networks reported about it were the stories on the internet re-enforced the idea that is was all bull****. None of the reports gave much information past the fact that the attacks involved bites and everyone knew somebody who knew somebody who had seen the attack or the victim firsthand. Paranoia web sites were in heaven. I found myself getting sucked into it like the plot of a bad movie. I didn't for a minute actually believe any of it. People do not get rabies and start biting people. I thought it more likely that a new variation of drug was hitting the market and was causing some people to lose it and go a bit nuts. But biting people? That didn't make any sense. That was until this morning. I got up and made coffee and headed to the shower wile it brewed. As I stepped out of the shower the beautiful smell of fresh coffee made me smile. I quickly dried myself and headed to the kitchen and poured myself a cup. I turned on the TV and put on the news wile I started to get dressed. What I saw stopped me in the middle of pulling up my pants. It was footage of a group of police facing off against what looked like accident victims. One was missing an arm, another half her face and a third one seemed to have an open stomach wound with intestine hanging out. Just as I started to process what I was seeing the police opened fire and the only one that fell was the one shot in the head. The others were quickly dropped in the same fashion. I had to have turned on a movie or the Sci-Fi channel by mistake. There was no way this was the local news. As I flipped around the channels to check other local stations I saw similar footage being broadcast and talked over by panicked news people. It was real. It was actually happening. I pulled my balcony curtain aside to look outside as I heard police sirens coming. I saw three cruisers blast past outside on the street and skid around the corner. Just as I was about to look away a fourth cruiser came down the road and skidded to a stop almost in front of my window. This was when I noted that there was a person staggering out of the woods across the street a few yards down the road. The cop jumped out of his car drawing his weapon and pointing it at the figure and began yelling something I couldn't hear. The figure the cop was yelling at was dressed in old dirty cloths and had his arms stretched as far over his head as he could... and he seemed to be yelling back at the cop. Just as the cop was lowering his gun a few more figures lunged out of the woods at the first, tackling him and dragging him to the ground. The cop opened fire and didn't seem to care if he hit the man who was attacked or his attackers. He emptied his pistol at them and then everything was quiet. After looking over the fallen he dropped heavily into his car and reached for his radio. I saw two more figures shamble out of the woods on the other side of his car toward the back and it was clear he didn't see them. I yanked on my balcony window and nothing happened... As fast as I could I flipped the lock and pulled on the door again and called out to the cop "Look out behind you!" just as the two people rounded the back of his car. As the cop turned and saw them he yanked his car door closed. His two attackers began beating on the side of the car and its roof. I heard glass break then I heard shots. The side of the building splintered as the bullet hit it right by my head. I fell backward and heard more shots ring out, but I could not see what was happening from the safety of my floor. The sound of wheels spinning on pavement made me look back out the window again just in time to see the police car rocketing backward with one of the strange attackers half out of the window and the other on his back on the road. The cruiser was swerving all over as it sped backwards up the road and cut right into a brick wall around a house up the street coming to a jarring halt. I stood there dumb struck looking at the wriggling figure hanging half inside the cop car window continued to move. A low moaning sound brought me out of it to see the attacker that had fallen on his back rocking to get up. As it stood I saw that the front of its coat was stained with blood and its jaw was hanging half off. It looked eyes with me and began a shambling walk toward me. I slammed my balcony door shut thanking God that I was on the second floor went to my kitchen. The aroma of the coffee I had brewed hung in the air and I poured a cup and was drinking it before I knew I had done it. I put the coffee cup down and started opening all my drawers looking for a weapon and finding nothing except an oversize steak knife. I gripped it tight in my hand and turned back toward the window but stopped when I heard some sounds coming from the hallway. My heart was beating so fast my chest was shaking. What was I going to do? I had to see what the noise was, so I gripped the doorknob and pulled open the door. to be continued.....

[Ivarr]

No one has any comments?

[zombieparanoia]

I think the first person POV takes some getting used to. It seems good but I almost expect it to say "If you choose to go down the dark hallway go to page 35, If you choose to go to the attic go to page 21" at some point.

[Ivarr]

I think the first person POV takes some getting used to. It seems good but I almost expect it to say "If you choose to go down the dark hallway go to page 35, If you choose to go to the attic go to page 21" at some point. I do get your point ... but that was not my goal. I was simply trying to get connected with the reader and bring them along with the action.

[rightwing401]

Perhapse delving more into the character's state of mind, such as what he's feeling (I'm assuming it's a he), how he's in the dark about everything and what that's doing to his thought process. Heart pounding in the chest helps to describe his nervousness, but you should expand on that a little more, like is it causing his body to shake badly and freeze up a bit, is it making him want to call someone, grab a weapon (like he did), or run and hide in the bathroom. Setting the atmosphere around the character can really help as well. Screams and gunshots going off all around can help emphasize the situation, while at the same time a light scraping of nails on the other side of the door, a light thuding of something weakly hitting the frame, or absolutely no new sound at all to his calls can greatly build the tension to him just turing that knob and having a peek. Well, I hope this response helps in some way. Good luck with the story.

[Ivarr]

First... I have to thank you both for the constructive feedback. Fear of internet flames has really kept me from posting things sooner. My confidence as a writer is a bit lower than it should be. Thank you again for the input.

[rightwing401]

One of the most important things I've learned in my years of writing is to write what you enjoy, meaning what feels right to you. If you try to write something that's contradictory to your own style, you'll be miserable and you're work will suffer because of it. You must remember to take every bit of feedback with a pinch of salt. Listen to what others think of your work, and use their opinions to help guide you in which direction you should go. But also remember, at the end of the day, they're just opinions and ideas of others. p.s. Once you get a response that starts as "You no talent MF", I guarantee everything else people tell you will be very easy to deal with.

[fartpants]

dont get dis-heartened bro, practise makes perfect