Serious Thread: Something about yourself that no-one else knew before

**mista_mo** · 23-Jan-2013

Well, I'm in school at the moment, and i am just not motivated to do my work. My marks were amazing first semester (I was on academic honours), but I just dont feel motivated to do the work. lack of interest I suppose. I'm just not enjoying college.

My mother died September 6th, 2011 from colon cancer. She was diagnosed with it for a year before she passed. The hospital called me at 6 in the morning and said that she had passed away during the night. I went to the hospital after I got the call and saw her body on the hospital bed. She looked so peaceful. I held her hand for around 20 minutes, and i just could not stop crying. I'll never get the image of her body on the bed out of my mind. I have a lot of regrets, and every day I think of what I could have done to make things better, and it tears me up inside knowing that ultimately, I was completely powerless.

I'll always remember the last time that I talked to her
"oh, Chris, it's you. How was your day sweetie? I'm sorry but I can't talk for long. I'm so tired, I think I'm going to go to sleep. I love you so much Kipper".

I really miss her.

**Danny** · 24-Jan-2013

Now the death of a family member is fresh for me.

About 2 months ago today i was round at my grandparents, my grandad had been ill for a couple of weeks, had the doctor around and we were staying to look after him. My mom took my gran and brother out while i stayed with him. I kept getting him drinks, making sure he was feeling okay and he seemed fine. I left the room for 10 minutes to get a drink and when i came back he was on his side, jaw slack and eyes rolled up into his head. Now you gotta understand i had a very traumatic childhood and have always suffered from a very serious case of anxiety disorder, if i have a panic attack im a wreck. At that moment i was steeled and focused. I had the paramedics on speaker, checked his throat for blockages and performed cpr for 40 minutes till the ambulance finally showed. My arms were on fire by then for applying repeated pressure to his chest in a rythm like you do.
I rang my mom and said "get home. now, i think we lost him". She showed up with my gran screaming. The paramedics said i got his pulse back and they took him in, but he died an hour later.

The next few days i felt like shit, like he had died on my watch and was suffering from aweful panic attacks. However this abated when we learnt he had an extreme variation of pneumonia with little outward symptoms but massive total organ failure on his internals and there was absolutely nothing i could have done. It didnt make me feel much better, but it was good to know there was nothing i did wrong by him yknow?

After people kept saying i was "so brave" or "did his grandad proud", but honestly i dont see it that way, the man was dying in my arms and i did what i would expect anyone to do.
The last thing he said was "god kid, im just so tired". My actual anxiety disorder makes it very hard for me to ever feel many negative emotions, i dont bury them, its just a way i adapted as a kid to deal with life so i understand when i should feel sad but its almost like being in a zoo watching animals when others are sad. i know what its like, but its still strange and alien to me in a way. if that makes sense. but you better believe i cried that night for the first time in 15 years, not much, but for me that was still a huge deal. I never had a proper father, he ran off when i was 3 so my grandad was basically my father figure and it honestly just feels so daunting that this strong, emotional man who has been a soldier, a firefighter and a mechanic who all the police for miles around went to for the worst crashes for support was just suddenly killed by an infection he caught when he hadnt gone out the house more than once in the last month. Its been on my mind a lot lately that its just so easy to just 'die', obvious really, but when you deal with things like his cane left behind and think "nobody needs this, is it just garbage now?" its a very sobering thought.

There. i shared. whos next?