Perverted Joke of the Day

[Mike70]

Really? There are American jokes? LOL. I've heard that joke, but the butt of the joke was a Mexican i believe. sure there are here are a few: How many wives does the average American husband have? Answer: 10, 1 at home and 9 in Utah. How many Americans does it take to buy a gallon of gas? Answer: 250,000 to seize it and one to pump it. Why do American wars always come in twos? Answer: The first one creates terrorists and the second one does too. How many Americans does it take to prosecute a sex crime? Answer: 535--435 in the House, 100 in the Senate Why do American 18-year-olds take sex education courses? A: So they can learn what they've been doing wrong for the past five years. Why does it take 3 Americans to change a lightbulb? A: One to stand on the ladder, and two to carry enough lightbulbs until one is found that isn't defective. How can an American be certain that the car he's just bought is actually new? A: When it's recalled by the factory. n a train car there were a Canadian, an American, a spectacular looking blonde and a frightfully awful looking fat lady. After several minutes of the trip the train happens to pass through a dark tunnel, and the unmistakable sound of a slap is heard. When they leave the tunnel, the American had a big red slap mark on his cheek. 1. The blonde thought - "That American son of a bitch wanted to touch me and by mistake, he must have put his hand on the fat lady, who in turn must have slapped his face" 2. The fat lady thought - "This dirty old American laid his hands on the blonde and she smacked him". 3. The American thought - "That damn Canadian put his hand on that blonde and by mistake she slapped me". 4. The Canadian thought - "I hope there's another tunnel soon so I can smack that stupid ****ing American again". The American navy is approaching the coast of newfoundland when they spot something on their radar: Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision. Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision. Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course. Canadians: No. I say again you divert YOUR course. Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES` ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP. Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call. A British doctor says: "The medicine in my country is so advanced that we can remove the brain of a man, put it in another man and make him get a job in six weeks." A German doctor says: "That's nothing. We can remove the brain of a person, put it in another one and prepare him for war in four weeks." The American doctor, not to be surpassed, says: "Friends, both of you are outdated. Recently we identified a man without a brain from Texas and placed him in the White House. Now we have half the country looking for a job and the other half preparing for war!"

[clanglee]

Ok then, that first one is just silly. The next 4 are hilarious. The next 2, oh come on. The next one is an oldie. I first heard it as an Irishman slapping an Englishman. The lighthouse one, I get where it's funny and all, just. . . meh. That last one made me snort tho!!

[kortick]

I liked them. They are funny. here are some Canada ones, I have to hear these all the time from a friend in Canada his jokes about America are WAY more nasty. The bitch. this one: An Englishman, a Canadian and an American were captured by terrorists. The terrorist leader said: "Before we shoot you, you will be allowed last words. Please let me know what you wish to talk about." The Englishman replied: "I wish to speak of loyalty and service to the crown." The Canadian replied: "Since you are involved in a question of national purpose, national identity, and secession, I wish to talk about the history of constitutional process in Canada, special status, distinct society and uniqueness within diversity." The American replied: "Just shoot me before the Canadian starts talking." and: How many Canadians does it take to screw in a light bulb? Just one, and a 24-pack of beer. (Once the room starts to spin...) and: Every nation in attendance at an international symposium on elephants had to deliver a report on the animals. France's report: "The Love Life of an Elephant." America saw the economic values in: "Raising Elephants for Fun and Profit." Great Britain had their own unique view: "The Elephant and the British Empire." The Canadian report was, of course, typically Canadian... "The Elephant: A Federal or Provincial Responsibility?" and: A Jewish person, an American and a Canadian were riding in a car together and were involved in a very bad accident. The ambulance took them all to hospital together but they were just barely alive....as a matter of fact all three expired in the same operating room while doctors were working on them. Suddenly the three of them appeared in the clouds at St. Peters Gate and as they approached, St. Peter gestured to the American and said, "If you give me fifty dollars I'll send you back....you are too young to be up here so soon." The American whipped out fifty bucks and....poof! He jumped off the operating table in perfect conition! Not a scratch on him. The doctors were amazed and asked him how come? He said that all he knew is that the three of them were "up there" with St. Peter and when St. Peter asked him for fifty bucks to send him back....he paid it and....poof! Here he was! The doctors couldn't help but be amazed and asked him, "You say those other two were up there with you?" (They were on the next two operating tables in the room) The American said "Yes they were." The doctors then asked him, "Well what about them? Are they coming back too? What were they doing when you left?" The American said, "Well, all I can say is when I looked back at them just before I left the Jewish guy was arguing about the price and the Canadian was waiting for the government to pay for his!"

[ZombiePrototype]

I just want to let everyone know that I didn't make this joke up I heard it on the radio. What do Santa Claus and child molesters have in common? They bot have sacks they need to empty.

[SymphonicX]

OK now we're scraping the bottom of the barrel i'll put my two pennies in... A kid looks up to his dad and says "dad, what's a degenerate?" the dad replies "shut up and keep s*cking" Why was pinnochio so popular with the ladies? f*ck nose. What would Princess Di be doing now if she was alive? Clawing at her coffin lid. Why do women get periods? Because they deserve it. A kid walks into the woods with a child mole ster the kid says "gee mister, its dark in there, I'm scared" the man replies, "you're scared? I gotta walk out of here alone!" ok enough from me

[clanglee]

that reminds me of some of the "mommy mommy" jokes. "Mommy Mommy!!! Why am I running around in circles?" "Shut Up kid or I'll nail your other foot to the floor." or "Mommy Mommy!! There's something in Daddy's eye!!" "Shut up Kid and eat around it!!" that one works well for this site.

[IRA_LCPL]

A man works in an office and one day he complains to his co-workers that his elbow hurts, His co-worker then replies 'theres a new machine down at the pharmacy you put in a Urine sample and $5 it tells you exactly whats wrong with you within 5 minutes." "Bull****e" the first man says. "Alright tell you what if you dont abelieve me Ill give you the cash and when it tells you I want you to come back in and give me back $10 as a bet" The first man takes the rest of the day off and hits the Pharmacy to try out this Wounder machine. about 3 minutes later a readout printed off and said " Diagnosis tennis elbow Keep heat on it and do not use it to stressfully." thats amazing the man replies. He heads home and starts thinking he makes his wife his daughter and his dog piss in a cup and Jerks off in it for good measuer. The next morning he stops back into the Pharmacy and pours in hi little cocktail. 5 minutes pass and the readout that comes out says "Your daughter is doing Blow your wife is Pragnant (its not yours) and your dog has worms. Also if you dont quit Wanking your elbow will never get better"

[Danny]

oh ive got two bad jokes. 1: how do you get 100 dead babies in a bucket? - with a blender! 2: How do you get them out the bucket? - With Tortilla Chips!

[SymphonicX]

oh ive got two bad jokes. 1: how do you get 100 dead babies in a bucket? - with a blender! 2: How do you get them out the bucket? - With Tortilla Chips! Slight variation on those two - What's the best thing about putting a baby in a blender feet first? You get to see the expression on it's face... How do you get it out again? Doritos! What's red and pink and sits in the corner? a baby with a razor blade What's green, smells and sits in the corner? Same baby after two weeks...

[capncnut]

Gianni Versace, Freddie Mercury and Princess Diana are standing at the pearly gates. God looks at all three and says "Only one of you can come with me to heaven. Each of you must tell me why I should allow you to join my celestial family." Versace walks up to God and says, "I could design a whole new wardrobe for you and all your angels. Here, look what I have done already..." God looks at the designs and says, "Very good. Mr Mercury, how about you?" Freddie walks up to God and says, "I was one of the most celebrated songwriters on Earth and I could write some new hymns. Here, look what I have done already..." God looks at the hymns and says, "Very good. Diana, how about you?" Diana walks up to God, saying nothing. She pulls out a full bottle of Evian and inserts the top of it into her crotch. With a grimace, she sucks up all of the water, holds it for a second and then flushes it out of her asshole. God applauds Diana and says, "Now that is INCREDIBLE! I choose you to join me in heaven, my child." Versace and Freddie are baffled. "Well, that's not fair..." God turns to them both and says, "Unfair, it might be but you two should know that a royal flush will always beat a pair of queens." Okay, throw rocks at me.

[clanglee]

oh good stuff there.

[mista_mo]

whats the difference between a dodge viper and a pile of dead babies? I don't have a dodge viper in my garage. How do you stop a baby from crying? Stick it in the oven. whats black blue and red? a baby in the care of a british nanny.

[Mike70]

y'all are some profoundly sick puppies. i salute each and every one of you.

[Neil]

Mickey Mouse is in court, trying to get divorced from Mini Mouse... The judge has a look of just utter confusion on his face, and in the end says, "Look Mickey, just come up here again and explain to me why you want to get devorced from Mini Mouse!". So Mickey goes up to the Judge and explains yet again why he wants to get divorced. The Judge, still looks a baffled, "So you want to get divorced because she has big teeth?" Mickey looks annoyed, "No!!!!!!!! She's F*CKING Goofy!!!!"

[mista_mo]

A women starts a conversation with a man... "so, what do you think of dis-" Her voice is silenced by a quick slap to the face. The man looks down upon her with a furious look on his written across his face, as tears blend with her mascara and stream down her cheeks. "get back in the f*cking kitchen" Whats the difference between a man and a women? a 2 foot long chain connecting the women to the oven.