New Idea

**Danny** · 10-Dec-2006

screw that man ,let him blow his top, akira style

TETSUOOOOOO!!!

...sorry to much robot chicken.

**rightwing401** · 12-Dec-2006

I do appreciate Alive Man's concern. An invincible character with unlimited power does make for a boring read. But I'm also sort of on the level that hellsing is on. The child would need to be able to wield enough power to (at the very least eventually) pose a threat.
And Alive Man, I think the problem here is that you might have misunderstood what I meant when I said controlling hundreds of zombies. Since the living dead are in effect dumber than most animals, they can be far more easily manipulated. For example, if the there was some one or a group of people that he wanted to take care of, all he would have to do is give any zombie that he saw a tiny mental push to go in the direction of living. In accordance to the follower effect, more and more would fall in behind those first few, thus you have a chain reaction where potentially thousands of zombies are following the will of a single individual, even though the said person isn't controlling all of them.

**suicide22** · 29-Apr-2007

**Exatreides** · 29-Apr-2007

Good idea, this brings up one of my old ideas.. Maybe I will take to pen with it. Basicly the virus can create either the slow/fast dumb zombies. Or create a intelegent branch of the undead "overlords" that can command the rotting masses. The intelegent zombies would all very in how they act and are, but try to stay away from lace wearing ann rice smart vampire stuff.

How is the town not overrun with the undead? IE how do they make it to the point where the mayor can send them out. And why them?

**rightwing401** · 29-Apr-2007

Not to sound crude, suicide, but you really should have made the post in a seperate thread. You had me confused with the storyoutline because as I was reading through it I was trying to figure out what relevnce it had to this thread's story concept.
But since it is posted, I'll see what advice I can give to you.
First and foremost, grammer. Reading through your post, I can see that you need to pay a little more attention to gramatical errors. 'Their' instead of 'there' is just one example. Read through your post again carefully and I'm sure that you'll notice the rest. Trust me, I know from first had experience that even a great story can be completely shattered by bad grammer.
Second, the plot. While you do have a good running here, it is essential that you make a very good explanation for why the three main characters are in the position that they are. Maybe I'm just speaking for the older crowd of writers and readers here, but nothing raises red flags more than the quentesential teen hero. You have to have a very good explanation for why the mayor of the town would send out a trio of teens rather than a group of trained officers and/or national guard/town militia. The only possibility that even comes to my mind is that they are all armed with really bad, non-essitial equipment for the town's defense (such as a single shot 12 guage breechloader, ect.), and that the mayor would consider them expendable.
Third, you need good explanations for why the situation was able to deteriorate to the point of the breech. If there are guards around barricades all around the town, more than not they won't overlook a potential breech in the line. Neglegence, in-fighting, carelessness are just some of the possibilities for why the dead got in. Simply saying that they got in because they got in is kind of mundane.
Finally, make sure that you don't make the entire story living vs. livind dead. That kind of makes the story just a little too black and white. Remember, the one theme that Romero stated in all of his movies was that the dead were able to triumph in the end because of the inability of humanity to cooperate.
Hopefully these tips will help you to craft a really good tale. Good luck on your story.

**suicide22** · 29-Apr-2007

**deadpunk** · 29-Apr-2007

I think I've read enough to know...I don't want to read it.

Nothing personal, but like the man says: teen heroes?

**suicide22** · 29-Apr-2007

**deadpunk** · 29-Apr-2007

Honestly? For something you first procclaimed to be a short treatment, you seem to have way too many characters, plots, sub-characters, and sub-plots... But, what do I know?

Off to unsubscribe to this thread...

**suicide22** · 29-Apr-2007

**Exatreides** · 29-Apr-2007

Eh, pump out a page or so of what you have. Make sure the grammar is decent, and everything like that. Give it a chance DP, albeit a small one.

**losherman** · 30-Apr-2007

i think what D is saying exa is he shouldnt have to give it a chance.......he should

WANT

to read it and he dont, cant really say as i blame him for that it doesnt sound very interesting.

**rightwing401** · 30-Apr-2007

Look, I'm a fair guy. Suicide, if you can make a captivating plot that has a group of very captivating characters that have a lot of depth, then this tale can be a good read, regardless of the main teen characters.
And far be it from me to tell another author how to write their own work, but I really hope that the grammer of the tale is good. I hate to be a nit picker, but you've got quite a few mistakes in your posts, which I hope isn't how you really write. Like I said earlier, a lot of grammer errors will turn people off from a story, regardless of how good it is.
Take the first page of your tale, post it in a seperate thread. I'll read over it and give you honest constructive critisim.