Perverted Joke of the Day

[DjfunkmasterG]

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work. Her nine year old son comes home unexpecedly, sees them and hides in the closet to watch. The husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already. The boy says, "dark in here". The man says, "yes it is." Boy: "I have a baseball." Man: "that's nice". Boy: "want to buy it?" Man:"no thanks" Boy: "my dad's outside" Man: "how much?" Boy: "$250" In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet again together. Boy: "dark in here." Man: "yes it is." Boy: " I have a baseball glove," Lover: remembering the last time, how much? Boy: "$750" Man: "sold" A few days later , the dad says to the boy, "grab your ball and glove, lets go outside and play catch." The boy says , "I can't, I sold my ball and glove." The dad asks, "how much did you sell them for?" Boy: "$1000" The dad says, "that's terrible to over charge your friends like that", that's more than those two things cost, I'm taking you to church, to confession." They go to church, the dad makes the son sit in the confessional and closes the door. The boy says "dark in here." The priest says, "don't start that sh1t again, you're in my closet now."

[MissJacksonCA]

Oh damn that's funny I demand MORE MORE MORE

[SRP76]

A man comes running into a bar just before evening rush, a desperate look in his eyes. The barkeep looks up from wiping his counter, and the man runs up to him, demanding..... MAN: Hey, where's your restroom?! It's an emergency! BARKEEP: Ahh, relax. It's just down the hall. He casually jerks his thumb in the direction of the short hall behind him, and the man speeds away. The barkeep sighs, and continues to go about the business of setting things in order for the evening rush. He is lost in his work, until.... MAN: AAAAAARAGAAYAYAYAYAAAAAHHHHH!!! The barkeep, shocked, jumps up and looks down the hallway. BARKEEP: What the hell was THAT?! Cautiously, the barkeep begins to walk down the hall. Suddenly.... MAN: WAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!! The barkeep jumps again, frightened by the maniacal wailing. He darts down the hall, calling.... BARKEEP: Mister! Hey, buddy, you all right back here?! Coming to the end of the hall, the barkeep turns to face the restroom door. As he reaches out to open it..... MAN: YAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRGHH!!! From behind him. The barkeep lets out another yelp of surprise, and wheels around the face the closet door. He yanks it open, and, in the darkness, he sees the man seated with his face in his hands, crying miserably. BARKEEP: Hey, fella, what's the matter? You okay? What happened? MAN (sobbing): I...I....I couldn't see, but I could feel the toilet, and sat down. Not a moment too soon! Like I said, it was an emergency... BARKEEP: Alright, alright. But what's with all the screaming? MAN (still bawling): Well, everything was fine until I finished. I reached back and pulled the lever to flush....and something reached up from the bowl and squeezed by balls! BARKEEP: .............. MAN: And then, I tried again. I pulled the lever.....and my balls got crushed again! BARKEEP: ............ MAN: It happened a third time, and....and...and then...that's when you showed up. The barkeep looks down at the man with disdain. Shaking his head in disgust, he says..... BARKEEP: You stupid son of a bitch, get off my mop bucket.

[Marie]

The Alabama preacher said to his congregation, 'Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness From God and this Christian Family.' No one moved. The preacher continued, 'Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression.' Again all was quiet. Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, 'Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets.' The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared!

[wyvern1096]

Chili Cook-Off If you can read this whole story without laughing, then there's no hope for you. I was crying by the end. This is an actual account as relayed to paramedics at a chili cook-off in Texas. Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park. Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL. Frank: 'Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge 3.' Here are the scorecard notes from the event: CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick. Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild. Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the heck is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy. CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN 'S AFTERBURNER CHILI Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang. Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously. Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face. CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers. Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting drunk from all of the beer. CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing. Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili. Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. woman is starting to look HOT ... just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac? CHILI # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive. Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement. Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them. CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers. Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic. Superb. Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone. CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers. Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment.**I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably. Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach. CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence. Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili? Judge # 3 - No Report

[MissJacksonCA]

That chili thing was awesome! I've never experienced anything like people in Texas... for the love of Pete these people put hot peppers in everything and cayenne pepper in everything. The local market has these Texas twister things... its death waiting to strike... its a chicken breast soaked in a 'secret' hot sauce for days... then its wrapped in jalepeno peppers soaked in more hot sauce... then its wrapped in bacon which again.... soaked in hot sauce... makes grown men I respect cry... but yeah i'm amazed by Texans... nothings hot to them their moms must fill their baby bottles with hot sauce...

[Marie]

The chili thing had me in tears, here's the best I can do today A Dog Story Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle. The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time. The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return. Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them, 'The first one who can use the words 'liver' and 'cheese' together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me.' The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says, 'I love liver and cheese.' 'Oh, how childish,' said the Poodle. 'That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever.' She turns to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and says 'How well can you do?' 'Um. I HATE liver and cheese,' blurts the Golden Retriever. 'My, my,' said the Poodle. 'I guess it's hopeless. That's just as dumb as the Lab's sentence.' She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, 'How about you, little guy?' The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is the Taco Bell Chihuahua. He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says ...... 'Liver alone. Cheese mine.'

[wyvern1096]

That chili thing was awesome! I've never experienced anything like people in Texas... for the love of Pete these people put hot peppers in everything and cayenne pepper in everything. The local market has these Texas twister things... its death waiting to strike... its a chicken breast soaked in a 'secret' hot sauce for days... then its wrapped in jalepeno peppers soaked in more hot sauce... then its wrapped in bacon which again.... soaked in hot sauce... makes grown men I respect cry... but yeah i'm amazed by Texans... nothings hot to them their moms must fill their baby bottles with hot sauce... You want a nuclear experience? Ask for "hotter salsa" in a resturant in Mexico. They live for that question from tourists. I was positive I'd eaten live coals. I drank the water out of the dang flower vase trying to cool my mouth. Keep in mind that I grew up in Nevada, I was used to hot food.

[IRA_LCPL]

Try Actual Creole food from Louisiana THAT is like Molten steel. But so damn good

[Marie]

Short but sweet... Well funny anyway... Smart Uncle John" One of the smartest men I ever met was Uncle John. One day I saw him dragging a 25 foot chain out the front gate, and I asked him what he was doing. "I'm taking this chain to town to get it fixed," Uncle John replied. "Why are you dragging it?" I foolishly asked. "Ever try pushing one?" John countered.

[wyvern1096]

A female officer arrests a drunk. She warns him, "You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be held against you." The drunk replies, "Boobs."

[clanglee]

A traveling salesman is walking down a country road when he sees something that makes him stop in his tracks. In the pen next to an old farmhouse was the most pitiful looking pig the man had ever seen. The pig was missing two legs, wore an eyepatch, and was missing a large chunk of flesh from its hindquarters. The man walked over to the pig and was amazed at how well the pig could get around on his little peglegs. "How is this pig even alive? I just have to ask about this" The salesman knocked on the farmhouse door, and in a short while, and old grizzled farmer opened it. "Help ya Sir?" the farmer said, squinting at his unexpected visitor. "Yes sir, I was just passing through when I noticed your pig there. I just have to know what happened, what's the story with that pig?" "Awww hell, Elmer? That's a real special pig there. One time, bout 3 years back, our woodstove caught fire. Durn near burned the house down around us whiles we were sleepin'. We woulda died for sure if Elmer hadn't come running in the house a snorting and a squealin'. Woke everyone up. Hell of a pig. Then last year my daughter was swimmin' in the pond over yonder. She musta got too deep, cause she started flailin around like crazy. Before I even noticed what was goin on, Elmer ran past me straight into the water. He swam out there, and grabbed my daughter's arm in his little snout and dragged her right out of the water. Saved her life, sure as hell. I tell ya Sir, that's one special pig." Amazed, the salesman said " Wow!! That's an amaing story Sir. He sure does sound like an amazing pig. What I really wanted to know though, was why is he all wounded up like that? Did he save yall from a bear or somethin'?" "Oh, that." The farmer said. "Nah, weren't no bear." "Well what was it then?" "Well sir, what you have to understand is. . . You can't eat a pig that special all at once."

[kortick]

this one is old George Bush happens to be touring prisons of the country with law enforcement officials when he comes upon the cell of OJ Simpson. the president says to him "excuse me, mr simpson, but it it true about what I heard about black men being well endowed?" OJ laughs and says "sure is, and cuz your the president I'm gonna tell you what you can do to help you get bigger" so the president listens as OJ tells him "every night before bed, take your willy and smack it against the bed post at the foot of the bed 3 times. you notice a difference in a week or two" So every night the President sneaks into the bedrooom and does that, "smack, smack, smack" One night he comes into the white house bed room and it is dark, so he takes it out and feels around the room till he is at the foot of the bed "smack, smack, smack" All of a sudden in the dark he hears his wife, Laura say "OJ? Is that you...?"

[Mike70]

an australian, an american and a canadian are drinking in a bar. the australian drains his drink, smashes the glass and says "where i'm from there is so much sand that glasses are a dime a dozen. the american drains his drink, smashes the glass and says, "where i am from we are so rich that glasses are a dime a dozen. the canadian drains his drink, puts his glass down on the bar, shoots the american then turns to the australian and says, "yeah, well where i'm from it's americans that are a dime a dozen.

[clanglee]

Really? There are American jokes? LOL. I've heard that joke, but the butt of the joke was a Mexican i believe.