Script Advice

[krakenslayer]

Here's an excerpt from the start of a short (non-zombie) horror script I've just started writing. It's coming together okay in plot and descriptive terms but my biggest problem is always dialogue. I can never put my finger on exactly what is wrong with it but it just doesn't seen natural. I'd be happy to hear any comments on exactly what it is I'm doing wrong and, even better, how to remedy the situation: 1. PRESENTATION CREDITS appear on a black background. Low, ominous TITLE MUSIC drones. Suddenly, a sharp burst of sound and a JUMP CUT, appearing so briefly as to be almost subliminal: a plastic bag is pulled violently across a WOMAN’S face from behind. An immediate cut back to the quiet, black TITLE SCREEN. The next CREDIT appears, hangs on screen for a few seconds. Then… Bang. Another JUMP CUT, appearing for longer by a few milliseconds: the WOMAN thrashes around, her ATTACKER (who we barely see) rains blows on her with a short length of lead pipe. Back to the title screen, more credits. The entire opening sequence plays out like this – credits appearing on black, low music, inter-cut with loud irregular bursts of violent ferocity, setting the scene for our story: A WOMAN is captured by a mysterious attacker (who we will call the KILLER), incapacitated, kidnapped and beaten. Towards the end of the title sequence, the flashes of violent action become gradually longer (but never more than a couple of seconds in length) as the AMBIENT MUSIC grows in intensity, building the tension towards… 2. Int. Killer’s Home – Hallway Night The final CREDIT leaves the screen with a MUSIC STING. Silence. A CLOSE SHOT of the semi-conscious WOMAN’S face. Young, about mid-20s and probably quite pretty under normal circumstances, she is bruised and bloodied and sprawled upon a protective plastic sheet on the floor. What was once a pretty summer dress is ragged and covered in mud. Her hair sticks to her face, caked in tears and blood, and her erratic breathing comes in short, sharp sobs of misery. She looks close to death. A shadow falls across her. Although she is barely lucid, she instinctively tries to curl up in anticipation of another attack. Out of shot, the KILLER grumbles under his breath: KILLER (mumbling, out of shot) Filthy whore… think you’re so pretty with your lashes and your… face… your slut clothes… The KILLER reaches down and wraps the transparent sheeting around the helpless WOMAN, fastens it with duct tape, then begins to drag her out of shot. The CAMERA TURNS to follow them. The KILLER is dragging her by the feet towards a door at the far end of the hallway. This is our first good look at him – he is in his mid-to-late thirties and somewhat overweight. He is not a Jason or a Leatherface, he is someone you might pass in the street. Beyond this, his appearance doesn’t matter much KILLER (mumbling) …cut it out of you… drown it out of you… drown the whore out of you… filthy tramp… The KILLER reaches the end of the hallway and pushes open the door to: 3. Int. Killer’s Home – Basement Night Light floods in through the opening door at the top of the dark staircase. Framed in the doorway, the KILLER drops the WOMAN’S legs and grabs the plastic around her face, lifting the top of her body off the floor. He stares angrily into her glazed eyes and speaks directly to her. KILLER Can you hear me? Can you hear me!? The WOMAN seems unable to answer, but she blinks and grimaces at the sound of his voice. KILLER Well, I hope you can breathe in there. I’m not done with you. He throws her onto the stairs and, with a kick, sends her tumbling down into the darkness below. The WOMAN lands on the hard floor of the basement with a thud. The cellar, lit only through the open doorway, has been cleared out and prepared for some sinister purpose – a mattress, a tin bath and a locked cabinet are the only furnishings visible. Instinctively, the WOMAN tries to retreat further from the menacing figure silhouetted in the doorway. Hindered by the tightly wrapped sheet around her, she only succeeds in dragging herself like a worm against the rusty old bath. With a malicious snort of disdain, the KILLER throws shut the cellar door and locks it from outside. The cellar is thrown into near-pitch darkness. The sound of the KILLER’S footsteps receed. The only noise is the WOMAN’S laboured, shallow gasps of breath, which gradually slow and deepen to a more comfortable rhythm as she drifts towards unconsciousness…

[krakenslayer]

4. DARKNESS. The crunch of footsteps on gravel. A voice, a word, muffled, inaudible. We are viewing the scene through the WOMAN’S POV. The blackness melts to grey. A MYSTERIOUS MAN, blurred and indistinct stands over her. He utters something – a single syllable – a question, but we cannot hear it properly. It is as if the world is being viewed through dirty soundproofed glass. The MYSTERIOUS MAN crouches over her and reaches out. The WOMAN whimpers. Suddenly, the dim veil is torn off of our perception as the MYSTERIOUS MAN rips open the plastic sheet around the WOMAN and sound and light flood back into the world. Int. Ruined Train Station Timeless CLOSE ON WOMAN’S face as she suddenly comes to life, gasping and shaking like a newborn baby. Her eyes ablaze with animalistic fear. MYSTERIOUS MAN Kate, Kate, it’s okay! It’s me Kate! Look at me. Look at me. It’s only me. KATE’S eyes focus on his face and her expression of horror melts into one of utter confusion and incredulity. She pulls her arms free of her torn bonds and reaches out her trembling hands to touch his face. KATE (perplexed) Nicholas, you’re… what are you doing here…? Before he can answer, KATE throws her arms around him and they embrace. Tears begin to stream down her face. NICHOLAS I’ve come to help you. KATE (weeping) I’m… I was dying. He was killing me. You… (pause)… Where are we!? NICHOLAS breaks the embrace and hurriedly sets about freeing her from the remains of her plastic cocoon. KATE No, no. This isn’t right. Nick, you’re… asleep. You can’t be here. I can’t be here. I was in a cellar and now I’m here. (pause) I know this place. NICHOLAS helps her clamber to her feet. KATE Am… am I dead? NICHOLAS looks searchingly into her eyes. NICHOLAS (gentle, sincere) That doesn’t frighten you at all, does it? Death is the only thing you’re not frightened of. KATE Nicholas, are you… Oh God, it’s my fault… NICHOLAS Don’t be silly, I’m not a ghost, for chrissakes. And neither are you. (looks over shoulder) Not yet, anyway. (pause) You said you knew this place. Something from your childhood, am I right? A WIDE SHOT. Our first good look at the current location – large, enclosed space. Old brick walls daubed in decades-old graffiti, two platforms separated by a twenty-foot gap, stunted vegetation reaching upwards into shafts of light filtering down from high above. Vast black tunnels lead off into darkness. Dilapidation and urban decay. KATE (confused) No… I mean, yeah, but this place doesn’t… exist anymore. I used to come here to hide away when I was a kid. It’s the old station under the Botanic Gardens, but they… I thought they filled in the tunnel years ago. NICHOLAS (understanding) Maybe they did, but you remember it, and that’s enough. As creepy as this old place is, you remember it as a safe place, a place where you’d come to hide. A new wave of fear and confusion surges over KATE, almost as if she has touched on some kind of realisation but is unable face it. NICHOLAS puts his arm around her and looks into her with an expression of deepest pity. KATE (frightened) What’s happening to me? Tell me! How did you get here? Why are we here!? NICHOLAS (sorrowful) I’m sorry, but I think you know, don’t you? KATE If I’m not dead… and if this place doesn’t exist… then… I never left that basement… and this… NICHOLAS …is all in your head. KATE pulls away from him, and backs up against the cold wall. KATE (horrified) It’s not over…? NICHOLAS (sympathetic) I’m afraid not. (pause) In fact, the worst is still to come. KATE’S tears begin to flow again. KATE I can’t… I can’t do this. I can’t anymore. NICHOLAS (gently) Kate, you’re not even trying! You think it’ll be easier to just die and get it over with, the pain, the humiliation… the guilt, am I right? A trapped-looking KATE stares back at him. NICHOLAS shakes his head. He reaches out his hand and she takes it, hesitantly. NICHOLAS You’ve got to survive, Kate. I’ve gotta tell you, there are things down here that you can’t even conceive of. Things that could make your suffering at the hands of that nut-bag up there seem like a fucking foot-rub. (pause) And they’re coming, they’re coming now. KATE No, it’s not real. None of this is real. You’re not real. You’re just… a dream, or a figment of my subconscious or something. NICHOLAS (smiles, perplexed) Christ… wow…! Maybe you’re right. That’s deep. Either I’m lying in a hospital bed having an out of body experience inside your brain, or… I’m just a fabrication of your imagination. As NICHOLAS speaks, KATE turns away briefly, taking in her surroundings. When she turns back a moment later NICHOLAS has, impossibly, disappeared. Uncomprehending, she stares at the empty space where he used to be. KATE Nic… Suddenly, NICHOLAS is lunging over her from behind. NICHOLAS (screaming) Screeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaggghh!! KATE screams, tries to stumble away. NICHOLAS hideous death-scream melts into a gale of uncontrollable laughter. KATE, juggling the emotions of terror, rage and amusement, starts punching him in the shoulder. KATE You bastard!! NICHOLAS (laughing) I’m sorry, I couldn’t help it! KATE How did you DO that!? NICHOLAS (regaining his composure) Hey, at least now you know, right? KATE What!? NICHOLAS (grinning) If I was just a part of your imagination, you’d have known I was going to do that. Right? Am I right? KATE pauses, making a concerted effort to grasp the situation. KATE Okay… so if I accept you’re really Nicholas… what else is real? What’s happening up there, the fat man. Is that the dream? NICHOLAS (serious now) He’s real. It’s all real. Just on different… levels, it’s difficult even for me… Above them, in the rafters, roosting birds are startled and scatter in a flurry of motion. KATE spasms in a sudden, painful, involuntary jolt. An icy wind howls out of the tunnels. NICHOLAS (frightened) Oh shit… KATE This is not funny! NICHOLAS I’m not laughing! NICHOLAS reaches into his jacket and produces a powerful flashlight torch. NICHOLAS You’re not ready to see this. Don’t look. Turn away – NOW! NICHOLAS puts his hand across KATE’S face, shielding her eyes and turning her head away from the black void of the tunnel entrance. KATE Nick, what the fuck…!? Ignoring her protestations, NICHOLAS fires up the torch and flashes its bright beam into the black tunnel. Int. Deeper Tunnel Timeless CREATURE’S POV. Far from the two protagonists. From here, the illuminated part of the underground station stands out against the pitch darkness as a glowing semicircle, with the distant figures of NICK and KATE framed in the middle. NICK sweeps the flashlight beam around the tunnel, towards us. As it cuts across our field of vision, the light is blinding. WHITE FADE back to… Int. Ruined Station Timeless NICHOLAS switches off the torch. NICHOLAS It’s still far away… but it’s coming. KATE For God’s sake, talk straight! What’s coming? He starts to back away, putting a firm hand on KATE’S shoulder. NICHOLAS I’ll tell you what I know on the way. KATE Where are we going? NICHOLAS Wherever it’s not, come on…

[MinionZombie]

First of all, be careful not to put too much online. Second - onto the topic - aye, dialogue is always a tricky one. Basically, what I do anyway, is just go over and over the dialogue - and importantly - saying it out loud helps (so I find), because at least from a practical stance you can find out if it's actually speakable, or if you're getting tongue-tied saying it. Also, you can semi-act it out, and therefore put inflections where you need them. With dialogue, it's about writing what's believable - i.e. what real people would actually say - more often than not, people might leave information out, or forget things - people also shorten a lot of their words. Speaking of shortening - shortening the dialogue often helps add some punch to things - you might have said something in two lines in the first draft, but come the second draft you look at it and you can say the exact same in one line, and it flows so much better. An example here is that last line: NICHOLAS Wherever it’s not, come on… That could be shortened to just "Wherever it's not." - for added, end-of-scene punch. Another thing is trying to put emotion into the characters, it can be quite tricky from the point of view of the writer, who is almost like an all-knowing god-like character - you've already mapped out what happens, so the broad strokes of the script aren't surprising to you, and you know what's happening in your script (e.g. a zombie apocalypse) ... it's about putting yourself in your character's shoes when writing them - what do they know? How would they feel about these things? How might they react to this situation? And so on. With names, you have to get everybody to say each other's names a few times here and there - but not gratuitously - if people have known each other for a while, or a long time, they don't call each other by name all the time - so it's about finding the right moments to use names in the dialogue - the audience needs to know them, otherwise you get like Yawn04 where there are literally characters with no name, or whose name is only mentioned fleetingly long after they've been introduced. Basically - it's about doing multiple run-throughs of the dialogue to finesse it, as well as making sure you say what you need to (in terms of plot and characterisation) with as little extraneous dialogue as possible, and trying to write it how people really would say it in real life. It's kind of like with drawing & painting - a lot of people draw and paint what they think they see (e.g. a house, or a tree) - i.e. what they think that house should look like, or that tree should look like ... rather than what it really actually looks like. That lesson can be transferred to writing dialogue. You might be able to see on YouTube, that there was a Charlie Brooker's Screenwipe special on writing - I found it quite helpful, especially at the time it was originally shown on BBC4, because I was in the midst of writing my zombie epic. I hope my ramblings have been of some use.

[krakenslayer]

First of all, be careful not to put too much online. Second - onto the topic - aye, dialogue is always a tricky one. Basically, what I do anyway, is just go over and over the dialogue - and importantly - saying it out loud helps (so I find), because at least from a practical stance you can find out if it's actually speakable, or if you're getting tongue-tied saying it. Also, you can semi-act it out, and therefore put inflections where you need them. With dialogue, it's about writing what's believable - i.e. what real people would actually say - more often than not, people might leave information out, or forget things - people also shorten a lot of their words. Speaking of shortening - shortening the dialogue often helps add some punch to things - you might have said something in two lines in the first draft, but come the second draft you look at it and you can say the exact same in one line, and it flows so much better. An example here is that last line: That could be shortened to just "Wherever it's not." - for added, end-of-scene punch. Another thing is trying to put emotion into the characters, it can be quite tricky from the point of view of the writer, who is almost like an all-knowing god-like character - you've already mapped out what happens, so the broad strokes of the script aren't surprising to you, and you know what's happening in your script (e.g. a zombie apocalypse) ... it's about putting yourself in your character's shoes when writing them - what do they know? How would they feel about these things? How might they react to this situation? And so on. With names, you have to get everybody to say each other's names a few times here and there - but not gratuitously - if people have known each other for a while, or a long time, they don't call each other by name all the time - so it's about finding the right moments to use names in the dialogue - the audience needs to know them, otherwise you get like Yawn04 where there are literally characters with no name, or whose name is only mentioned fleetingly long after they've been introduced. Basically - it's about doing multiple run-throughs of the dialogue to finesse it, as well as making sure you say what you need to (in terms of plot and characterisation) with as little extraneous dialogue as possible, and trying to write it how people really would say it in real life. It's kind of like with drawing & painting - a lot of people draw and paint what they think they see (e.g. a house, or a tree) - i.e. what they think that house should look like, or that tree should look like ... rather than what it really actually looks like. That lesson can be transferred to writing dialogue. You might be able to see on YouTube, that there was a Charlie Brooker's Screenwipe special on writing - I found it quite helpful, especially at the time it was originally shown on BBC4, because I was in the midst of writing my zombie epic. I hope my ramblings have been of some use. Thanks man, I appreciate your help! And I'm taking that all on board. I did try and act out some of the scenes myself, and I did realise a lot of the dialogue seemed quite unnatural, when spoken. I think a part of the problem is I find it difficult to put myself in the shoes of a character who is a drastically different personality to myself, and is in a completely alien situation. I might have to think of different people that I've known over the years and try to "channel" their personalities. Also, can I have your opinion you think is a better approach - to come up with the exact lines to be spoken, and know exactly how the dialogue will pan out, or just rough lines to be interpreted freely by the actor on the day? I will have a look at the Charlie Brooker programme, too. Cheers!

[MinionZombie]

I think a part of the problem is I find it difficult to put myself in the shoes of a character who is a drastically different personality to myself, and is in a completely alien situation. I might have to think of different people that I've known over the years and try to "channel" their personalities. I've had/have the same problem myself - I find it helps to give a basic character breakdown within 5 words, or preferably 1 - i.e. "grumpy" or "precise" or "efficient" to sort of 'head up' the slightly longer character break-down that I will also do. As a result, it helps me target the style of dialogue to each character better than I would have been able to otherwise. In terms of scripts you're writing for something to shoot yourself, you'll most likely have someone who doesn't do acting as a profession or hobby, so it's best to make the dialogue as straight forward as possible - and indeed to make it more of a sturdy guideline. If you've got someone who does acting as either a hobby or a profession (starting out), then you can safely ask for more precision on their part, and indeed write a little more in depth yourself - it's all about working within your means and what's available to you. For example, when I did "Signing Off", that was based on another script I'd done - which was quite an epic unto itself (I've since written an entire 130 page feature epic from that original script which "Signing Off" was based on, as well) - and I ended up writing one long monologue pretty much, and was able to get a friend of mine to act it out, just before they headed off to London to pursue a career in acting (he also studied acting and drama at university) - so while I didn't expect him to be word-for-word with the script (he didn't have long to learn the whole thing, nor would I expect him, it's not like it was a play or a professional acting gig), I was able to have him be quite close to the script. I'd say he was probably about 85% accurate in terms of words, and in terms of getting across the information I'd say he was a good 95% or more. Back to writing in other characters, it's good if you can try and think of yourself at different points in your life - like times when you've been super-angry, or what your attitude to certain things was like at different times, or how you dealt with certain things in the past - so in writing, life experience really does help a huge amount for character stuff...but also, importantly, be observant of those around you (such as your friends), and how they react to things, and what they've gone through in the past and how they've dealt with things. Observation is key. Also - another good idea would be to perhaps, in spare time, write a feature length comedy script - one that's dialogue based. I wrote one (in a very loose form) in 2006, which was mostly based on people I knew at uni, and things I'd done at uni (and indeed it was a cathartic exercise to help me step away from my time as a student, and into my new life as an adult - an adult who still laughs uproariously at farts, mind you) ... anyway, that was dialogue heavy, and mostly based on true life - but it was a start. Then in 2007/start of 2008 I wrote another script - this time in the correct format, and mapped out in a fair bit of detail before hand ... in terms of dialogue I just planned the topics of discussion and the directions the dialogue should take, and any particularly good lines that sprang to mind to fit in later ... anyway, erm - it was a 90 page "graduate comedy" as I called it (that actually ended up becoming damn near a romantic comedy, I was surprised to find ... or my idea of one anyway, lol). That involved writing different types of characters (the three males out of the group of five total, were based on three different aspects of my own personality), so it further developed my dialogue writing and characterisation. Then recently I wrote my zombie epic 130 pager, which involved a boat load of characters - so it was simple characterisation for background characters, and tighter characterisation for the key players - but again, I was able to develop my dialogue skills and characterisation. Now, only a two months on from finishing it, I'd no doubt change certain things, and indeed add more character stuff ... hone into them better - but that's the benefit of doing multiple drafts - especially with such an epic, you've got a lot to think about and get down onto paper in the first draft ... and indeed what I do, is re-draft each Act as I go along (it also helps to consolodate what you've done so far, to help for the next Act). Again - more ramblings, and I hope they've been of use.