50 reasons why Return of the Living Dead sucks

[bassman]

Got this idea from MZ.... First of all, I know i'm in the minority about this film. Second, I know the creators claim they made it funny so as to not step on Romero's toes. Maybe they shouldn't have mentioned his films, then. I don't buy that crap. So here's a handfull of reasons why I hate it. I could have done more, but I refused to pause it to write down each reason. As a result, several reasons were missed. I just wanted to run through it and hopefully I'll never have to see it again.... 1. "Based on true events"? Wow....scary. Never heard that one used before. 2. "UNEEDA MEDICAL SUPPLY" Get it? You-need-a? cack cack cack. 3. Is Freddy intentionally dressing like an over-grown and strung-out Dennis The Menace? 4. Punk kids! They're speaking to the youth of the day. How cliched....I mean "hip".(additional note: Is that Juwanna Man?!?) 5. "Did you see that movie, Night of the Living Dead?" - To quote an episode of MST3K: NEVER mention a good movie in your horribly crappy movie. 6. So let me get this straight. 425 Trioxin is this HUGE government cover up....but this old man who works at a medical supply store knows ALL about it just because these few containers were accidentally shipped to them? Did these hazardous containers also come with classified government papers? 7. RETURN of the Living Dead? Where are they returning from? This must be a sequel! Nope....it's another shot at ripping off Romero's classic. 8. *whiny voice* "I just wanna paaaartyyyy" 9. "Burt is a slave driver" on the poster. So Burt made this film? That would make perfect sense. 10. Why is this chick getting naked??? It's pointless. I like tits as much as the next guy, but this is just f*cking sad... 11. Romero rape number 4. "Destroy the brain, right?" 12. WHY THE F*CK DO THEY KEEP CRYING?!?!?!? 13. "You think this is a costume? This is a way of life!" - Daddy forgives you, cliched punk "teenager".... 14. Burt? Ernie? Burt and Ernie? Really? *whistles the theme to Sesame Street* 15. Burt and Ernie don't ever question why the other two are grey and sweating like they've just run a marathon? 16. Smoke from a crematory and rain equal acid rain? I know it's a scifi film....but how does that work....THAT fast? 17. Somehow the rain in this town seeps through 6 feet of dirt much faster than everywhere else.... 18. The whole 911 phone call? Kinda pointless isn't it? Trying desperately to reach that 90 minute runtime requirement, Dan? 19. Tarman can pronounce his "B's" really well without having lips or moving his jaw. 20. Why is Tarman slow when the audience already knows that these zombies run? 21. The paramedics didn't seem to notice the acid rain burning their skin... 22. So it's BACK into this acid rain that burns so bad? Good idea, folks. 23. It's nothing but skeleton that comes up through the ground, but somehow it's eyes and eyelids are intact? 24. Paramedics clearly have rain water all over their skin, but still no mention of acid rain? 25. Zombie jumps through an exterior window....but can't do the same through a thin interior door window? 26. "They're all over the cars!" He only saw one.....and it was missing legs... 27. Of course, in the middle of a catastrophy, the phonelines go dead for no apparent reason. 28. "Come in dispatch. Send...more....paramedics!" What the flying f*ck??? 29. Burt(the boss) doesn't know what kind of chemical it is....but his employees do? 30. The skeleton pulling the mohawk guy through the window sure is strong. especially with no muscles on her arm.... 31. Burt says they're no stronger than humans....but they could dig upward through 6 feet of dirt? 32. Once again, no lips and perfect pronounciation. 33. "The pain of being dead" lol 34. Brains...make pain go away? The rest of the body does nothing to help these things? Wasteful bastards.... 35. Maybe I missed it....but when did Trash get buried??? 36. Lots of exterior lights around this cemetery wall for it to have been boarded and chained shut in the beginning... 37. "I never did like you, but hold me tight!" Do we really not comic relief? The film is laughably sh*tty enough... 38. As if it wasn't mind-numbingly stupid enough the first time..."Send more cops!" 39. The two UNEEDA employees were "gone" and had full blown rigomortis, but managed to totally change positions in the floor for the next scene? 40. Not only is Freddy dead, but apparently he has a flaming case of the rabbies. 41. "No....I'll drive" "F*CK YOU!". That's it? That's the huge inner conflict of this P.O.S.?... 42. Who closed the cemetery gates?.... 43. Frank couldn't move at all a minute ago and now he's able make it to a different room all on his own, get on one knee to pray, and climb into the friggin furnace? 44. "Sounds like the sh*t's really hittin the fan out there" NOW you realize this? 45. The phone is kept right beside the illegal tanks from the government. Convenient. 46. So shouldn't have Frank's smoke started more acid rain and the cops would be feeling it? Once again, no mention. 47. The entire conversation with the head military guy....is all that "What happened then?" "Then what"?, etc, etc really necessary? 48. I can see the conversation now. "How do we end this movie?" "Just blow everyone up! It's quick, easy, and just like the rest of the film, we don't have to really try!" 49. This atomic blast that supposedly hit the cemetary didn't alter the landscaping or tombstones at all? 50. Recycled footage, anyone? Once again, skeleton with perfect eyes and eyelids... And as a bonus.... WHY DO THEY REPLAY CLIPS DURING THE CREDITS? I JUST SAW THIS GARBAGE AND YOU'RE GOING TO SHOVE IT DOWN MY THROAT AGAIN AS I'M LEAVING/TURNING IT OFF??? I need to take a shower. This thing makes me feel like dirty sh*t...

[Zombie Snack]

After reading that I have to go watch ROTLD now.....I love this movie

[clanglee]

Tell us how you really feel Bass.

[Mike70]

i really like return but some of this just cracked me the fook up. particulary the parts about the tarman zombie having perfect pronunciation despite his lack of lips.

[C5NOTLD]

I can't think of one reason why it would suck. I always enjoyed it - Fun movie.

[DubiousComforts]

1. "Based on true events"? Wow....scary. Never heard that one used before. I hate to piss in the cornflakes so early into the list, but wouldn't "based on true events" be poking fun at movies that have used it before?

[capncnut]

I can't think of one reason why it would suck. I always enjoyed it - Fun movie. Totally agree. As far as zombie comedies go, I'd watch this over Shaun anyday.

[MinionZombie]

Nice list, dude. While I still like the movie (despite it being rather silly), you did raise many a good point, such as the inconsistency of the acid rain...and the whole pronunciation thing...and that repeated footage of the skeleton at the end always bugged me, it's so blatant. You know another movie that subjects you to repeated clips during the credits? Children of the Living Dead ... must be a requirement for gash movies.

[bassman]

I hate to piss in the cornflakes so early into the list, but wouldn't "based on true events" be poking fun at movies that have used it before? Don't worry, my cornflakes were full of piss the minute I started the DVD. It may be poking fun of other movies to some extent, but I saw it as a chance at ripping off NOTLD with the laughable "It really happened!" subplot. Totally agree. As far as zombie comedies go, I'd watch this over Shaun anyday. See, I don't buy that they intended this movie to be funny. I think they thought they were doing something "new" and "inventive" for the 80's and then when they saw the results, they realized how cheesy it was and tried to parade it around as a comedy. True, there are a few things that were meant as obvious gags, but you can't convince me that they intended the entire film to turn out that way. Just look at the promotion for the film - they advertised it as a horror!

[capncnut]

I don't buy that they intended this movie to be funny. How can anyone think up Tarman without breaking into fits of laughter? At the end of the day, if it was made as a serious horror movie and the producers later promoted it as a comedy then they made the right decision. Actually, I think it's a perfect balance of the two.

[DubiousComforts]

It may be poking fun of other movies to some extent, but I saw it as a chance at ripping off NOTLD with the laughable "It really happened!" subplot. The latter may have been the case with the original story (you'd have to ask John Russo), but not with the film. It's not an entirely original idea to use the "true story" slant tongue-in-cheek. SQUIRM did it in the mid-70s with an equally absurd premise (killer sandworms) though nobody seemed to read it as humorous, either. But how can anyone not see ROTLD as black comedy? A punk thug stands in a graveyard waxing introspectively, "Nobody understands me. You think this is a costume? This is a way of life!" You simply can't have that as a "gag" and not expect the entire film to be perceived as humorous.

[bassman]

Even IF it was intended to have a good bit of comedy, I still can't stand it. I understand why people like it, but it's just not my thing. Then again, I usually don't care for any zombie films outside of Romero's. In fact, I'm not even really a fan of "horror" films... If I had to give ROTLD a rating, it would probably be a 1 out of 5. Maybe 1.5 if you caught me on a good day....

[DubiousComforts]

Even IF it was intended to have a good bit of comedy, I still can't stand it. I understand why people like it, but it's just not my thing. That's cool. Nobody is saying that you have to like it. For the most part, I absolutely hate the so-called horror-comedy and forced camp that was vomited on the genre by the likes of Troma and Fred Olen Ray throughout the 80s and early 90s. But ROTLD and Re-Animator are two films that I can appreciate for pulling it off very well.

[Danny]

1: these numbered lists are starting to wear thin. 2: the film used satire and comedy as much as scares to create a good blend and youve kinda missed that and just bitched about stuff that occurs and not really why its bad, as compared to what?

[bassman]

1: these numbered lists are starting to wear thin. 2: the film used satire and comedy as much as scares to create a good blend and youve kinda missed that and just bitched about stuff that occurs and not really why its bad, as compared to what? 1. It was requested. Don't read the numbered lists if you're getting tired of them. 2. I didn't miss anything. Are you about to have one of those mood swings that you seem to have about every 3 weeks?