Damn, this list was so long I had to split it into two parts!
Obviously, this is riddled with spoilers. But the movie is so bad, it honestly doesn't matter one iota.
Needless to say, it's literally the worst film I've ever seen. Also, it goes without saying that I couldn't be farther from surprised.
*cracks knuckles* here we go...
1) Sh*te, bargain basement budget titles.
2) Retarded 'scary' quick cuts for no good reason.
3) ADHD-addled first shot.
4) Second shot - sh*te music, couple of idiots slow-dancing.
5) Teenagers like to have sex ... what a novel and never-before-used idea! One couple are essentially dogging on a sofa for the entire world to see, while the other are the nervous breed of teenager sexers.
6) Ah geez, is that the skank from season 5 of Nip/Tuck?
7) "Hey, let's explore."
8) Figure flashes through frame, 'scary' music cue...why didn't anyone think of this ever before in the history of cinema-history history?!
9) Retarded flashes of colour for no apparent reason during the 'bunch of idiots complaining in a traffic jam' shot.
10) Ving Rhames rapes the legend of Captain Rhodes within seconds.
11) Corporal Cross - aka that-one-from-American-Pie ... she'd never last a day in the army.
12) Rhames might as well say get gangsta and say "f*ck all y'all" when he talks to Cross.
13) The retard-flashes continue, and we're still watching this idiot follow strange noises.
14) Oh my g0dz0rz, Nip/Tuck/skank jumps out at him! I'm so scared!!!11!1!!
15) All radio DJs are hippies and hate the government - originality strikes!
16) God-awful semi-thrash-nu-metal garbage music.
17) Alone in the woods, strange noises ... I genuinely don't know what's going to happen!!!1!1!11
18) Insane amount of noise from unseen 'zombie'.
19) Slut-bag has a tattoo ... oh how clever, after she's dragged away that neatly severed chunk of flesh lands in front of the camera, oh wow you guys.
20) Nick Cannon is introduced ... within 3 seconds he dives into the bossy, attitude-filled gangsta stereotype. He's already annoying.
21) Soldier who can't do anything right, originality continues to reign supreme. Wasn't he in Nip/Tuck as well?
22) Nick Cannon's got nothing but sex on the brain ... America weeps for the representation of their military.
23) Cross has seen exciting? She hasn't just joined up? And there I was thinking she was still best suited to hanging around f*cked apple pies.
24) "Nothing ever happens in this town anyway" - fate is tempted with the subtlety of a barge pole.
25) Oh Jesus - THIS GUY is Howard Sherman's replacement?
26) Teenagers like to f*ck, therefore we MUST see it.
27) Nobody's actually intimidated by Mena Suvari...camouflage or not.
28) Suvari's performance is as lifeless as her character as she checks on her fate-temptingly ill mother.
29) Everybody's ill, but nobody is at all worried.
30) Jesus ... we're only quarter of an hour in. Why are televisions always displaying static after the place has been turned over?
31) "Don't worry, it's not loaded" - then you're even more useless, Corporal Cross, aren't you?
32) Oh my god, there's blood all over the bedroom ... but it's fine that the living room is smeared all over with it though.
33) Why would two bodies be standing up behind a curtain, aside from specifically to set up an awful 'jump scare'.
34) Mobile phones are still always useless during a crisis in movie-land.
35) The reason for your unloaded gun is "complicated", eh? Guess you shouldn't be in the army, huh?
36) "I'm a vegetarian by the way" ... evidently the 'vegetarian zombie Bud' thing wasn't just a nightmare.
37) Remind me how this has anything to do with Romero's original movie aside from name-rape?
38) Evidently, platonic working relationships are a thing of the past as future-veggie-'zombie' tells Cross' mother her daughter is hot ... clearly Steve Miner's army have nothing better to do than each other.
39) It's a virus, see?! Oh you don't? Oh well, we'd better chuck some weird sound effects and fake-film-grain onto the wobbly footage then!
40) Doc Logan is now a pretty-boy.
41) Shed-load of cash wasted on dumb-dumb shots of the big, bad virus taking over some guy's cells...thus apparently justifying months of decomposition in 5 seconds ... and leaping ... and running.
42) So nowadays people zombify by standing still?
43) Velociraptor-style screaming 'zombies' run really fast in a really silly way before attacking a random bit-parter.
44) Rubbish digital blood on one component knocks out the entire electricity sub-station, and thank f*ck for that too, because I was feeling desperate for another horror cliche after that 15 second absence.
45) Despite zombification here meaning you just sit still for a few minutes, we still have 'zombies' driving cars - which aren't dented at all. You'd have thought you'd crash during your paralysing zombification, wouldn't you? Digital 'zombie' gets up and shames a generation of the living dead to genre newbies.
46) Another rubbish 'scare' scene.
47) The genre-faithful weep, or laugh mockingly, or do both as random soldier guy gets literally pounced on by three 'zombies', one of whom literally almost flies ... f*ck it ... it flies.
48) Another 'zombie', with an even sillier scream, jumps through a glass door - but can't do it twice for some reason.
49) More parkour 'zombies', more insanely-premature-decomposition, more silly screams.
50) "Oh my God, you're f*cking kidding me!" ... is what I actually said out-loud as a ****ty CGI 'zombie' scuttles across the ceiling. SERIOUSLY.
51) Meanwhile, after plenty of chaos, Ving Rhames has only just discovered sh*t has hit the fan.
52) Since when did a pistol sound like that? And was that seriously a ketchup bottle fart noise for some digital blood?
53) So are all the 'zombies' put into double-speed during editing?
54) F*ck, we're only a third of the way through?
55) 'Zombie' jumps up to a first floor window.
56) Yet more unnecessary flash-flash-skittery camera work/editing to attempt to wake you up.
57) "What kind of soldier are you?" - exactly - a sh*t one with an unloaded gun, geez!
58) "What is with you two?" - "It's complicated" - WHAT is complicated? You met a few hours ago, you're both rubbish recruits, how is that complicated?!
59) Yet another cliche - 'teens banging at a door whilst being chased'.
60) "Are you one of them?!" - do they run at 2x speed, sound like Raptors and are they covered in insanely premature decomposition? NO, you fat, hippie prat!
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Originally Posted by MinionZombie
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