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Thread: How tough is Chuck Norris?

  1. #1
    Dying Tied2thetracks's Avatar
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    How tough is Chuck Norris?

    Anyone have any good chuck norris lines? I found a few good ones.

    When Chuck Norris was born he had sex with his nurse, it was her first time and his fifth.

    Before the Boogemonster goes to sleep he checks under his bed and in his closet for any signs of Chuck Norris.

    Chuck Norris was born with the ability to spit venom, but would much rather just roundhouse kick you in the face.

    When Chuck Norris jumps into a pool, Chuck Norris doesn't get wet, water gets Chuck Norrised.

    There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.

    Chuck Norris has two speeds. Walk, and Kill.

    Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

    Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.

    Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

    When chuck Norris does division, there are no remainders

    Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

    Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.

    Chuck Norris isn't hung like a horse, horses are hung like Chuck Norris

    Chuck Norris is so tough that under his beard there is no chin but another fist.

  2. #2
    POST MASTER GENERAL darth los's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Tied2thetracks View Post
    Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
    [/B]

    Dammitt, i was going to use that one!! Mainly because it's the only one i know. I know that chuck is an icon and all and that he's part of only a handfull of men considered to be all time badasses. My question is why? There were other karate men. What makes him so special? Why not bruce lee? I mean bruce did whip his ass. I'm not knocking his badass status, just help me understand why.
    FEAR IS THE OLDEST TOOL OF POWER. IF WE ARE DISTRACTED BY THE FEAR OF THOSE AROUND US THEN IT KEEPS US FROM SEEING THE ACTIONS OF THOSE ABOVE US.

    I DIDN'T KILL NOBODY. I DIDN'T RAPE NOBODY. THAT'S IT. ~ Manny Ramirez commenting on his use of a banned substance.

    "We kill people who kill people to show people that killing people is wrong" ~ Unknown

    "TO DOUBT EVERYTHING OR TO BELIEVE EVERYTHING ARE TWO EQUALLY CONVIENIENT SOLUTIONS: THEY BOTH DISPENSE WITH THE NEED FOR THOUGHT"

    "All i care about is money and the city that I'm from, imma sip until I feel it, Imma smoke it till' it's done, I don't really give fuck and my excuse is that I'm young,and I'm only getting older, sombody shoulda told ya, I'm on one !"

  3. #3
    Dying Tied2thetracks's Avatar
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    I always thought it was kind of a rip on him. He made plenty of bad films and everone ripped on walker texas ranger. I always thought it was a spoof thin that made it funny.

    Hes 2 steps up from Segal.

    btw, the cancer on is my favorite.

  4. #4
    POST MASTER GENERAL darth los's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Tied2thetracks View Post
    I always thought it was kind of a rip on him. He made plenty of bad films and everone ripped on walker texas ranger. I always thought it was a spoof thin that made it funny.

    Hes 2 steps up from Segal.

    btw, the cancer on is my favorite.

    I guess when you look at it that way it makes sense. Alot like they used to call Bob Euker a great baseball player. It was a joke. Ha ha. He's definitely infinitely tougher than stephen "spray on hair" segal.LOL that cancer line is truly one for the ages.
    FEAR IS THE OLDEST TOOL OF POWER. IF WE ARE DISTRACTED BY THE FEAR OF THOSE AROUND US THEN IT KEEPS US FROM SEEING THE ACTIONS OF THOSE ABOVE US.

    I DIDN'T KILL NOBODY. I DIDN'T RAPE NOBODY. THAT'S IT. ~ Manny Ramirez commenting on his use of a banned substance.

    "We kill people who kill people to show people that killing people is wrong" ~ Unknown

    "TO DOUBT EVERYTHING OR TO BELIEVE EVERYTHING ARE TWO EQUALLY CONVIENIENT SOLUTIONS: THEY BOTH DISPENSE WITH THE NEED FOR THOUGHT"

    "All i care about is money and the city that I'm from, imma sip until I feel it, Imma smoke it till' it's done, I don't really give fuck and my excuse is that I'm young,and I'm only getting older, sombody shoulda told ya, I'm on one !"

  5. #5
    Chasing Prey MissJacksonCA's Avatar
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    lol I love Chuck Norris but I dont really see him as a tough guy... he's scrappy... and how dare you mention Steven Segal! He can't act, he's too fat to be an efficient fighter, and he's a wife beater so how tough is he really?
    You smell that? That's the smell of spring, and I love it. You know what I love to do in spring? I love to come out into the woods, to walk amongst the budding trees, to smell and taste the hint of renewal that hovers in the air like a heady perfume, and to listen to the song of the birds who have returned from their long sojourn south. And bury the people I killed during the winter...

    http://media.movies.ign.com/media/84...d_1882969.html

  6. #6
    POST MASTER GENERAL darth los's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by MissJacksonCA View Post
    lol I love Chuck Norris but I dont really see him as a tough guy... he's scrappy... and how dare you mention Steven Segal! He can't act, he's too fat to be an efficient fighter, and he's a wife beater so how tough is he really?
    And he's a snitch. He testified in court that the mob was shaking him down. How do people get into jams like that?
    FEAR IS THE OLDEST TOOL OF POWER. IF WE ARE DISTRACTED BY THE FEAR OF THOSE AROUND US THEN IT KEEPS US FROM SEEING THE ACTIONS OF THOSE ABOVE US.

    I DIDN'T KILL NOBODY. I DIDN'T RAPE NOBODY. THAT'S IT. ~ Manny Ramirez commenting on his use of a banned substance.

    "We kill people who kill people to show people that killing people is wrong" ~ Unknown

    "TO DOUBT EVERYTHING OR TO BELIEVE EVERYTHING ARE TWO EQUALLY CONVIENIENT SOLUTIONS: THEY BOTH DISPENSE WITH THE NEED FOR THOUGHT"

    "All i care about is money and the city that I'm from, imma sip until I feel it, Imma smoke it till' it's done, I don't really give fuck and my excuse is that I'm young,and I'm only getting older, sombody shoulda told ya, I'm on one !"

  7. #7
    Chasing Prey MissJacksonCA's Avatar
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    why would they shake him down he has no money
    You smell that? That's the smell of spring, and I love it. You know what I love to do in spring? I love to come out into the woods, to walk amongst the budding trees, to smell and taste the hint of renewal that hovers in the air like a heady perfume, and to listen to the song of the birds who have returned from their long sojourn south. And bury the people I killed during the winter...

    http://media.movies.ign.com/media/84...d_1882969.html

  8. #8
    POST MASTER GENERAL darth los's Avatar
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    Reporedly it was at the peak of his career when he had a little change.
    FEAR IS THE OLDEST TOOL OF POWER. IF WE ARE DISTRACTED BY THE FEAR OF THOSE AROUND US THEN IT KEEPS US FROM SEEING THE ACTIONS OF THOSE ABOVE US.

    I DIDN'T KILL NOBODY. I DIDN'T RAPE NOBODY. THAT'S IT. ~ Manny Ramirez commenting on his use of a banned substance.

    "We kill people who kill people to show people that killing people is wrong" ~ Unknown

    "TO DOUBT EVERYTHING OR TO BELIEVE EVERYTHING ARE TWO EQUALLY CONVIENIENT SOLUTIONS: THEY BOTH DISPENSE WITH THE NEED FOR THOUGHT"

    "All i care about is money and the city that I'm from, imma sip until I feel it, Imma smoke it till' it's done, I don't really give fuck and my excuse is that I'm young,and I'm only getting older, sombody shoulda told ya, I'm on one !"

  9. #9
    Twitching jdog's Avatar
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    when chuck noris does a pushup, instead of pushing himself up he pushes the earth down.
    we keep it real gangsta down here in canada. ehh

  10. #10
    Webmaster Neil's Avatar
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    I do hope Chuck has seen some of these! They're hysterical!
    Look again at that dot. That's here. That's home. That's us. On it everyone you love, everyone you know, everyone you ever heard of, every human being who ever was, lived out their lives. The aggregate of our joy and suffering, thousands of confident religions, ideologies, and economic doctrines, every hunter and forager, every hero and coward, every creator and destroyer of civilization, every king and peasant, every young couple in love, every mother and father, hopeful child, inventor and explorer, every teacher of morals, every corrupt politician, every "superstar," every "supreme leader," every saint and sinner in the history of our species lived there--on a mote of dust suspended in a sunbeam. [click for more]
    -Carl Sagan

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    certified super rad Danny's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by darth los View Post
    And he's a snitch. He testified in court that the mob was shaking him down. How do people get into jams like that?
    and he claims hes the reincarnation of a buddhist monk form the 17th century and hes here to save the world.


  12. #12
    through another dimension bassman's Avatar
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    I think Conan is responsible for giving Norris this weird popularity...



  13. #13
    Dead Trancelikestate's Avatar
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    chuck norris puts the fun in funeral and the laughter in manslaughter.

    when bruce banner gets mad he turns into the hulk, when the hulk gets mad he turns into chuck norris.

    superman has a pair of chuck norris pajama's.


  14. #14
    POST MASTER GENERAL darth los's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by trancelikestate View Post
    chuck norris puts the fun in funeral and the laughter in manslaughter.

    when bruce banner gets mad he turns into the hulk, when the hulk gets mad he turns into chuck norris.

    superman has a pair of chuck norris pajama's.

    Dammitt dude!! I'm eating lunch and i almost spit up my food when i read this. Definitely the funniest yet. I have got to use those on somebody...with your permission of course.
    FEAR IS THE OLDEST TOOL OF POWER. IF WE ARE DISTRACTED BY THE FEAR OF THOSE AROUND US THEN IT KEEPS US FROM SEEING THE ACTIONS OF THOSE ABOVE US.

    I DIDN'T KILL NOBODY. I DIDN'T RAPE NOBODY. THAT'S IT. ~ Manny Ramirez commenting on his use of a banned substance.

    "We kill people who kill people to show people that killing people is wrong" ~ Unknown

    "TO DOUBT EVERYTHING OR TO BELIEVE EVERYTHING ARE TWO EQUALLY CONVIENIENT SOLUTIONS: THEY BOTH DISPENSE WITH THE NEED FOR THOUGHT"

    "All i care about is money and the city that I'm from, imma sip until I feel it, Imma smoke it till' it's done, I don't really give fuck and my excuse is that I'm young,and I'm only getting older, sombody shoulda told ya, I'm on one !"

  15. #15
    capncnut
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    Well, the guy did fight Bruce Lee in the Roman coliseum...

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