Day 79 - A Short Zombie Story

[callofgaming]

- Have we got supplies? - Asked Carl. - We will not survive long with energy bars, because now there are not many. - Said John. A group of 4 kids for 15 years, walked in the middle of nowhere. They walked along the road in front of them for hours and still found nothing. - Keep your eyes open - Said Katie - There may be a house here. - Really? - Said Mark - I never thought that someone could have a house in the middle of nowhere. Need only 5 hours to go to the supermarket and back. They all walked with their backpacks, almost empty, and wore their own winter. The M1911 Mark took his belt and clicked on a button that did jump out of the cartridge. - 4 bullets. It is best to store them. - Unless dead, I doubt that bandits appear. - Commented Katie. Mark narrowed his eyes and seemed to see a structure. - Guys, think I see something there in the distance! Everyone did a "Hmm" by surprise, looked at Mark, and then to the road. - I think it is a petrol pump! - Shouted Carl. - And how is the middle of nowhere, I bet no one took their groceries! - Said John. - Let's hurry up and run! *** They approached the petrol station crouched. John looked to his right and said: - That car - John pointed to a red car. - Hide behind him! - All followed his order. Once hidden, looked station, lowering their heads. - Mark - Said Carl - Come with me to see if it is safe - He looked at Katie and John - We say if it is safe. Mark took his gun and approached the door. Carl was on the other side of the door jamb. Mark looked behind him and suggested: - Hey, Carl, grab that pipe. You may need a weapon. Carl looked over his shoulder and saw those tools used in the wheels of cars. He grabbed the pipe firmly. - I'm ready, Mark. - Good 1,2,3! In a heartbeat, Mark got up and kicked the door opening it. He took a step and quickly looked around, ready to shoot anything that came along. - Clear. - Said Mark, by lowering and storing the gun. Carl made a gesture with his hand, and John and Katie came out of the hideout and walked to the door. - Let's find supplies. There must be a ton! - Said John. Mark began to scour the stands. Went up and touched something. - I found a can of food. At least it's something. - He said, trying to overcome discouragement. John sought a few shelves. Began to enumerate what he saw, pointing with his finger. - Here are some things: batteries, flashlight, some rations. And I think that's all. Carl and Katie looked in some cabinets. - We found some water! - Said Katie. All gathered and John proposed: - We could camp here a few days. It is safe, at least until we run out of food. - It’ll go dark within a couple of hours, so I'll work on a bonfire. - Said the Mark - Take this. - Said Carl, throwing a lighter. Mark picked it up and said. - This will help! Can I use gasoline outside. - Since there’s gas, we could use that car, when we have to go. – Katie said. *** The fire lit the dark night. - I still remember how it was before. - Said Carl. - The cities shone with lights. Now, sparkles with death and suffering. Others bowed their heads to reflect what Carl said. They ate some rations overnight. All admired the stars. Since it was prettier to look around. Then there was a shot. Then John screaming. - What is it?! - Shouted Mark. - I've been shot! - Exclaimed John. - Damn! All! Inside! Everyone ran into the station. They hid near the windows. Mark pulled his gun out of his belt. - They were thugs?! - Asked Katie - I have not seen anyone! - They must have hidden up in the trees! - Said John. - Press the wound. - Katie said, taking a rag to John. He, then pressed the wound in his right arm. - Carl! Glance and tell me how many suckers are out there! Carl looked up and said. - 5 thugs. - And I have 4 bullets. This will be beautiful. He killed four thugs. Now there was only one. - Where is John? - Asked Katie. There was a shot. They all looked out the window. John had tried to attack the bandit and shot. All eyes were set on the killer eyes frozen to hear the crickets at night. Carl took advantage of the distraction, rushed, and stuck the tube in the bandit’s stomach, which then died. Katie and Mark quickly ran and approached John. Noticed he had been shot in the hip. - Damn! Are you okay? - Exclaimed Mark. - I just took a shot! - Said John. - It isn’t a serious wound. We just have to keep pressure! Carl was on watch. Seemed to hear a distant sound. It seems that there was still more bandits. - Are more to come! - Shouted Carl - Fast! Put it in the car! We have to go! Katie and Mark took the feet and the head of John, and carried him to the rear seats. Mark sat in front and Carl in the driver's seat. - Damn! - What is it, Carl?! - Asked Katie. - There are no keys here! - He looked at Mark. - Search the dashboard! Mark obeyed and opened it and searched. - I found them! Here! - Mark threw the keys to Carl, who picked them up. He put the keys in the ignition and turned. The headlights lit and the motor started working. - Wait, do you ven know how to drivet?! - I know how to use changes, but It will serve!! He stepped on the accelerator and the group went outside to seven feet. The sound of gunfire disappeared after a few seconds. REVIEW THE TEXT, IGNORE GRAMMAR ISSUES PLZ

[rightwing401]

Ok cog, I read through this short of yours. I don't really know if this is your style of writing, or if this is just how it appears as a text. But unless you say otherwise, I'll treat it as the former. First, you need to always make sure that any dialoged is put in quotations. That being said, you definitely need to add more to the conversations than just, 'said' or 'asked'. There's has to be real emotion put in there, such as a voice straining under stress or a near hysterical pitch when the character was shot. Next, you have to be more descriptive of the environment that the characters are in. Other than being in the countryside and it being cold, I have no idea what kind of environment they are trying to survive in. Also, you need to get more in depth as to how they are handling the overall end of the world. Some people adapt better to crisis situations than others. One or more might still be in denial about everything being gone, while another may very well love this new kind of existence. I'd also advise you to really think out each situation that your characters are put through. Being forced into the building by one of their own getting shot should have produced unimaginable amounts of terror from an unseen assailant that just wounded one of your companions. And picking off all the bandits one per bullet is a bit of a stretch. You could go the route of them thinking the kids are trapped and unarmed, and the one with the gun comes out of hiding to demand they surrender, only to have the one kid that is armed pop him twice in the chest. If none of the others are packing guns, it'd be realistic to say that they would run off when faced with an armed opponent. Just some ideas for you to ponder over cog.

[callofgaming]

Thanks for the review wing. This story was actually just an "experiment". I just wanted to find my style. But thanks for giving me some hints! My writing will be way better from now on.

[rightwing401]

Glad to help in any way. If you want a bit of an inspirational message for writing, you can check out this clip that a friend of mine made. She and I both agree that writing is something is more learned and honed over time rather than just plain raw talent. (She already has three e-books published) <http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6FZLm7cxyrI> The only thing else that I can offer you is to write your first draft with your raw feelings of the dialogue and situations, essentially your 'heart'. Then when you've finished, go back and work it over again to fine tune everything to fit a more technical structure, basically your 'head'. Oh yeah, and be willing to accept the fact that most likely your work will always appear to you as complete shit, so you don't need to strive endlessly to make a story 'perfect'. I've been writing for over ten years now, and I still deal with that feeling with every story I create. Just remember the three big P's. Practice. Practice. Practice.

[callofgaming]

I'm really glad for all the constructive support. My life goal, is kinda write a book, but writing is very hard. I try to practice every day, by writing a short story. Although, I really chose the wrong time to start writing, beacause I'm moving, and I have a lot of stuff to do. All the tips you gave are surely gonna guide me in the right direction. Thx for the tips